A piece of my story.

There are around ten days in my entire life that I remember in perfect detail. This post includes three of them. Yes, it'll be a long one, but I've decided to let my faithful readers into my mind and my emotional world. It's not something I do often. I'm not an emotional person, at least not outwardly, so for me this is a big step. Bear with me...

August 13, 2010
Everyone loads up onto the bus. We are leaving Glorieta, and I am on a spiritual high like you wouldn't believe. I'm so on fire for God, and I'm excite to get back to Vegas and get a Sin City revival going. We load up, everyone's chattering away, and laughing at stories and inside jokes from our week away.
A couple of hours into our trip, we pass a native american reservation, and stop to look at the shops and to go to the bathroom or whatever and it's the first time my phone has gotten service in a while. I have a missed call from my dad's girlfriend, and that's weird, so I listen to the voicemail she's left, and she said that my dad has been checked into Summerlin Hospital's ICU, with pneumonia and a host of other crap, and I need to call her ASAP. Okay, panic set in. I was more than 8 hours away, and I'm stuck on a bus with a group of people I've only known for a couple of months, and all I really wanted was to be home with my family. We may be dysfunctional at times, but we seem to pull together at the end of the day. :)
I finally reach Kathleen, and she says that I should come to the hospital as soon as I can, but at that point he was "critical but stable". I get the memo to Damian (our college pastor) at the front of the bus, and he gets on the loud speaker, and tells everyone the situation and we pray. A bus FULL of basically strangers prayed for a man they'd never met. That was staggering to me.
I cried off and on for hours. I kept looking around the bus, and saw people looking at me. I know it was out of care and concern, but I didn't like being watched. I seriously felt like the biggest baby for crying as much as I did. I wasn't crying just because he was in the hospital. Modern medicine is amazing, BUT the reason I was crying was even more amazing. I can't really explain it fully, and not a lot of people even know this happened... But that day, sitting in a bus of new friends, coming back from a vacation spent with Jesus...

I knew my Dad was going to die.

I know that probably sounds morbid, or unbelievable. I would think the same thing if it wasn't me. It's okay. Haha. But I just knew. It felt like... When your foot falls asleep and then it sometimes spreads up your leg... But it was a sense of peace. It just covered me completely, and I can't find any other words to describe it.

Anyway. I began my grieving process that day, and that's why I was crying so much. I just knew.

My dad was in hospitals since August. It's now December. He attempted to do rehab, and it's caused a relapse. The doctors are telling is that he will definitely not recover this time, and it's time to have important conversations, make decisions and arrangements, and say our goodbyes.

Tuesday December 14, 2010, I went to the hospital one last time, and we've decided to take him off everything and let God do His thing. That night is amazing. Ten or so people from the college group came with me (from logos) and sat with me at the hospital for hours. People I wasn't even close with. It blew my mind. Damian asked me at one point if he could have a minute alone with my dad to pray over him and have a chat. He came out like fifteen minutes later and told me that my dad had accepted Jesus. Imagine my surprise. My father, who had never really been to church, was going to Heaven, and I would see him again one day! It was the best Christmas present I've ever gotten!

Friday December 17, 2010 (three days later) I had said my goodbyes on Tuesday night, in the company of my friends, and I had decided (against the opinion of most people) to not be at the hospital for my dad's final moments. I just wanted to remember him in a pleasant way, not as someone lifeless. Ya know? Well, you probably don't. Haha.

So, I went to work. It was actually my last day working at my job I had at the time. I had gotten something new, and I was going to say goodbye to my after school kids that day. At 2:00 I called my mom and told her to tell my dad that I loved him. At 2:11, she called back and told me he was gone. I hung up on her, telling her I'd call back. I had been talking to two parents (also, friends of mine), and when I hung up, I looked up at them, turned, and walked away. I got three steps into the empty hallway, and couldn't go any further. I melted into the wall sobbing like a freak. My two friends had followed me and hugged me tight, and just let me cry.

It wasn't really what I'd expected. Movies portray death to be one way, and it's obviously not like that at all. So, after I pulled myself together, I walked into my boss' office, and told her my
Dad had died. She (and my other coworker in the room) immediately told me to go, that they would find someone to take care of the kids. I told them no. My family would be at the hospital for hours saying goodbye and doing arrangements, and I was NOT going home to an empty house. And I was NOT going to miss out on saying goodbye to these kids that I had invested so fully in. I loved them, and it wouldn't be fair to disappear from their lives without explanation. They wouldn't have understood. So, I stayed.
I don't regret staying. People kept telling me that I'd regret not being there. That I'd feel incomplete.

I don't.

I wrote this blog simply to let some emotion out, and to show a piece of my life to someone who may not have been around then. If I didn't have Jesus and my friends and family, I GUARANTEE, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have the good life I do. I have a LOT of lousy days still, feel free to pray for those, but I'm still surrounded by people who love me. This particular post is in remembrance, and to share part of my story.

Grace be with you.

Funk

This past weekend was Father's day weekend, and it was a rough one. I woke up Sunday morning, and felt this little grey rain cloud over me. I got ready and went to church. During the closing prayer in bible study, Jason was saying something about praying for those without dads. There are actually quite a few of us that only have one parent left. It's sad. But anyway, he said that, and I lost my marbles. I had to get up and walk out of bible study and go outside.

I HATE crying in front of people. HATE HATE. SO, when I was having my mild mental breakdown, I felt like such a fool. It was embarrassing. You know what I mean? Well, Vanessa, Courtney and Karina came out once the prayer was done, because they understood my mental state. Once I finally pulled myself together enough to be in front of people, we went back into the room, and I was met with an avalanche of "I'll be praying for yous" and "I'm so sorrys", which of course made me want to cry more.

Long story short (too late!), ever since Sunday, I've been in a lousy mood. There are moments where I'm happy, true, but it's like that little grey rain cloud is following me around.

Tonight, the college group is having a bowling night at the Red Rock. I'm going in hopes that my mood with dissipate. I love bowling (I played varsity in high school), and I love my pulse peeps, so here's hoping.

Grace be with you.

Quiet

I'm sitting here. Resting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for questions to be answered. Waiting for...something. The trees are rustling. The grass is wet, and there are kids playing in the distance.

In my patch of grass; my small patch on this little hill, I wait. Wherever two or more are gathered, God is there. I've been told that all of my life. So, here I sit in a field, scattered with sixty college students looking for answers. Answers to life's many questions. Where is my life going? Are my friends good ones to have around? Do I make good choices in my life? Is my relationship with this person godly and how it should be? We are sitting in this vast field, giving our fears to the one who made us; our fears of the future, of our present, and of our pasts.

We were challenged tonight to stop, rest and listen. Free our minds, and hear what God has been trying to tell us. Listen to the advice and answers He's been trying to give us, because frankly, we leave our listening ears at the door on the way out of church.

Am I right?

What did God say to you today?

Grace be with you.

Grace

It's a word we've all heard a thousand times...

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me..."

"It is by grace that you've been saved, not by works..."

But do we really ever take into account the weight this word has?

I don't.

The definition of grace, as defined by Webster, is the exercise of love, compassion and mercy.

Well, this is a word that's been popping up a lot in my life lately for one reason or another. The Bible is very clear that we are to love God and love others, and it demonstrates countless acts of compassion and mercy.

All of that being said, have you shown grace today?

There are days where the kids I teach at work are just horribly behaved. Or there are days where there's drama in my circle of friends, and it mentally exhausts me. OR there are days where my family has so many problems going on that it causes me a stress stomach ache.

On those days, when life is storming and absolutely nothing is going right, sometimes it's hard for me to remember the grace shown to me. Sometimes it's hard to remember the things Jesus went through so that I could have a better life. Sometimes, when I've had a REALLY lousy day, I just flat out don't WANT to love on people. I don't have compassion or mercy on the people bothering me.

I was sitting here today while the little ones in my class are sleeping, and this thought occurred to me...

There are days, rotten days, where I don't feel like showing grace to those around me.

That day, at Calvary, Jesus had a COMPLETELY lousy day... Imagine if he had decided that he just didn't feel like giving the world grace that day?

Imagine where we'd be.

Grace. Share some today.

Seasons

I've been struggling a lot lately, dealing with how differently my life has turned out in comparison to how I'd planned. More specifically, the people in my life. A little over a year ago, I thought I had a pretty perfect life, relationship wise. I loved Jesus, I had a great boyfriend, and I hung around with an amazing group of girls.

Well, I still love Jesus. Matthew and I, though we are still good friends, aren't together any more. And my group of "best friends" turned out to be... Well, not.

So, I guess what I'm struggling with is the idea that sometimes God puts people into your life just for a season. They come in, help you through something in your life, whether minor or major, and then leave as quickly as they came in. Obviously I'm not talking about Matt or Jesus. Haha. But my friends, the ones I thought would be there forever are gone. Completely gone. I don't actually talk to any of them, except for Trace.

I can't lie, this is disheartening for me. It's hard to accept that I invested so fully and so completely in people, and now they aren't around anymore. I'm sure someone out there is reading this saying "well, call them up. Be friend's again." And I wish it was that easy.

I don't harbor any ill will towards anyone any more. I did, for a very long time, but I don't any longer. I miss what we had sometimes, but a year has passed, and I have a pretty great life going on right now :) I have a small group of hilarious friends, who I can't imagine life without :) Our group at church is at this amazing point where no ones really "cliquey" at all, which is nice.

I don't know... I almost didn't post this blog because I thought it might stir up some unwanted drama, and that isn't my intention. It's just something that's been on my mind lately, and since this is my blog... My space to basically think out loud... I thought I'd write about it here.

My life, with God's direction and a little sass, is turning out nicely :)

Welcome Back!!

I haven't posted on this blog since December, because I decided to branch out and start a grown up blog. I decided to check out my old blog as I'm sitting here at home tonight, and I've decided I miss it. I don't like the Wordpress layout. I don't get as much traffic as before. The title I chose was especially lame. ("Just My Rambling"). Eh. It was lame. So, here I am, back and better than ever. Just a girl with a keyboard... revamped and rededicated.