Who am I?

The other night at our bible study in the park, we were prompted to read over a passage (Exodus 3) and then we were supposed to ask ourselves "Who Am I?" 

Who am I...

 I sat there in the wet grass at Pueblo Park with fifty or so other people contemplating this question. Who Am I?

 To my God, who am I? To the people I was sitting in that park with, who am I? What do I fill my time and thoughts with? What am I known for? 

Am I known as someone who speaks Christ's love and mercy everyday? No. Am I known as someone who is constantly trying to populate Heaven? No.

 If I had to guess, I think I'm known for simpler things. I work with kids in the preschool, and I'd say that I'm good at my job. I attend and serve in the collegiate ministry at my church. I lead worship there aka I sing. And if I'm HONESTLY looking at my life... 

 That's probably all I'm known for. 

 I'm the girl that's good with kids, goes to church and sings. 

What kind of legacy am I leaving? Will the people around me remember me when I'm going? Will the world? What sort of impact have I made? 

 In Exodus 3, Moses encounters the burning bush, and he finds out that he (along with God) will lead the Israelites out of Israel.

 Can we talk about pressure? 

 I get throw-up nervous when I'm asked to say a 2 minute segment on a Tuesday night. I can't even IMAGINE how I'd feel knowing that I had to lead people out and away from the only life they've ever known. Can we, once again, talk about pressure? Moses was appointed this task when he was basically a nobody.

 I've never really thought that I was destined to do anything special. But who knows. Maybe I am. 

 But now I sit here, typing this post, and think of Andrew. Andrew was a boy in our church who passed away a few weeks ago from a fall out at Red Rock. There was a massive wave of sadness in the following days, but there was also a lot of smiles. I went to Andrew's memorial service, even though I'd only met him a time or two, and the night was amazing. He had been so outspoken and touched SO many lives in such a positive way... It was just extraordinary. 

 Maybe everyone is destined to make an impact, whether it be on a large scale or just a small moment... 

Maybe my time of impact hasn't happened. Maybe it has. Maybe it's ongoing. 

 But the question still remains... 

 Who am I?

Father's Day

When my dad died two a half years ago, there were two kinds of people that I had in my life. There were those that said I needed to be strong, suck it up and keep on trucking through life. They said that I'd see my dad again one day, so why waste selfish tears on something you can't change. And then, there were those who ask why I never cried. The polar opposites of the previous people. And even now, looking back on it, I didn't really cry. I  was so busy planning the memorial and taking care of my family that I just didn't have time to be sad. Then when my family all travelled back home, I had to worry about getting a new job, so I through myself into that, and that took all of my attention. 

And ever since then, I focus on 4 things. My relationship with Jesus. My family. My work. And my group of friends and all that in entails. I haven't had time... or better put... I haven't ALLOWED myself time to grieve. Is that wrong? I realize it's probably "unhealthy". If you're an avid reader, you know that my mom sent me to grief counseling at one point later year, and that was a complete bust. If I'm being honest, it's because I didn't ALLOW myself to get into it. I'd watch the videos, and listen to what my therapist person said, but I didn't actually care enough to take it to heart.

Now, here I am. Two and a half years later, and I am where I started... in ignorant bliss. I know my dad is gone, though there are still days where I get good news and reach for my phone to call him. But overall, I understand he is, at this point, unreachable. But beyond that, I haven't dealt with anything. I haven't dealt with the loss. I haven't dealt with the memories. I haven't dealt with the anger. I haven't dealt with anything, but I ESPECIALLY haven't dealt with the healing. I feel like it's just eons away, and because it's so unattainable, I just don't even want to bother trying.

So, all of this being said, I am sad this week. 

Father's Day is fast approaching. We are making "Father's Day Art" in our classrooms at the preschool and every time I see a project drying in the hallway, it just breaks my heart all over again. People the past two years, around Father's Day, say something like "You have a wonderful Heavenly Father, focus on that!" or "God should be enough of a Father for you!", and while those two statements are all well and good, they're just not enough. 

On the days when I can barely get out of bed. On the days where I can barely get through work. On the days when I can barely BREATHE... On those days, that's just not enough. And this week, when everyone is planning special days and making cards or buying gifts for the fathers in their lives, I get more sad by the minute.

There comes a time

There comes a time in everyone's life when it's time to grow up. 

Remember when you were a little kid, and people would ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up? What did you say? I used to say I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a teacher who moonlighted as a ballerina. Those were my goals in life.

** Side note, when I was REALLY little, like FOUR, I wanted to "grow up" to be one of the kids on Barney. Yea, I wanted to be that kid.**

Now, my goals have changed. Now, dear reader, I want something else. I want something...ordinary. Does that sound weird? I want an ordinary life. I guess that does sound strange. But I have had SO many things happen in my life (good and bad) that I think it's about dang time for life to settle down. I want the 1950's looking life. I want to get married, maybe have kids. I want to bake treats and be involved at church. And I want... simplicity. I suppose that's another way to say "ordinary" in the way that I mean it. 

Is it wrong? Is there something wrong with the fact that I don't want to be famous, or accomplish these AMAZING things. Is it wrong for me to just want simplicity?

That's what I'm thinking about today.

Until next time, sweet reader.

Weathering the storms.

Well, dear reader, we meet again. My life is in an interesting place. I was talking to someone the other day, who said "It's easier to trust in God's plan when the goings are good. It's just hard to stay focused on positive things when everything seems to be falling down around you." Well, I'll tell you, sweet reader, the same thing I told this person. If any one of you are going through something difficult, I feel like sharing a little bit about my life experiences might help you.

I diagree with those that say "it's easier to trust God when things are easy". Actually, I think the saying should be, "It's easier to FORGET God when things are easy. When things in my life are on an upward swing, and things seem, for the most part, to be going my way, I forget to do my quiet times. I don't feel guilty about missing church, and I certainly don't pray half as much as I usually do.

I think when there are, for a lack of a better term "storms", I think that's the time we need is to lean in and hold on to God for dear life. I think when we are having major life struggles, and we don't see a bright light at the end of the tunnel, that's the time to hold steadfast and be patient. 

First and foremost, choose a life verse. I know this sounds like a trivial first step, but trust me, when the storm is raging, you'll need an anchor to cling to. Secondly, find someone, or a couple of people that you can be one hundred and fifty percent honest with. Find that person that, no matter what, you can say anything to. You're going to need an outlet. And finally, sweet reader, read your bible every day. I know this is something we should do anyway. But I also know, from experience, that life happens and it doesn't get done. Make a point to do it every day. The storms stay a lot calmer when The Enemy knows that you're focused.

Until next time, dear reader.

Growth

Today is a day of growth and reflection. I have an entire blog post dedicated to the fact that I don't use my words. I bottle up feelings and opinions, instead of talking things through with people, simply because it's easier than facing an uncomfortable situation.

Today, I took a step towards fixing this. It doesn't really matter who I talked to or what it was about, honestly. It was about me, realizing things needed to be said, an instead of pushing them down and ignoring them, I responded. I talked. I listened. And things are better now.

It seems like something very stupid to blog about, but this is important in my life, even if its small.

Today was an interesting day.

Marriage Equality

So today, while scrolling through my Facebook and Instagram newsfeeds, I was faced with a very prominent picture. Today has prompted a very big discussion about the allowance of two people of the same gender being able to marry. This is a hot topic anyway, but today, there is a picture of a yellow "equal" sign all over social media sites.

Let's talk about this.

I was a little bit apprehensive to post about this particular topic, because my views are often considered... intolerant. I am not one to judge anyone. I have more than my fair share of mistakes, and I would never infringe on someone else's choices. This being said, I think same-sex marriage should not be legalized. I believe wholeheartedly that God commanded us to love Him and love others, but I also believe He created man to love woman and visa versa. I have quite a few people in my life who have "come out of the closet" as it were, and I love them just as much as anyone else in my life.

But that's my stance.

I believe marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman.

I was taught that homosexuality is a sin.

I also know that I sin in my own ways.

And I was also taught to love the sinner, hate the sin.

That's what I think.

Have a good day.

Preschool

Someone the other day called what I do for a living as "glorified babysitting".

Okay.

During an average work week for a preschool teacher, we encounter more than you'll ever believe. I've been thrown up on, bitten, licked and punched. I've wiped noses, changed diapers and performed countless moments of first aid. I GET to think up on-the-spot craft ideas and games. I GET to push kids on the swings, play basketball an play hangman for what feels like hours. I GET to recognize that every single moment is the classroom is teachable. And I GET to remember that to some of the kids in these classrooms, I am the only one planting seeds of faith, because their parents may not be.

So the next time, dear reader, you think of a preschool teacher, think about this...

That kid may be a lawyer.
That kid may be an artist.
That girl may be a mommy.
That boy may be a daddy.
That kid may be President.
That kid may be a preacher.

What we do matters. What we do is an investment. What we do is Christ-driven. And what we do will impact this country 20 years from now.

"Glorified babysitting".

Ha.