Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Alone Part 2.
So, I have come to the realization that I can never live alone. I hate being in my house alone at night. Matthew just dropped me off, and I feel like a 6 year old. I'm lonely, and moderately scared. Lol. Yes, I realize this probably sounds totally crazy and stupid, but honestly... I don't care. I hate being home alone. Looks like I will be finding another place to stay while the folks are outta town.
Alone.
So my mom and her husband left today for Arizona. They go every year right after Christmas, to visit his family, so off they went. My mom almost didn't go. She thought I'd get depressed being in a house by myself so soon after my dad died... I told her to go, and that I'd be fine, but I now wish she had stayed. Literally, as soon as they left, I wanted to see her face. I got through little moments. Pastor Bob told me that it gets easier day to day, and that usually it'll just be little things that'll make me miss him.
I've had very few breakdowns, but I miss him every day. It's weird that I can't just call or text him, or just go over to his house. It's weird that I can't ask his advice on things. The worst part is when I think about my future without him there. He won't be at my wedding. He won't get to meet his grandkids. He won't get to see me turn into an actual adult. It makes me sad to think about.
Does it ever get easier?
I guess I'm not really expecting an answer to this question. Just sending it out into the void...
I love you.
I've had very few breakdowns, but I miss him every day. It's weird that I can't just call or text him, or just go over to his house. It's weird that I can't ask his advice on things. The worst part is when I think about my future without him there. He won't be at my wedding. He won't get to meet his grandkids. He won't get to see me turn into an actual adult. It makes me sad to think about.
Does it ever get easier?
I guess I'm not really expecting an answer to this question. Just sending it out into the void...
I love you.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas 2010
Well, my first Christmas without my dad is officially over. It's Christmas day at... 9 (ish) pm, and my first dad-absent holiday is over. I made it through pretty well I think. Yesterday Matthew and I joined my mom and her family at Canyon Ridge for their Christmas service, and then went to my grandparents for dinner. Then I spent the night at the Headley's house, so I'd be there bright and early for Christmas morning. We woke up, at monkey bread (Yum!), and opened presents. Matthew and I got each other wonderful presents, and all was well. Then I watched some of Big Bang Theory (Season 3), and awaited the family gathering at 3:30. Apparently it was a small gathering this year (though it seemed like a lot of people to me), but it was full of wonderful people :) The little kids opened their presents (which was hilarious), and then the adults (including me!) play a white elephant-type gift exchange game, in which I won 2 collage picture frames (black) with the "Live, Laugh, Love" saying, and the "Faith Hope and Love" saying. I love them :)
Matthew (along with the rest of the Headleys) made this one of the best Christmases by far.
I had one minor meltdown (right before I left their house tonight, actually), about my dad. I usually go over to his house (and the out to Aunt Debbie's) for Christmas day, but this year was different. I'm not on that adapts to change well, so it was a real shock waking up in a house that wasn't mine, and not being with at least SOMEONE from my family on Christmas. Then Matthew reminded me, that I WAS with family. He and the Headley's ARE my family, because of the love that Matthew and I share. It was a nice reminder :) I do miss my daddy this Christmas, and I'm not 100 percent sure of what I'm going to do with his Christmas presents... but I know that he's happy, and pain-free up in Heaven, awaiting the day that I go to join him.
I love you.
Matthew (along with the rest of the Headleys) made this one of the best Christmases by far.
I had one minor meltdown (right before I left their house tonight, actually), about my dad. I usually go over to his house (and the out to Aunt Debbie's) for Christmas day, but this year was different. I'm not on that adapts to change well, so it was a real shock waking up in a house that wasn't mine, and not being with at least SOMEONE from my family on Christmas. Then Matthew reminded me, that I WAS with family. He and the Headley's ARE my family, because of the love that Matthew and I share. It was a nice reminder :) I do miss my daddy this Christmas, and I'm not 100 percent sure of what I'm going to do with his Christmas presents... but I know that he's happy, and pain-free up in Heaven, awaiting the day that I go to join him.
I love you.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Dad Update.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I am here to inform you of the news. My dad (Stephen Wayne Sphar) passed away on Friday December 17th at about 1:50 pm at St Rose Hospital.
I'm sort of a mix of emotions. I'm mildly depressed, only because things keep reminding me of him. I'm a little overwhelmed at the amount of things to do, and to arrange in the next week or two; not to mention entertaining all of the family that is in town now. And last but not least, I'm relieved. I nkow that probably sounds wierd or mean, but it's true. He was in So much pain for SO long, and he was SO tired ALL the time, he was just ready to go.
The timeline sort of went like this... Monday they took the tube out, he seemed to be breathing okay, so they left it out....Tuesday, he started having difficulty, and the hospital called us all to his bedside to make some decisions with him. When we got there, he told us that he didn't want to go through this anymore, and didn't want to be re-intubated. We signed the forming stating that... Wednesday, he started going downhill again. His heart rate was erratic (to say the least), and his breathing was funky. He was having trouble talking, but I had one last real conversatioin with him about decisions that were going to have to be made. I told him that if he was ready to stop fighting, and go be with Jesus, that would be okay with me. Everyone in my family agreed, and so my dad decided that he wanted to be taken off all medications (besides morphine) and just let God's will prevail. So, that's what we did. We filed the paperwork to make that happen... Wednesday was the last time I ever saw my dad. I had been thinking all week, that when the time came, I didn't want to see his final breaths. That was just never something I wanted to do. I didn't want to remember him like that, and I know for certain that he wouldn't want me to be traumatized like that.... So Thursday, I went to work. I worked all day, and then went to Grey's night with my girlfriends. We did our little white elephant thing, and that was pretty much it....Friday came, and we knew the end was drawing near. I called the hospital/my mom every hour or so to get updates. Over the course of the day, his numbers (heart rate, bloodpressure etc) were getting very bad. The at around 2, my mom called with the news. He went home to see Jesus.
An interesting bit of information that I left out of the above paragraph (on purpose) was this : My daddy loved Jesus. WHO KNEW! Pastor Damian chatted with his Tuesday night, for only a few minutes, and apparently since my dad was sick before (in august), he had found Jesus, and had been living as a Christ Follower ever since :)
That, ladies and gents, is why I feel relief. I know that one day, some day, I will see him again in his full glory.
I love you daddy.
Stephen Wayne Sphar
September 24th, 1952 - Birthday
December 17th, 2010 - Day he went Home.
I'm sort of a mix of emotions. I'm mildly depressed, only because things keep reminding me of him. I'm a little overwhelmed at the amount of things to do, and to arrange in the next week or two; not to mention entertaining all of the family that is in town now. And last but not least, I'm relieved. I nkow that probably sounds wierd or mean, but it's true. He was in So much pain for SO long, and he was SO tired ALL the time, he was just ready to go.
The timeline sort of went like this... Monday they took the tube out, he seemed to be breathing okay, so they left it out....Tuesday, he started having difficulty, and the hospital called us all to his bedside to make some decisions with him. When we got there, he told us that he didn't want to go through this anymore, and didn't want to be re-intubated. We signed the forming stating that... Wednesday, he started going downhill again. His heart rate was erratic (to say the least), and his breathing was funky. He was having trouble talking, but I had one last real conversatioin with him about decisions that were going to have to be made. I told him that if he was ready to stop fighting, and go be with Jesus, that would be okay with me. Everyone in my family agreed, and so my dad decided that he wanted to be taken off all medications (besides morphine) and just let God's will prevail. So, that's what we did. We filed the paperwork to make that happen... Wednesday was the last time I ever saw my dad. I had been thinking all week, that when the time came, I didn't want to see his final breaths. That was just never something I wanted to do. I didn't want to remember him like that, and I know for certain that he wouldn't want me to be traumatized like that.... So Thursday, I went to work. I worked all day, and then went to Grey's night with my girlfriends. We did our little white elephant thing, and that was pretty much it....Friday came, and we knew the end was drawing near. I called the hospital/my mom every hour or so to get updates. Over the course of the day, his numbers (heart rate, bloodpressure etc) were getting very bad. The at around 2, my mom called with the news. He went home to see Jesus.
An interesting bit of information that I left out of the above paragraph (on purpose) was this : My daddy loved Jesus. WHO KNEW! Pastor Damian chatted with his Tuesday night, for only a few minutes, and apparently since my dad was sick before (in august), he had found Jesus, and had been living as a Christ Follower ever since :)
That, ladies and gents, is why I feel relief. I know that one day, some day, I will see him again in his full glory.
I love you daddy.
Stephen Wayne Sphar
September 24th, 1952 - Birthday
December 17th, 2010 - Day he went Home.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving/Black Friday
Well, hello there again folks.
So yesterday, I attended my very first Headley Thanksgiving. Let me paint you a picture... 30 people or so, about 10 of which are kids... LOTS of food... Football games... It was amazing. There was SOOO many people though. Lol. And there was one particular child who is quite... loud for lack of a better word, and he was especially loud yesterday. Let me just tell you, I had a headache the size of Montana. Lol. But eventually he wwent home, and everything was fine.
Unfortunately, I didn't get any sort of nap in, in the afternoon, so black friday was difficult. Yesterday was my first real black friday experience, and it was insane. We started off at Walmart, and it was a mad house!! There were thousands of people in that store, and people were fighting, and running around for toys and movies and things. It was nuts. I can say, though, that I had quite a good time. It was almost... exillerating. Lol. THEN we got into line to check out... we were 4th... and it took 45 minutes!! The first check out that we were at, the debit card machine wasn't letting you swipe... ok, we moved back a check-stand. THEN there was this couple... Their card was declined, and no joke, that's what took 25 of the minutes!! Lol. It was the longest process ever! They ended up having to have one of their moms come and pay for their ENORMOUS purchase... and it was crazy. Then, once we finally checked out, we went to sit in line at Kohl's. This was THE WORST part of the night. Unfortunately, Kohl's didn't open until 3, and it was only about 1 oclock, so we sat in line for 2 hours in below 30 degree weather!!! I was soooo cold, my bones were aching. I ended up having to wuss out, and go sit in the car for a while. I ended up making into Kohl's alive, and I got the CUTEST "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments for Greenlee and Lucas! It was a fun shopping find! I also got Christmas cards, and I'm excited to start filling them out right after I finish this blog :) :) :) :) :) Then we went to Target. We didn't have to wait very long, maybe 10 minutes. (Though, don't get me wrong, it was still freezing. My body had not quite recovered from the Kohl's coldness.) We went in, go what we need, and got out in under an hour. It was lovely. We made a few stop on the way home, and I was in bed before the sun came up.
All in all, a good first black friday.
I need addresses for christmas cards!! Text me, or message me on facebook if you'd like one :)
(Personally, I LOVE getting "snail mail") Lol.
Until next ime.
I love you.
So yesterday, I attended my very first Headley Thanksgiving. Let me paint you a picture... 30 people or so, about 10 of which are kids... LOTS of food... Football games... It was amazing. There was SOOO many people though. Lol. And there was one particular child who is quite... loud for lack of a better word, and he was especially loud yesterday. Let me just tell you, I had a headache the size of Montana. Lol. But eventually he wwent home, and everything was fine.
Unfortunately, I didn't get any sort of nap in, in the afternoon, so black friday was difficult. Yesterday was my first real black friday experience, and it was insane. We started off at Walmart, and it was a mad house!! There were thousands of people in that store, and people were fighting, and running around for toys and movies and things. It was nuts. I can say, though, that I had quite a good time. It was almost... exillerating. Lol. THEN we got into line to check out... we were 4th... and it took 45 minutes!! The first check out that we were at, the debit card machine wasn't letting you swipe... ok, we moved back a check-stand. THEN there was this couple... Their card was declined, and no joke, that's what took 25 of the minutes!! Lol. It was the longest process ever! They ended up having to have one of their moms come and pay for their ENORMOUS purchase... and it was crazy. Then, once we finally checked out, we went to sit in line at Kohl's. This was THE WORST part of the night. Unfortunately, Kohl's didn't open until 3, and it was only about 1 oclock, so we sat in line for 2 hours in below 30 degree weather!!! I was soooo cold, my bones were aching. I ended up having to wuss out, and go sit in the car for a while. I ended up making into Kohl's alive, and I got the CUTEST "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments for Greenlee and Lucas! It was a fun shopping find! I also got Christmas cards, and I'm excited to start filling them out right after I finish this blog :) :) :) :) :) Then we went to Target. We didn't have to wait very long, maybe 10 minutes. (Though, don't get me wrong, it was still freezing. My body had not quite recovered from the Kohl's coldness.) We went in, go what we need, and got out in under an hour. It was lovely. We made a few stop on the way home, and I was in bed before the sun came up.
All in all, a good first black friday.
I need addresses for christmas cards!! Text me, or message me on facebook if you'd like one :)
(Personally, I LOVE getting "snail mail") Lol.
Until next ime.
I love you.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
So my cousin Christina...
posted this "note" on facebook, where she posted 30 random facts about herself, and then tagged people to the same. I don't post a lot of notes on facebook anymore, but I do post on here, so here it is :) I worked on these for like 3 weeks. Lol. I honestly couldn't think of 30 interesting facts about myself, but I tried. :)
1. I am secretly afraid of closed shower curtains. I have watched too many scary movies, and seen too many unsuspecting girls die because of closed shower curtains. Lol. This is a legitimate fear.
2. I love movies. I don't just love movies... I am basically obsessed with them. If I could get paid to watch movies, that would be my dream job :)
3. I love to read. I mostly read novels called "chic-lit". Books about women (usually written by women) for women. I also can't read more than one book at a time. The story lines start to run together.
4. I secretly wish I could tell people what I think of them. I have this fear of offending people, because I'm a people pleaser, and with some of the people in my life, if I told them what I truely thought, they may not like it.
5. I honestly believe that you have to be 100% happy being single before you find the one person you are meant to be with. I think it's ridiculous running around chasing guys just to feed your ego.
6. I love candles. On my bathroom counter right now is Pumpkin Spice from Bath and Body Works.
7. I'm really good at faking being happy. Enough said.
8. I am an OCD-level organization lover.
9. I love having my nails done. Painted or acrylic.
10. I have had 2 babies enter my life in the past month or so (not mine obviously), and I love them both.
11. I get overly annoyed when people are grammatically incorrect in their text messages.
12. I appreciate sleep more than most people. I would sleep all the time if I could.
13. My favorite TV shows are (in no particular order) The Golden Girls, The Facts of Life, and Grey's Anatomy.
14. When my dad was terribly sick over the months of August and September, I secrelty feared that I would never have a father/daughter dance, and it still makes me cry to think about it.
15. I love the holiday season. Not the holidays. Just the season.
16. I feel like an epic failure when people talk about their classes at school, because I'm not taking any.
17. I love to be scared. Even though in the moment, I'm usually practically crying.
18. I wish I'd had siblings closer in age growing up.
19. I love post-its.
20. I, once in a while, am a facebook stalker. Everyone has moments.
21. I prefer black pens to blue ones.
22. I love Shadow Hills, and all of the people there, but once in a while I miss Canyon Ridge beyond belief.
23. I can go through all 32 levels on Super Mario Brothers without dying, and without skipping any levels.
24. I want to name my kids using Bible names.
25. I want to work a basic reception/office job for a career because I like routine.
26. I want to live in like... Colorado or some place considerably more green than Vegas.
27. I rode Cat Buses last year when my car was busted.
28. I am conservative and proud of it.
29. I don't like cheesecake.
30. I am happy that I found the most amazing man in the entire world, and I'm excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
1. I am secretly afraid of closed shower curtains. I have watched too many scary movies, and seen too many unsuspecting girls die because of closed shower curtains. Lol. This is a legitimate fear.
2. I love movies. I don't just love movies... I am basically obsessed with them. If I could get paid to watch movies, that would be my dream job :)
3. I love to read. I mostly read novels called "chic-lit". Books about women (usually written by women) for women. I also can't read more than one book at a time. The story lines start to run together.
4. I secretly wish I could tell people what I think of them. I have this fear of offending people, because I'm a people pleaser, and with some of the people in my life, if I told them what I truely thought, they may not like it.
5. I honestly believe that you have to be 100% happy being single before you find the one person you are meant to be with. I think it's ridiculous running around chasing guys just to feed your ego.
6. I love candles. On my bathroom counter right now is Pumpkin Spice from Bath and Body Works.
7. I'm really good at faking being happy. Enough said.
8. I am an OCD-level organization lover.
9. I love having my nails done. Painted or acrylic.
10. I have had 2 babies enter my life in the past month or so (not mine obviously), and I love them both.
11. I get overly annoyed when people are grammatically incorrect in their text messages.
12. I appreciate sleep more than most people. I would sleep all the time if I could.
13. My favorite TV shows are (in no particular order) The Golden Girls, The Facts of Life, and Grey's Anatomy.
14. When my dad was terribly sick over the months of August and September, I secrelty feared that I would never have a father/daughter dance, and it still makes me cry to think about it.
15. I love the holiday season. Not the holidays. Just the season.
16. I feel like an epic failure when people talk about their classes at school, because I'm not taking any.
17. I love to be scared. Even though in the moment, I'm usually practically crying.
18. I wish I'd had siblings closer in age growing up.
19. I love post-its.
20. I, once in a while, am a facebook stalker. Everyone has moments.
21. I prefer black pens to blue ones.
22. I love Shadow Hills, and all of the people there, but once in a while I miss Canyon Ridge beyond belief.
23. I can go through all 32 levels on Super Mario Brothers without dying, and without skipping any levels.
24. I want to name my kids using Bible names.
25. I want to work a basic reception/office job for a career because I like routine.
26. I want to live in like... Colorado or some place considerably more green than Vegas.
27. I rode Cat Buses last year when my car was busted.
28. I am conservative and proud of it.
29. I don't like cheesecake.
30. I am happy that I found the most amazing man in the entire world, and I'm excited to spend the rest of my life with him.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Weekend to remember.
This weekend has been crazy.
Thursday morning, I woke up super early and went with Liss Liss aka Melissa to get her braces put on, and then we grabbed lunch and went to her house. Vegging all afternoon and watching super girly movies make the day amazing.
I saw the movie "Unstoppable" over the weekend with my favorite girls, Mo, Matt C., and Willum. It stars Denzel Washington, which is one of favorite actors EVER! :) It was a really good movie. I definitely recommend it to everyone.
Today was fun. I definitely was NOT really excited to get up early to go to church, but I made it. Service was good. Pastor is an awesome speaker, and I love that I get something out of every single week's lesson. The worship today was really good... very soulful... and the 3 girls that sang on the end had some very nice harmonies. :) Bible study was good, but of course, our room was freezing...
Tonight we had a surprise 21st birthday party for Chelsea Schoenbeck from church. She was totally surprised, and seemed to genuinely enjoy herself. Unfortunately, she wasn't feeling to well, but she still seemed to have fun.
Funny story... Lauren Poulin had to write an essay for english class, and she totally wrote about Tonya/Tammy. I think it's hilarious. Hopefully her teacher likes it as much as I did.
Well, that's about all I have to say.
Until next time loved ones.
I love you.
Thursday morning, I woke up super early and went with Liss Liss aka Melissa to get her braces put on, and then we grabbed lunch and went to her house. Vegging all afternoon and watching super girly movies make the day amazing.
I saw the movie "Unstoppable" over the weekend with my favorite girls, Mo, Matt C., and Willum. It stars Denzel Washington, which is one of favorite actors EVER! :) It was a really good movie. I definitely recommend it to everyone.
Today was fun. I definitely was NOT really excited to get up early to go to church, but I made it. Service was good. Pastor is an awesome speaker, and I love that I get something out of every single week's lesson. The worship today was really good... very soulful... and the 3 girls that sang on the end had some very nice harmonies. :) Bible study was good, but of course, our room was freezing...
Tonight we had a surprise 21st birthday party for Chelsea Schoenbeck from church. She was totally surprised, and seemed to genuinely enjoy herself. Unfortunately, she wasn't feeling to well, but she still seemed to have fun.
Funny story... Lauren Poulin had to write an essay for english class, and she totally wrote about Tonya/Tammy. I think it's hilarious. Hopefully her teacher likes it as much as I did.
Well, that's about all I have to say.
Until next time loved ones.
I love you.
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