Last words

Dear reader,

I am in the middle of watching "How I Met Your Mother". I know the show is long since over, but I am trekking my way through what seems like an endless supply of episodes.

I have watched a few episodes today, but one of them was heavier than the average half hour sitcom. There's a character on the show named Marshall, and in tonight's episode, Marshall's dad died. In the episode, Marshall had a voice mail from his dad, left on the day he passed away and Marshall was FREAKING OUT. Once he listened to the voice mail, whatever his dad said, those would be his dad's last words to him.

Have you ever thought about that? 

Think about the last week of your life... I mean really think about it... I'll wait.

Is everything that you've said to people been uplifting? Has every comment you've made, phrase that's escaped your lips been productive or helpful in some way? Has it been loving?

Let me just have a real moment here, sweet reader, my answer would undoubtedly be heck no! I've never really been overly concerned with the thought of "last words", but as I sit here thinking about it, I start to worry. What's the last thing I said to you, dear reader? There's no one on my friends list that I don't know in real life. I don't have an "internet friends", so it's time to think back...

What's the last thing I said to you? Was it positive? Was it rude or sarcastic? Was it sassy? Was it sweet?

I guess the point of this post is to reiterate what our parents have been telling us since we were kids...

Think before you speak

Because the next thing you say to someone could be the last thing you say to someone. 

Make it count.

Be still

As I was driving home tonight, I was giving some more thought to something that was brought to my attention yesterday during that meeting I mentioned in yesterday's post. The person I was meeting with is one of my favorites. I truly value what he has to say, and because he's known me longer than almost anyone in my life, I tend to follow the advice he gives me.

So, during yesterday's meeting, I was telling this wise friend of mine about this new new life I've begun. I talked about my new job, and my overall new chapter of life that I've just started writing. At the end of it all, I told him a realization that I'm not really happy.

My life has drastically improved in the past 365 days. Last year at this time, I was a MESS. I was basically homeless, and having some sort of early midlife crisis. The worst part of that adventure is that I told absolutely NO ONE. The people at the preschool had no idea that my life was in a downward spiral. Now, a year later, I have a job I've always wanted, I have a coupleoftop notch friends, and I have a goal for my immediate future.

But I'm not happy.

I'm not really sure what my issue is. I can't pin point one definite thing that's making me feel so "down" about life. Am I just not letting myself be happy? Does that even make sense? I know this is something I do, because I have noticed that I will intentionally listen to sad songs or watch sad movies. Isn't that insane? Why would a sane person CHOOSE to engage in sad things? 

I think I'm sounding like I'm anything but sane. 

I say this all the time, but I think I'm a little bit broken. 

BUT

The point of this long, drawn out blog post is the advice I received during yesterday's chit chat adventure. My friend told me to just "be still". 

Quit looking ahead. Quit wondering what's next. Quit worrying about every little thing.

Just be still. Enjoy life as it is. 

Be still. Let God tell you what's next when HE is ready, not when YOU think the time is right.

This is going to be tough for me, but I'm up for anything. 

Let's give it a go.

Check back, sweet reader! I'll keep you posted!!

It's time to learn about myself...

Do you ever question where your life is heading? 

I'm in a weird place in my life, and today I had a conversation with someone that, I think, is going to help me get through it.

I quit my job. I had been working at Shadow Hills for a long time, and I loved almost every minute of it. My technical work hours were 9:30 am to 6:00 pm Monday through Friday, but because of the amount of things I was needing to get done every week, I'd come in at like 8:30 in the morning and stay until 7:00 or later at night. I'd also spend a great deal of time there on Saturdays and Sundays. It was a lot of work, but the way I viewed it, it was for the betterment of the Preschool, and it was my part in furthering the kingdom. I couldn't have loved my job any more! Well, sweet reader, I'm sure you're sitting there wondering where the problem was? 

Well, I was burned out. I spent more than the majority of my waking hours on that campus, and it got to the point where I would skip Sunday church and Tuesday night bible studies because I just COULD NOT spend any more time on the grounds of Shadow Hills. It was insane.

So, I put in my notice, and I quit.

I was offered a job at a K-12 Charter School, Quest Prep Academy. It's an amazing position with someone of the greatest staff members and kids I've ever worked with. It's definitely been a change... We had some high schoolers on campus this week taking their proficiency exams, and it was interesting being around "big kids". I've been with nothing but small children for YEARS. It's a whole new world, but I am loving every minute of it.

SO, the point of this whole story is to tell you, my dear reader, is to tell you why my life is in this weird place. Like I said, I used to stay at the Preschool until all hours. I had almost NO social life, and I got settled into that life. I had gotten used to it. Well, now I get off at 3 every day, and I have a lot of free time. I mean, a LOT. I know you're asking yourself... What's the issue? 

The issue, devoted reader, is that I don't know what to DO with the free time. I was talking to someone today, and I was told to get a hobby. Find something to fill this free time. Well, dear reader, I don't have hobbies. I don't collect anything. I don't really know WHAT I like to do...

I honestly think that I'm stressed about this "new life" I've begun because I don't really know myself. My life has only ever been valuable (in my eyes) when I was serving other people. I have always been the type to make sure everyone else was happy, and I found my own version of happiness IN that service.

I think I have a little mess on my hands here.

I now have the time. I think it's time to learn about myself.

The reason I hate weddings...

Today was not my favorite day.

Today was a hectic day at work. One of the more hectic days we have had in a long while.

Today was also the wedding of two people I truly care about. The Hendrix wedding, as it has been hashtagged, has been the talk of Shadow Hills for weeks, and today was the day. I couldn't go to the ceremony because of work, but I was so excited for the reception. A relaxing night with friends and family is just what I've been needing.

So I get in my car, and get all set to drive over, and for whatever reason, I freeze. I start thinking about the night that lay ahead, and I look out across the "big grass" and see my fabulous friends taking their wedding pictures. They looked just amazing.

But as I sat there in my car, I got to thinking about the same things that always cross my mind before a wedding, and that is the DREADED father/daughter dance. I've seen one of these dances since my dad died, and it was almost worse than the moment he died.

So I decided that I would have to skip the reception... I was driving home, and rationalizing skipping this event. And then I turned around. I drove over to the reception site (our friend's house), and wandered in.

I didn't stay long. I couldn't. But I saw Kelsey in her amazing dress and Nick and his matching groomsmen. It was a beautiful night full of beautiful people. Like I said, I couldn't stay. Most weddings tend to have the dreaded dance, and I didn't want to chance it tonight.

Will this feeling, this fear ever subside? I stopped posting on my blog for a while (Hopefully you've noticed, sweet reader) because someone told me that I post about my dad too much and I became self conscious. But tonight, he's all I can think about. That noticeably awkward moment that will be missing from my wedding sometime in the future.

The thought of not being able to have that moment makes me cry the instant I think about it.

Someday I hope that changes.

I won't pray for that

Today someone asked me to pray for healing for someone they know. Is it rude that I responded with "I'll pray for God's will in the situation"?? 

On a daily basis, people ask me to pray for them in some way. A family member is sick. They're having troubles at work. Whatever the case may be. It happens every day. 

But I can't bring my self to pray for healing or safety or anything like that. Is it selfish to pray for the outcome you want I a situation when maybe that's not the ultimate plan? Is it wrong to pray for healing when maybe it's someone's special time to go hang with Jesus? Is it questioning God to ask for counsel from others before you ask advice from the One who created you? Is it proactive to moan and groan about being single? 

I won't pray that you're healed, but I'll pray for His will to be done. I won't pray for you to get the dream job, but I will pray for your patience and your peace! I won't pray for you to find the love of your life tomorrow, but I will pray that you find happiness in your life, as is, and that when you're ready, if that's the plan, that you find someone amazing. 

If you ask me, I will always pray for you,though it may not be the way you'd expected. 

God will work out everything the way it supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason. Even the bad things! Embrace it. Learn from it. 

Everything will be okay. 

And I will fear no evil

Today I am giving a lot of thought and prayer time to the idea of fear. 

We shall see where this leads.. 

Worrying is a sin.

Did you know that? 

Well, I've been worrying (aka sinning) a lot lately, especially this week. 

We weren't promised an easy life right?