30 things.

Someone I know on facebook posted a list of 30 things to do this year, and I LOVED it.

So here it goes...

1.Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2.Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3.Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled .

4.Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5.Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6.Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7.Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8.Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9.Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10.Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness .

11.Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12.Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13.Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14.Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15.Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16.Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17.Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18.Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19.Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20.Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21.Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22.Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23.Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done .

24.Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25.Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26.Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27.Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28.Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29.Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30.Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Just something to think about...

Eternity is at stake.

I was having a conversation with a boy in my class today named Jack. He was being very clingy, so I asked him if everything was okay, and this was his response.

"My heart is breaking Ms. Whitney, and it makes me feel bad. There are lots of kids who don't love Jesus out there. It just breaks my heart."

It was one of the most sincere and sweet moments I've ever had with one of my work kiddos.

It really speaks to the fact that even kids understand that we are called to seek and save the lost. Even someone as young as Jack, who's 4, realizes that there are people who don't share in the happiness of knowing Jesus' love.

It makes me happy to hear that his "heart is breaking", because it's a call on his little heart. Maybe he'll be a missionary one day. Maybe he'll be a pastor or teach Sunday school class. He cares, and that's what's important.

Do you tell people about Jesus? We are given ample opportunity every day to spread the gospel, but how many of us actually take advantage of those God-given moments? I know I don't always.

Your neighbors. Your lab partner. Your best friend. Your cousin. All these people that are permanent fixtures in your life, that you've grown to care about, but do you know if they're going to Heaven? Do you know for sure?

Doesn't that scare you? It surely scares me! It makes me sad! Eternity is a LONG time to spend without all of the people that we love. And eternity is a LONG time for you loved ones to spend somewhere that's not Heaven...

Have you ever thought of it that way? That the people you love, who have decided not accept Jesus, are destined for Hell?

I'm sorry, but if that's not motivation to get out there and spread the gospel, I don't know what is.

Think it over.

Eternity is at stake.

Grief Share

My grandma has been going to a class every Thursday night for the past 13 weeks called Grief Share. It's a class on working through your grief when a loved one dies. So, last night was the last session, "family night" and my mom and I decided to go with her. It was an interesting experience. People got up and talked about memories, and they played a video slide show that had everyone's loved ones' pictures in it. It was sad and interesting at the same time.

So, the decision has been made. It's going to be hard and sad, and I'm probably not going to like it at the beginning. But, I was sitting there, listening to all of these people who completed the class, some of them little kids (like 7 or 8 y/o) and they're in a healthier place grieving-wise then I am. So there's got to be something to it right?

We shall see...

One year

This Saturday marks the first year anniversary of the day my daddy went to be with Jesus.

I am a CRAZY mix of emotions lately, though I can't lie, I'm mostly sad. I can't lie. There are a lot of things going on in life... a lot. I am, in general, not an emotional person. It's just never been my thing, but lately I just can't pull it together.

I miss my dad more than I've ever missed anything before. I still find myself going to my phone to call him when something good happens. I want to hug him...

It's just not fair, I guess.

But life's not fair right?

I feel like I'll be sad forever.

I am...

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed.

I have the Holy Spirit power.

The die has been cast.

I've stepped over the line.

The decision's been made.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure.

I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity.

I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded.

I now live by presence, learn by faith, love by patience, am lifted by prayer and am labored by power.

My pace is set. My gait is fast. My road is narrow. My was is rough, my companions few, my guide reliable and my mission clear. I can not be bought, compromised, deterred, lurred away, turned back, diluted or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, back up, let up or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when he comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes." (Romans 1:16)

Testimony.

Can we talk about testimonies for a minute?

A while back (in August), I wrote a small paragraph in the middle of a blog about testimonies. I am proud to say after HOURS of writing, one meeting with my pastor, 3 rewrites, 10 verses and a partridge in a pear tree... it's finally done :)

I'm nervous about actually giving it, though. Like, actually getting up in front of people and telling them all of ins and outs of my life scares the crap out of me... but ever since that day talking to Kevin at camp, and really even before that, I've just felt this pressing need to do this. I've never really felt anything this God-driven in my life before, and I'm excited about it.

I don't think me telling my story is going to really be life altering for anyone, but who knows? When I met with Jason, he said that maybe the reason that I feel so strongly about doing this is because there's someone in the group who needs to hear it. Maybe there's someone who's going through the same things I went through, and they need someone to talk to. And I guess it's possible.

I don't really feel like I'm full of advice, but if I'm meant to help someone, even if it's only one person, I guess it's something I've got to do.

Until next time friends.

Love you.

A White Line.

I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends today, and it's been on my mind ever since. We were at lunch, and discussing how, when people are new christians, that they sometimes think that there's a white line dividing behavior. Is it God-honoring? Is it not?

When I first accepted Christ, I almost went crazy trying to live a "perfect" life. I used to get SOOO frustrated with myself when I would do something wrong. Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel guilty when you do something wrong, or say something wrong, or think something that you shouldn't? When I was new to things, it made me feel like a failure. After a while, I actually started thinking that maybe I wasn't good enough to be part of God's family, because I couldn't seem to do anything right. I think this is something we need to take into account when we bring our loved ones into our church family. When we bring our friends and family into this new life, I think it's our responsibility to make sure that they understand that no one's perfect, and even though we can try our hardest, we never will be. No matter what. It's sort of defeating if you think about it in just that context, but if you ever feel defeated, all you need to remember is that Jesus died for you. The only person in the entire existence of the world who was perfect, the only one, died for you. Did you know that Jesus would've died for the all of the sin on earth, even if it was just for you? Did you know that?

Do you fathom what that means?

It means you're loved. It means that you're God's child. You were chosen, LONG before you ever existed to be part of God's family. You're not perfect, but God loves you anyway.

That's what it means.

Thought of the day. Love you guys.

Goodnight.

Dr. Brantley

I had an interesting conversation today with someone, and it's been on my mind ever since.

I went to Starbucks this morning, and I saw Dr. Brantley. He was my dad's pulmonologist (lung doctor) when my dad was at Summerlin Hospital. He was in line ahead of me, and I wasn't planning on saying anything because I figured that he's had hundreds of patients, and that he wouldn't remember me at all. Well, I was mistaken. When he turned around, he smiled and said hey, and asked how I'd been.

I was surprised he remembered me at all. Lol. It was a pleasant surprise actually. Though, obviously my dad is no longer around, our experience at Summerlin was amazing. The staff, everyone from doctors to nurses to orderlies... everyone was amazing and concerned and sweet to us.

Dr. Brantley asked me how everything was going, and how everyone in my family was. He didn't remember everyone's names, but he remembered my face,and some of the details of my dad's case... It was crazy. It almost made me feel... better. Thanksgiving was hard, because my dad wasn't there, so some comfort, even from a stranger, was awesome.

Anywho. So Dr. Brantley and I chatted for just a few more minutes, but he seemed genuinely interested in making sure that I was doing okay. He asked if I had taken advantage of any of the grief counselling classes that the hospices offer. I told him that I'd tried a couple of things, but that I hadn't really followed through on anything.

It was such an awesome conversation. It was only a few minutes, but we talked about dealing with the grief, how bottling it up can actually hurt a lot more than it seems like. He asked me what the hardest part about the whole situation was, and I told him that besides the obvious point that my father was no longer around, that the hardest part was making all of the decisions. Signing papers and making life and death decisions for someone who's unconscious and can't make decisions for themselves. It's something I never thought I'd have to do. It's something I don't think ANYONE should ever have to do.

I am amazingly appreciative that Dr. Brantley took time out of his busy schedule to help me. :)

Love you friends.

Until next time.

Eight pounds.

It's been 9 days since I revamped this weight loss adventure, and I am proud to say that I've lost eight pounds already :) I'm actually pretty proud of myself! :)

I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'm on the way!

Thanks for the few of you that have been sooo supportive!

Love you.

Day 7.

I am 7 days into this new weight loss adventure, and it's been interesting. I've been eating a LOT better. More chicken. More veggies. More movement on my part.

I need to get my scale from my mom's house to actually keep track of my progress, but so far I'm excited :)

Thanks for the continued support :)

I love you friends.

Jamaica? Ghana?

I've been thinking a lot about mission trips lately.

I have a friend who has told me to think outside the box, and to live life outside of my comfort zone. I've done a bunch of mission trips in my life, mostly to Mexico. But my favorite one was after hurricane Katrina when we went with a team of 14 down to Mississippi and rebuilt a house for an awesome woman and her daughter. I loved the sense of purpose it gave me. I loved bonding with my fellow team members. But most of all, I loved seeing the little girl's smile at the end of the trip when she saw her new hot pink bedroom. I loved knowing that because God told me to, I did a good thing, and it was appreciated.

So, here I am, thinking about another mission trip. I haven't done one since I made the switch to Shadow Hills, and that's something that has been missing from my life. All of those weeks in Mexico and everywhere else made me smile, and made me feel SO good :)

So I got online tonight and googled. I looked over the IMB website, and requested information on a trip (3 months) to Ghana. And I got on the MissionDiscovery website and requested information on a trip to Jamaica.

So, I'm praying about it. Researching it.

Do I feel called to be a career missionary? No.

But do I feel like there's a pressing need to go out into the world? Yes.

Do I have any excuses not to go? Nope.

So, that's where I am right now. That's where my mind's at.

Nothing is set in stone, but things are started.

Biggest Loser

I have a strange fascination with this show. I LOVE to watch it. It's motivation, and the health tips are amazing :) BUT, I get un-motivated easily. Lol. All it takes is ONE day of not exercising or ONE meal that isn't healthy.

Well, I'm on one of those kicks right now. Where I don't do a whole lot but church and work. I don't exercise, like, at all. I haven't really cared what I've been eating.

So, I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Loser reruns on Netflix, and it's motivating. It makes me want to do more. It makes me want to get started on a new life. After camp last year, I lost like 35 lbs, and I'm pretty dang sure I've gained all of that back, and it's depressing.

I want to do better. I want to eat better. I want to be healthier.

So I'm gonna get started. It's not going to be some overnight thing. I'm not crazy. I know I'm not going to drop a bunch of weight right away, but I need to get started.

Unconditional

Do you love unconditionally?

I don't. It's something I'm working on...

But if God can love us unconditionally, we should be able to do the same. Or at least try...

Just something I'm thinking about.

Serenity.

I have people in my life who have been affected by alcoholism, and are currently in AA, and they have that mantra...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've been thinking about this saying a lot lately. It's actually on a little note card taped to my bathroom mirror.

I have this idea of how life should be. I have this idea of how I thought my life would turn out, who would be in it, what I would do for the rest of my life. I had all these plans. Then life actually happens, and some of the things that were planned (well, actually a lot of what was planned) haven't turned out the way I wanted, or haven't worked out at all. It's interesting and depressing to think about sometimes, but then I reread this saying it feels easier. I think this saying to myself quite often, and it does give me a sense of peace.

Just something I was thinking about...

Happy.

The past few days, I've been thinking a lot about my life and the people in it.

I used to have this dream. I literally had it, like once a week in high school and the dream went like this...

I walk into a gym, like a high school gymnasium, and everyone who's ever entered into my life (even for a short time) is standing there in rows. They're frozen, just standing there, perfectly still. And then the ENTIRE dream is me walking to each and every person and telling them how they've impacted me and my world both positively and negatively. I told them what I honestly thought of their actions and attitudes toward me, and then I'd move on to the next person.

It's the strangest dream I've ever had, and the frequency in which I've had this dream is insane. Well, as I said, I used to have this dream in high school... I had it for a couple years afterwards, I still had it... up until about 2 years ago... And then last night, it came back. it was different though. None of my high school friends were there. it was all of my new friends, my new family. It was an interesting and enlightening experience. I said things to these "statues" that I would never have said in real life. Lol. There's not really a point to telling you, the reader, this story. It's insane to think about.

I had a really good day today. My kids were especially good today at work. They were absolutely angels, and that happens on only RARE occasions, so I couldn't help but smile :) then I came home from work, and my room mates and Brandon were getting started on moving our newest room mate's bed upstairs into her room as a surprise. I was sooo happy that I got home just in time to help :) Then I had a yummy dinner and got to watch some episodes of Private Practice. I got to chat with 2 good friends, one on a mission and one serving in Afghanistan.

All in all, I've had an amazing day, and I thank God every day for the people and the opportunities He's given me.

Life is good. God provides.

Until next time.

Thoughts.

Do you ever get kept up at night because your mind is racing?

This has been happening to me a lot lately. There are SO many things going on in my life, and so many thoughts to go along with that, that sometimes I'm up until the wee hours of the morning going over and over things in my mind.

I'm one of those people that gets stressed out easily. I'm also one of those people that bottles up emotions (When I feel the need), until there's just an unbearable amount of emotion.

I know it's a horrible habit. I know I shouldn't do it. I know it's unbiblical and unhealthy.

Regardless.

That's apparently my style.

I Am Changing.

Look at me
Look at me

I am changing, tryin' every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
I'm trying-to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear
I am changing, I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand


All my life I've been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost
How many dark nights have I known


Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness-can make a person blind
But now I can see


I am changing, tryin every way I can
I am changing, I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,
oh-that would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am-This time I am


I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again, I'm leaving my past behind
I'll change my life-I'll make a vow
And nothing's gonna stop me now

Dance.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy today (one of my favorite shows), and it was the episode where Callie and Arizona get married.

It's really hard for me to watch weddings any more, because in every single wedding there's a father/daughter dance.

I really hate the fact that I won't ever get to have that dance.

It makes me unbelievably sad.

Stressed

I feel like I have a lot of stresses in my life right now, and it's taking it's toll.

Work is rough. The number of kids in the daycare has dropped, so my hours have been cut a LOT. So, I've been job searching... but obviously there's not a lot out there... So I'm worried.

I feel this REALLY strong feeling that I'm supposed to write out my testimony. I talked about it at camp with one of my friends, and he said that I should work on it. Write it out. But I don't want to. Lol. I know that sounds weird... but I just don't want to. There are people in this group, in our college group, that have been around me for YEARS, and if I gave my testimony, they would be more than a little surprised at some of my stories. Ya know? I'm afraid of the judgement. And then, on top of all that, I don't understand why someone would care about my story. I don't understand how my story... my struggles, my accomplishments, my life... would make a difference to anyone. You know what I mean? I don't know. So, I was talking about this with Derek last night, and he pointed out that there's just so many little signs telling me that this is what I should do. Write it out.

UGH.

I don't know. Lol. The thought of telling people about my life story just freaks me out.

But the signs are there. So it's time to work.

I need help.

Hey there everyone.

So I have an issue. Most of you know that I work at Shadow Hills, in the daycare. Well, unfortunately, because of the lack of enrollment and a host of other reasons, they've cut my hours back A LOT.

So the job search begins.

Anyone know of anyone hiring?

I could really use some help. I'm out of ideas.

Beautiful.

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly it's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Tryin' hard to fill the emptiness, the piece is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?

'Cause you are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down, oh no
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we do
(No matter what we say)
No matter what we say
(We're the song that's outta tune)
(Full of beautiful mistakes)

(And everywhere we go)
And everywhere we go
(The sun will always shine)
The sun will always, always shine!
(But tomorrow we might awake on the other side)

'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

One of those days...

I'm having one of those days today where I REALLY miss my dad. It's the craziest thing, because I KNOW I should be happy for him. He's in Heaven with Jesus. There's nothing better.

BUT

I am selfish, and I miss him. I miss him every minute of every day, and there are some days, like today, where I miss him so much that it hurts.

So now I'm sitting here, alone, because all of my house mates are upstairs sleeping or whatever, and watching glee and being sad. Pathetic and selfish.

The problem is that I don't want to talk about it. Even if one of my house mates was down here, I wouldn't want to talk about it. That's just not who I am. I bottle up emotions. I don't talk through them. Yes. It's unhealthy, but it's my way for now.

I just need like... one encouraging text lol. Idk. Lame.

Happy Wednesday.

Noah, Kyle and Austin

So I was at work today, and I had a VERY interesting conversation with three of the boys in my class today. We were walking back from the gymnasium, and Noah was talking about how he wanted to live to be 100. Then I told them that in the bible, people lived to be MORE than 100, and that put them in a state of shock. Lol. But then Austin... my little thinker gets this look on his face... like he's thinking about something REALLY important. Then he asks me...

"When was God born?"

This was a ROUGH question for me to answer. I told Austin (and the two other boys) that God has always been around. He wasn't ever born... he's just always been there.

Now let me interject here that these boys are all about 8 years old, so I knew going into this that they probably wouldn't understand, BUT I tried my best to explain that God existed... He just lived, and THEN he decided to create the universe, and the world we live in now. Now, that's pretty deep for 8 year olds, but I tried my best. Lol.

It was an AMAZING opportunity to plant a seed in these 3 boys, and it was a very exciting conversation :) I'm so proud of my little Austin for asking such a good question which sparked a cool conversation :)

So much to say...

I've been wanting to write a blog since we got back from camp, but I keep running into the same problem... so much to say, but I don't know where to start. Lol.

So here it goes...

Camp was good this year. It was a LOT different than last year, but overall it was a nice week :) The worship was excellent, and Matt Chandler was a sensational speaker. :) But the best part of camp was the people we took :) The group this year was just as amazingly awesome as it was last year :)

I can't lie. It was nice coming home though. The drive went by a LOT faster, especially without a "parent in the hospital" phone call. (And yes, I definitely called my mom and told her that wasn't allowed lol). Then I got to come home to my new house where I live with some of my favorite people! :)

This new living arrangement is quite the experience. It's making me grow up a lot faster, and I think it's going to be a great experience for all four of us. I can't lie though, there are down sides. The one that bothers me the most is everyone's opinions of our house. It's annoying. Literally 4 people have told me how awesome it would be if we put cameras up in our house, so that everyone can see the drama. I'm tired of everyone telling me how they don't think our house is going to work out; that it's impossible for 4 girls to live together without killing each other. I don't know... I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.

Other than that, life is okay.

I've had a LOT of things on my mind lately.

At camp, I had some free time before Chapel, and I had a really good conversation with Kevin about testimonies. I didn't understand the point of telling someone your life story. I didn't understand why someone would care to know all the crazy details of my life. It's not something I've heard about at my two previous churches. SO. I was chatting with Kev about this, and he challenged me to work on my testimony. So, that's what I've been doing. It's been an interesting experience. It's hard re-living parts of my life.. I don't think I could EVER get up in front of everyone and tell my story. Even the people who've known me the longest (Darrin, the Crockers, etc.), don't even REALLY know my story. Hopefully I think I'll be really happy when it's finished. (As long as I don't have to tell anyone lol) :)

For the past month or so, something's been really bothering me, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it, but since this is my blog, I think I'll just keep it on here for now. Not too many people read it anyway. Lol. This may sound stupid, but I HATE when people call me mom. Like, it drives me crazy. I like to do things for people. I like to cook for them, or whatever, and when people say "thanks mom" or whatever, it bugs me. I feel like it's an insult or a put-down, but there's no way to say "please stop that" without sounding like a jerk. Ya know? Anyways. It's not something that's going to change... too many people do it... but I wish they wouldn't :/

I have a lot more to talk about, but I'm tired of typing. Lol.

Until next time.

Starbucks.

I have this addiction to sitting in Starbucks for hours at a time, contemplating life, reading, and people watching. I used to be really bad. Lol. I dated someone who worked at Starbucks, and I was here ALL the time, but I feel like it's slowed since then. Lol. THEN I met Kate Shura. Lol. She's just as obsessed as I used to be, so I have this new/re-found love of hanging out in Starbucks and chatting the rainy afternoons away.

I had a mini-chat the other day with my friend Tasha, and we were talking about my blog. I told her that I was thinking about deleting it, because I feel like no one reads it. I told her I felt like I was just sending my thoughts out into this void, and that no one one would miss it if it were gone. I haven't really decided one way or the other yet. Tasha said she reads it. Lol. So, I have at least one fan. :) Lol. I really enjoy blogging. I wish I could be a professional blogger. Lol. Unfortunately, I don't think writing is what I'm called to do. Lol. But it's nice to dream right?

In other news, I'm currently getting ready to, in the next 5 days, do ALL of my laundry, shop/pack for camp, pack ALL of my belongings, and semi-move into the Key house, and leave for camp. Lol. It's going to be the most insane week. Lol. I'm excited for everything to happen!! Lol.

In other news, I feel like I'm getting to a better place with the whole "matt's gone" thing. I still have moments, USUALLY when I get an email. Lol. But I'm getting a lot better. I've finally accepted that he's okay. It's weird, because even though I knew he got there safely, I still just couldn't accept that he was okay. Lol. It's weird. I'm not sure how to explain it. Lol. ANYWAYS. So, we've emailed a few times, and I've seen some pictures, so I know he's PERFECTLY fine. So, I'm getting better. Lol. That's the gist of this entire paragraph. Lol. I'm getting to a better point with everything going on, but there's a few things I want to say. Lol. People keep asking me the same questions, so I'm going to answer them on here :) Haha. No, Matt and I aren't together. No, we did not promise to hold out for each other while he's away. Lol. Yes, we are still REALLY good friends. Yes, I'm emailing him while he's on his mission trip, though not often because I don't want to cause any distractions. No, I don't know if we're going to get back together when he gets back. Lol. Only God knows that one. Lol. But yes, we'll always be really good friends, and no, there's no awkwardness needed anymore about this situation. Lol. If you have a question or comment about us, feel free to ask. Lol.

I'm in a fairly happy mood today :)

Thanks Jesus.

Sass.

The title of my blog today makes me smile. :) My friend Kate, who I am currently sitting by, this I full of sass. I make some fairly sassy comments sometimes, and there are moments when it's just HILARIOUS... or at least I think so. Lol.

In other news, I am down 8lbs since the fourth of July :) HEY! Lol. It's fairly exciting news. Obviously not a tremendous amount of weight loss in 3 weeks, but it makes me happy anyway. Lol.

I'm STOKED for camp! The weird food. The community groups. (Though I'm sad none of my buddies from last year will be there!) The worship. The messages. The classes aka tracks. I'm so excited :) Last year, I was fighting and complaining LITERALLY the ENTIRE drive up there, and it ended up being the best experience of my life. Lol.

So, I wasn't going to put this on my blog, because I'm probably not going to get the response that I want to hear from putting it on here, but here goes...

I was sitting in my classroom at work last week, and something really strange happened. I got this weird feeling. Now, let me preface this by saying that I've never had a "God moment" where I felt his presence the way I did that day. I don't really understand what it was, but I just got this unavoidable urge to write. So, I pulled out a spiral notebook, because I ALWAYS have one. Lol. And I wrote. I don't really remember writing, which is strange to me. But I finished two hours later when my little ones at work woke up from their naps. I reread what I wrote, and it seemed to be a lesson. Now, let me just say that I have NEVER EVER EVER thought of getting up on a Tuesday night or a Sunday morning, and telling people about the bible. It's never been one of my goals. I've never even thought about it, and to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't want to do it. The thought scares me. Lol. After rereading these pages of thoughts and notes and verses, I titled the lesson, "Faith Through Hard Times", and put the spiral notebook on my dresser, and I haven't touched it since then. I emailed a friend about it, and I was told that I have to teach it. I was told that it wasn't given to me just for kicks or for giggles. It was given to me because God wanted me, specifically to have it. So here I am, at this crossroads of "I was given this lesson in a spiritual moment" and "I would be terrified to get up in front of everyone, and I just flat out don't want to tell people about this". So, no plans yet.

So those three things are what my mind is focused on at the moment. Haha. Weight loss. Camp. Mystery Lesson.

Ha. My life's a trip.

Fake.

Last year, camp was the best, and worst week of my life. I got to hear some AMAZING worship. I got to meet my AWESOME community group members. And I got to bond with my church family. All Positives.

Then we sat in that circle. Then we sat in that giant circle and admitted to everything we didn't want to admit too in front of eighty something other people. My problem?

I'm fake.

If you were with us at Glorieta last year, maybe you'll remember the following story, but I'm posting it on here just for funsies.

It was Wednesday of the week we were at camp, and my turn had already past in the circle event. I had said my peace about my comfort zone, and I had NO plans to get up an share any more of my personal issues. But I had this feeling. ALMOST a voice telling me to get up and share again. Share something else. Earlier that day I had a conversation with someone, and admitted that I'd been sick the ENTIRE week at camp, and I was faking being "good" or "okay" because I didn't want to worry anyone else. I try my very hardest not to put my burdens on other people. Lol. That person told me that I was being fake. They told me that this was my church family, and that most of them, when they asked "how are you feeling?" wanted a genuine answer. I, of course, came right back and told this person that NO ONE wanted to hear that I had SEVERE altitude sickness, and was absolutely miserable. NO ONE. Lol. But I digress. Lol. So here we are, sitting in the giant circle. Damian told us that if at any point we feel led to get up and say something, we can. So here comes that little feeling... that little voice... telling me to get up and fess up. So I stood up. I had no idea what I was going to say. I had no idea what I was doing, and to be honest, I would've given anything to sit back in my seat. Lol. I told everyone the story of the conversation I had earlier in the day, and all of a sudden I found myself apologizing for being fake. Apologizing for not being truthful with my family. I prayed that night when I got into bed that night that I would wake up with a sense of peace about that entire situation. WELL, let me just tell you, I woke up even better than that. I woke up COMPLETELY fine. I didn't throw up even ONCE that day! ha! It was a flippin miracle! I knew it was God :) He was proud of me for following His direction, and the last day of camp was beyond amazing :) It was such a treat!

So, I know I'll probably get SOME altitude sickness again this year... my body just doesn't do heights like that. Lol. But, now I have some hope that it'll be eased :)

New start.

I reread my post from last night, and I almost didn't recognize myself.

I have this life verse. It's 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. It says "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you who belong in Christ Jesus."

When my dad died, that verse was my lifeline. It got me through the hundreds of hours in the hospital rooms. It got me through signing paper after paper telling doctors that they could perform procedures, when 90 percent of the time, I had NO idea why the procedures were needed. It got me through his final few days, and through his funeral. It got me through the next few days, and the hardest Christmas of my life. It was there for me through all of that, and now, it's like I've forgotten it.

I'm going through this rough patch in my life. I moved out of my mom's house recently. My best friend is thousands of miles away. I can't seem to get this job situation stabilized. And I can't seem to get a grip. Lol.

So, anywho. I was laying in bed last night, thinking this all over, and I feel ashamed of myself. How could I just forget this verse and the meaning behind it? How could I forget that I'm surrounded by people who want nothing but good things for me? I thought about all of these things last night, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't believe I could be so passive with something like that.

It's time for a new start, and a rejuvenated relationship with God. He will be my strength,. He is who I will lean on when I'm sad. He's who I will lean on when I'm scared, and when I feel alone.

:)

Current predicament.

Good evening folks.

I'm laying here in bed, unable to sleep, mind racing with thoughts, and I feel like a fool. I have always been one of those people who could bottle up their emotions, and no one ever really knew how they felt. I did that for a number of reasons, though my main reason was so that I wouldn't burden others with my troubles and my hurt feelings. I've learned over the last year and a half or so of my life that that's an incorrect way to be. The people around you, friends, are the ones who will be there for you, help you through the hardest times, and will stay up late with you when you're sad. I've learned that I have lots of people in my life I can count on. I have lots of people I can turn too. But for whatever reason, the LAST person on my mind when I'm sad is God. And I feel even worse because of that. I KNOW where to turn. I know who will ALWAYS be there for me, no matter what. So why is it so hard to act on this knowledge?

Dang.

Chaos.

Do you ever feel like your life is just chaos? Do you ever feel like you just CAN'T get control of the events happening in and around your life? Do you ever feel alone when you're surrounded by people all the time?

That's how I feel right now.

I'm not looking for a pity party or anything. This blog is just to put feelings out into the world to get them out of my head. Lol. So here it goes.

There's a lot of times lately where I just don't know what to do with myself. There's moments where I miss my dad so much it HURTS. If I try to talk to someone about it, people just come back with "pray about it". And yes, that's a great option, but sometimes I needs something more. Ya know?

If you know me, you know that I'm not a crier. I don't cry over ANYTHING unless it's super important, but lately I've been a mess. And if you know me AT ALL, you know that I'm not the one to complain about this. I'd rather just keep my emotions and any sadness to myself and not burden someone else. Ya know?

I don't know.

That's how I'm feeling.

Over emotional.

Do you ever have those times in your life where you're like... overly emotional? Lol. I feel like I've been in this emotional spiral for weeks now. It's a long story, so here it goes...

I figured out fairly recently that I miss my dad WAY more than I've been admitting. I understand that he's happier where he is now. I know that I'll see him again one day... but that's not a comforting though 100 percent of the time. Lol.

THEN

Matt left. He went to Taiwan on his mission trip, and I am so excited for him! He's doing amazing things already, and is having an AWESOME time. But I miss him. I miss my best friend. Lol. It's stupid, and I feel ESPECIALLY bad, because I feel like I'm being selfish because I miss him. So I don't know. Lol.

THEN

I've been having issues with certain people in my group of friends. No major drama. I just had expectations of people... more specifically, I had expressed to a few peeps how hard it would be for me when Matt left, and I honestly thought they'd be there for me... check in. I don't know. But I feel like it's just not happening. And even though that's disappointing, it's not a huge deal.

BUT ALL OF THIS PUT TOGETHER

Has put me into this funk. I was talking with Lauren and Caitlyn a little while back, and we discovered that I feel abandoned. I feel literally retarded saying that. 22 with abandonment issues? Really? But I think that may just be what it is. Lol. I don't want to blame any one thing in particular. I just feel like it's everything adding up together. Ya know what I mean?? I just feel unhappy. And I hate it.

I don't know.

Meep.

Book.

Day 6. A picture of your favorite book.

My favorite book in the entire world is Catcher In The Rye by JD Salinger. If you haven't read it, please do. :) It's a wonderful story, and an easy read. :) It'll make you laugh.

Love you guys.

Such an impact.

Day 5. One of the most impactful moments in your life.

Well, this was one of my favorite photo-challenge-days thus far. The above pictures were taken in April of 2006. As we all remember, Hurricane Katrina hit the gulf coast in late 2005, and these picture were taken when my team (in the pic) went down to help rebuild houses in Louisiana. It was an amazing trip for SOOO many reasons. First off, it was my first trip away from my parents. It was me, a few of my friends, and a couple of adults going on this trip. I was under the care of people that I didn't really know, but also people I grew to love by the end of the trip. We went to a carnival, and got mildly harassed by carnies. (Remember that Heather?! lol) We had a pet bunny for two days. We learned to cut and lay tile. We learned the correct way to paint walls and clean things. It was a really good week :) Lol. The other picture was taken at a ranch. Two of the people that cam with us had family down there, and we stayed with them for a night :) We got to ride quads, which was a first for me! :) But really... look at that picture... isn't it gorgeous there? I'd go back in a heartbeat. :)The only drawback to the ranch? Fire Ants. Lol. Solution?? Toothpaste! Carry it in your pocket!

This was my first mission trip, and it was my first trip without a parent, and it was my first dose of seeing someone less fortunate than I was. It was a trip that really grew me up as a follower of Jesus and as a person. :)

It was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

One of my favorite memories.

Day 4. A picture of one of your favorite memories.

For Katie's 20th birthday, she and I organized a photo scavenger hunt, and this was our team :)

In other news, life is hectic. Have you ever gotten to the point where you're just mentally tired? Where you almost have a constant headache because of all the things going on in your life? That's where I'm at. I feel pretty dang exhausted. I know everyone goes through times of trouble... this is apparently just mine.

Wednesday.

Day three. The cast of your favorite show.

Let me just say, this is a new development. Lol. I don't really have a FAVORITE show, but I've recently been watching Glee on Netflix, and I just love it. :) I would love to live in a world where people randomly break out into song.

Tuesday.

Day 2. A picture of you and your oldest friend.

The above picture is of me and Bailey June Upton. We have literally been friends since preschool. She is always there for me if I need her, and I'm excited and happy that we're in each other's lives.

Photo Challenge.

Hello friends. My friend challenged me to a 365 day photo challenge, and I decided to take the challenge. :) This simply means that once a day, I will post a photo to this blog site (as well as update my blog :))

Happy Reading!

Day 1. A picture of yourself and 20 random facts.



Random Facts

1. I love Jesus, and my Shadow Hills family.
2. I can sit in Starbucks for hours and think nothing of it, and be fully entertained.
3. My life in the past 6 months is completely different than I ever thought it would be, but I think it's made me stronger, and a better person.
4. I'm very opinionated, but I don't often voice my opinions in fear of offending or upsetting someone.
5. I am sucky at volleyball, but I love it :) It makes my Mondays.
6. I have a mild addiction to the "StumbleUpon" app on my phone.
7. I recently moved out of my parents house, and though it was probably the scariest thing I've ever done, I think it's also been very beneficial in the "growing me up" process.
8. I love blogging, but again, sometimes I don't write what I'm actually thinking in fear of offending or upsetting people.
9. I've seen every Disney movie ever made. If you don't believe me, try me.
10. I don't drink coffee. Ever. Lol.
11. My favorite fruit is pineapple or cantaloupe. And my favorite veggies are raw carrots or peas.
12. I don't really drink hot drinks. Even like, hot chocolate or things like that, I let them cool almost completely.
13. I've been on multiple mission trips, and I'm secretly thinking about searching for another one. (Not a long one lol)
14. I'm moving into a house (in less than 30 days) will 3 AMAZING girls. :) And I'm totally excited.
15. I love to sing. I haven't been singing a whole lot lately, and I can't figure out why.
16. My favorite thing to bake is cinnamon rolls.
17. I miss my dad more than I'd ever admit to anyone out loud. It's been 6 months, and it still feels like it happened yesterday.
18. I'm really good at math.
19. I used to work at Homework Hotline. :)
20. I LOVE texting. If we aren't texting buddies, feel free to change that. 702-677-0153.

So much to say...

And so little time. Lol.

There's a LOT going on in my life. Some good things. Some bad things. As always. Lol.

First for the good things.

My friends are amazing. The girls that I hang around with are just awesome, and the guys in the group just leave me speechless. Lol. If it weren't for these people, I don't know where I'd be.

Ya know what drives me crazy though? I have this person in my life that I used to be really close with. I used to be able to tell this person anything, and now that person isn't around anymore. He's literally disappeared from my life. Before I go on any further, please let me say that this isn't Matthew. Lol. I'm not going on an ex-girlfriend rant. Lol. But this friend of mine... used to be my best friend. He may not have known it... but when you tell someone everything about yourself, and confide secrets and have inside jokes and stories with someone, and then all of a sudden they're gone... it's depressing.

Some people may not think it's a good idea that I wrote the above paragraph, but this is my blog, and that's what I'm thinking about right at this moment.

Do you ever wish you could go back to a moment in time and change something? Like, I know everything happens for a reason... I know that. But, do you ever sometimes wonder, what if? What if you hadn't made that choice, or said that sentence? What if you, instead chose to do the opposite? Where would your life be?

Meep.

I've been missing my dad a lot lately. More than usual I'd say. I don't know what it is, but lately, I've been a LOT more weepy than usual. I miss him... sometimes more than I think I can stand :( Today in particular, I was talking with the three-year-olds at work about their daddy's, and it was EVERYTHING I could do, not to just start crying. :(

Matthew leaves for Japan/Korea in 19 days, and I don't think I'm ready. Lol. Even as I sit here typing this out, it doesn't feel real. I now we are broken up, but he really had become my best friend over the past  year and a half, and to not be able to see him everyday... or to not be able to talk to him whenever I want to is going to be hard :( I'm worried about his safety (though neither country hates americans) I just dont know... It makes me sad to think about...

But I'm also REALLY excited for him! He's going to get to see things, and experienced things that we in the United States have only dreamed of! He's going to get to see cool landmarks and see some awesome sushi. Lol. He's going to have an amazing time witnessing to the people of Asia.  :) :)

I'm always a mix of emotions. (In case you couldn't tell) And these are just a few of the things going on in my thought process. Lol.

Goodnight loved ones!

Again.

I know, you're asking yourrself... "Why is she posting twice in one day?"

My answer is simply, I'm sick. Lol. I woke up Tuesday with a sore throat, and when I woke up today, it was considerably worse, so I went to Quickcare, and I'm sick.

1. Strep Throat
2. Tonsillitis (Which I though was the same thing as strep)
3. a nasal infection
4. a sinus infection

Sounds fun right? lol.

Well, 4 precriptions and way too much money later, I'm home, hanging on my couch and watching tv.

Anyone do anything interesting today?? :)

Decided.

So, as most of you know, I work at the church in the daycare. Well, unfortunately, I'm not getting enough hours there. I literally got 12 hours last month. SO, I am job hunting... again. Lol.

Anyone hiring? Or know of anyone hiring?

Right/Wrong place.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am always in the right place at the right time. I know things, have seen things, have met people, not because of anything else but timing.

Today, I had a moment where I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and I wish I hadn't been there.

I was coming out of my house to drive to Starbucks to see one of my favorite people Mrs. Kitty Kidd. I'm walking to my car, and I hear yelling. This, in and of itself is weird, because our neighborhood is always SUPER quiet. Anyway, so I hear yelling, and of course, I look around to make sure that everything is okay... Well, it wasn't. My neighbors across the street, and down two houses were outside yelling at each other. (Which they've NEVER done) When I realize what's happening, I RAN to my car. I didn't want to know what they were fighting about. I didn't want to be involved in any way. So, those of you who've seen me this week know that my window is having some issues, so of course, even when I'm in my car I still hear the fighting.

Mika yelled that he wanted a divorce and he sped away SO FAST in his car that his tires squealed!

It was terrible and sad. I called Dana Marshall because I was upset about what I'd just witnessed, and she pointed out that I was a witness to one of the biggest moments of their lives, and I wish I hadn't been. :(

I was a child of divorce. Did you know that? My parents divorced when I was 10, and life became chaos. The reasons behind the divorce aren't important anymore, but it makes me sad to think that the kids in that house might face what I had to face. I really hope they don't.

In other, and yes, much happier news, I am down a grand total of 10 lbs since I rededicated this blog. :) I am pretty darn excited about it, and I was even told by someone that they could see a little weight loss :) Let me just tell you, that's the best motivation there is. To hear someone say that all of the effort you've been putting in has FINALLY been paying off... Well, that's just the bees knees. :)

Let's see, what else is happening... OH! I am a happy girl, once again. My favorite girls, the key seesters, Lauren Poulin, and Katie Shura are finally ALL back in town and reunited once again, and I am pleased. :) Lol. It was weird not having any of them around for a few days there. Lol. Like, I was literally at a loss. lol.

That's about it on the life-update front.

Until next time :)

My bad.

I haven't posted in a few days... Sorry :) Lol.

Tonight is the season finale of Grey's Anatomy, which is my favorite show. :) I'm not sure how it's going to go, but I'm hoping they can top last seasons shooting... we shall see.

In other news, I've decided that Ive been pushing things in my life a little harder than I need to. I have this idea of what my life should be like, and I feel like I've been working really hard to get it together, but I feel like some people don't like it. It's frustrating, because I feel like I'm getting to a good place in my life, and I feel like I'm getting shut down... I don't know...

I dont really feel like going on a rant lol. I just feel like this is my "safe place" to be able to say what I want, when I want and not face judgements.

Until next time...

Official.

Do you ever have those times in your life when your heard is just swimming, because you have SO much on your mind? I'm currently at one of those points in my life. I feel like I'm constantly thinking about SO much, and there's just SO much that I want to do, that there's just no way to get it all done...

So, that's where I'm at. Lol.

I did do something though, that I've wanted to do for a while. I cut my hair.

I really enjoyed my long hair. I got lots of compliments on it, and who doesn't love that right?? But I cut it anyway. I love it long, but I also love the little cutesy ponytail that you get when it's short.

So, that's where I'm at.

Scripture memory. Is anyone really good at scripture memory? If you are, do you have any tips for those of us that have junky memories? lol. I really want to be one of those Christians (whom I've admired since childhood) that can pull JUST the right scripture out of their head at JUST the right time! That's one of my new goals in life. Obviously, I may never be a superstar at that, but I feel like memorizing a few key scriptures would be a good thing. Opinions? Helpful tips?

Tonight we're playing volleyball at butterfly park, and this weekly event has become one of my favorite things in life. Lol. I know that probably sounds weird. But I really enjoy the game, the physical activity (you hardly know it, but your legs ARE getting a bit of a workout) and the fellowship with my peeps. :)

That's where my life's at.

Re-dedication

Here it is ladies and gentlemen. My re-dedication.

My life lately has been crazy, and there are LOTS of things going on, and I'm here to report on them.

First off. This re-dedication.
I've been feeling lately a lack of luster in my life. Things are fine, but that's all they've been. "Fine". But I'm not at the point in my life where settling for "fine" is okay. I want bigger and brighter things in my life. I want a relationship with Jesus that makes others ask questions. I want fellowship with my friends that God would be proud of. I want to better myself as a person, both emotionally and physically.

Most of you know by now that I am single again. Matthew and I decided to break up last week, and honestly, I think it's the best thing we could've done. Don't get me wrong. I still love him. There's no way to get over that overnight. BUT I'm getting there. We decided early on that we would remain friends. We are going to work overtime to make sure there's no awkwardness and no bitterness from either side, and I'm honestly, really excited to see what God has in store for us, both together as friends and as individual people.

So, let me put this official statement out there. Yes, we are broken up. No, I don't hate him. Yes, we are still friendly. No, neither one of us is leaving the college group. Yes, you can ask one of us if you want further details. But no, we'd rather not be gossiped about.

Now for the re-dedication. I want to revamp my life into something better. I want a life Jesus would be proud of. I want to have daily quiet times. And yes, I know this sounds simple, but honestly, I make excuses not to do it just like everyone else. I want to get more involved at church. I talked to Damian about one way I could do that, and I'm waiting for advice about that. I also want to have more meaningful fellowship time with my peeps.

I'm really good at being social. :) I love to organize events. I love to chat with everyone, catch up on their week, ask how their families are and that's about it. I don't get deeply involved except for a select few, and I feel like it's time to change that. So, be ready loved ones. I'm going to be asking you the tough questions. Have you had 7 quiet times this week? Do you talk to God on regular basis? Or do you only ask him for favors when you need something? Think it over :)

Re-dedication Part 2. I'm large. I know this sounds weird, but I need to be blunt with myself, or it'll never change. Yes, I know that God loves me JUST the way I am. But I also feel like the bible tells us to tak care of our bodies because God did GIVE them to us while we're on this earth, and honestly, I'm not doing too great of a job taking care of mine. Ya know? So this is the re-dedication part. I'm not going to say I'm going to work out every single day or that I'm never going to drink another soda or eat another french fry. I know myself better than that. BUT what I will say is that I'm going to try a heck of a lot harder than I've been trying.

And I am asking for your help dear friends. I would like to ask you, yes all seven hundred (+) of you, to help me. I would like you to keep me accountable. Ask me how I'm doing, and don't just settle for "okay". Ask what I've been eating, and encourage me to keep on the healthier stuff.

So, will you help me?

I hope so.

Crazy Love

The Book: Crazy Love written by Francis Chan copywrite 2008

Tonight I sat at Starbucks and finished chapter 2 of this book. The first chapter was entitled "stop praying", and the second was entitled "you might not finish this chapter".

This book is really throwing me for a loop. The first chapter explains how marvelous and miraculous God really is. Something Francis says in the book is that God has always been. It confused me, and I don't really know why. I've heard it before. He's always been there. There's never ever been a moment when He wasn't around. It's simple to say, but for me, for some reason, it's hard to comprehend.

Then the second chapter talked about how we live our lives. Do you live your life for God? You might say yes. That's great, because the entire 2nd chapter is about how we could die at any moment. Will you be going to Heaven when you die? And do you know that for sure? If you were to die tomorrow, what would people say about you at your funeral? Would they say you were a man or a woman of God? Would they come to the funeral because they loved you, and they're happily celebrating your journey to be with Jesus? Or would they be there out of obligation to other friends and family? Would they know the real you? Or do they know the you that you pretend to be?

Think it over.

I love you.

Until next time.

Changes?

Do you ever have moments in life where everything is going pretty dang well, and you have a completely positive outlook on life?

I'm having that right now :)

I have good people in my life, and a Savior who loves me. What else do I need?

Nothing. :)

I was having a reflective moment the other day. I was driving home from Green Valley, and having an out-loud conversation with Jesus. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't pray out loud... I generally stay pretty quiet in that department, but for some reason, the urge just hit me. (I probably looked like a crazy person talking to myself lol ) Anyhow. I was having a Jesus-chat, and came to some minor revelations. I need to start working on memorizing verses. Seriously, I'm presented with lots of situations, where my advice is sound, but I would LOVE to have a verse or two to reference. Secondly, I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect and please everyone. This has to stop. Lol. I am a stress-a-holic. I just soak it up until one day I just can't take it anymore, and I get grumpy (or chicken pox lol).

Those are my minor life changes that have already started to work in my life.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Until next time.

I love you.

OH. P.s. I got a gym membership at 24hr fitness, and used it for the first time today. I am in pain, but it's totally worth it. Lol. :)

My life as of today.

Life is sometimes complicated.

I interviewed to work full-time at the daycare at church. I interviewed on Thursday, so hopefully I hear something soon. It would be a nice job. Full-time plus benefits, and it'll work with me going to school in the fall.

Have I mentioned that on here? That's right, I haven't. Well, sound the horns and be excited, I'm going to school in the fall. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I feel like I've forgotten how to be in school because I've been in the working world so long. Hopefully it'll go better than I'm imagining. Lol. I still haven't decided what I want to do with my life, but I'm also in no super-rush to find out either. It'll sort itself out when the time's right.

I went to a wedding today. My friend Taylor Lynne (Baker) got married to Kyle Baker at Canyon Gate Country Club this morning, and it was wonderful. The ceremony was beautiful, the dress was fabulous, and Kyle is the perfect man for her. :) I can't lie though. I probably should've left before I actually did. I ended up staying longer than I'd planned, and unfortunately I saw the father/daughter dance. It was a LOT harder to watch than I expected. It depresses me, even now hours later, to think that one day when I get married... I won't have that. I know there are other men in my life I could dance with in place of my dad... but it's not the same, ya know? It'll be alright though :) I'm not too worried at this point. It's sometime in the future, so it's not worth worrying about now. :)

I have 2 new friends :) Well, they aren't actually new, but they've become 2 of my favorite girls in the entire world, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Courtney and Caitlyn Key. These two are awesome. They listen to my sob stories, and make me DIE LAUGHING at some of their antics. I don't know what I'd do without them. :)

Until next time.

I love you.

Thoughtful.

My life is nuts. Here's what's going on...

1. I got my dad's death certificates in the mail today, and it has me thrown for a loop. It feels more... real than it did before, and I hate it. Lol. He wouldn't want me to be sad, yadda yadda, but it's hard sometimes. Nicholas (my brother) and I have a meeting with the HR department from my dad's work to discuss his life insurance stuff and his retirement fund. Another depressing thing... eek.

Moving on.

2. I am between jobs. I left Imagine (the charter school) to work as nanny for a very close friend of mine. I started the nanny job, and for a number of different reasons, it didn't work out. So, I went back to the school (thinking, I had only missed 2 days... maybe they'll take me back)... turned out as a "nope". So, I am again jobless. I am currently working a temp job at my mom's office. They (though not her specifically) are WAAAY behind in some filing stuff, and I'm helping catch them up. Unfortunately, this is a temporary job, so hopefully I find something else soon.

Anyone know of anything?

3. I love Matthew. He's been soo amazing since we started dating, but especially since my dad got sick in August. :) I won't embarrass him further, but he's a great guy :)

4. I feel like, with the exception of Matthew, that I have no stability in my life any more. Long story.

Will things ever get easier?

I love you.

Re-committed.

So, with this new year we just started, I've re-committed to losing weight. I started slacking there near the end of the year. I can try to blame it on the holidays or my dad's issues... but really it's my own fault. It was just plain... easier to eat fast food.

But that's changing. I'm not cutting things out completely. That's not the answer. Matt and I made a choice to eat out once a week, and the rest of the week, eat at home. It's already making a difference. I lost 30 lbs or so last year (well, since camp) and it's going to only get better from there.

So this blog won't just be about weight loss. It won't just be about my dad, or about any one thing in particular. It'll just be... a life blog. :)

I love you.

Grieving.

I've been getting a lot of flack lately for not outwardly grieving for my dad. Here's the thing... I'm okay.


Yes, I'm sad. Very, in fact. I miss him more than anything I've ever missed before, and the hole I feel sometimes aches so much, that it feel likes a real hole. I loved my dad more than anyone in the world (besides Jesus and Matthew). He was my best friend. He was the most caring, sweet, bright and supportive father there'll ever be. I can't describe the feeling I have when something reminds me of him. It's the worst thing in the world sometimes... but sometimes it makes me smile. Sometimes I laugh at salt shakers, because he used more salt than most of Las Vegas combined. I've been watching all of his favorite movies, because that's what we bonded over. But sometimes, if I see someone with a grey beard and mustache, or someone in a Northwest Girls Softball t-shirt, I want to cry.

I'm not an outwardly emotional person. I am a bottle-it-up, only let it out once in a while, kind of person. I don't  know why. That's just how I've always been. It's not easily going to change. But receiving messages and calls criticizing my way of grieving is making things worse.

What I need is for people to treat me normally. What I need is for people to simply ask, "how are you doing?" and leave it at that. I need to start trying to have a normal life, and I NEED people to help me.

It may sound rude, but please don't criticize.

I love you.