Well, reader, I got a message on Facebook late last night saying and I quote "keep the depressing sad s*** about your dad off of Facebook".
Okay, whoa partner. When I first read it, I was in shock. It came from someone I know, and someone I thought would've been supportive during this particular month. I am not an emotional person. Everyone knows that. But in the rare and random moments I post about needing prayer, I expect support. Unfortunately, this time around, that didn't happen.
I just feel... wrecked. December is the month I hate the most ANYWAY, because of my dad, but it also the busiest month at my work. The hours are long, and the kids are wild. And I am unbelievably thankful for a job, but I'm just tired. I wake up in the middle of the night, every single night, because my teeth and gums are throbbing with pain. I still feel a fairly deep disconnect from so many people in my life, and I just don't seem to be able to fix it.
Pardon my whining. Lol
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
A disconnect
Do you ever have certain points in your life timeline where you lol around and feel completely disconnected?
I'm going through this... I don't know, stage? I feel like, so many things are happening and so many things are changing, that instead of trying to balance everything, I've just shut down. I've just physically and emotionally disconnected myself from SO many things lately. It's crazy.
Im not sure I'm even explaining myself very well. Haha.
Okay. For example. My college group at my church. We are a group of amazing 18-25 year old people who love Jesus. Okay. There are some awesome people in my group, there's no doubting that, but lately, there's been this ever-growing feeling of disconnect. I'm at the point where I feel like there are very few people I can actually talk to there. I'm at the point where most times I don't even want to BE there. And you know the worst part? Sometimes I'll find myself at the end of a LOGOS night, and when everyone gets up and chit chats, I just stand there. I feel like no one cares about me, because no one really ever comes over and talks to me. And I don't want this to sound like I'm exaggerating, because I'm not. It literally happens every single Tuesday and Sunday.
I realize this is probably very out of the blue for you as my reader. I generally have a pretty easy life going. But lately. I don't know. I just feel like nobody cares.
I'm going through this... I don't know, stage? I feel like, so many things are happening and so many things are changing, that instead of trying to balance everything, I've just shut down. I've just physically and emotionally disconnected myself from SO many things lately. It's crazy.
Im not sure I'm even explaining myself very well. Haha.
Okay. For example. My college group at my church. We are a group of amazing 18-25 year old people who love Jesus. Okay. There are some awesome people in my group, there's no doubting that, but lately, there's been this ever-growing feeling of disconnect. I'm at the point where I feel like there are very few people I can actually talk to there. I'm at the point where most times I don't even want to BE there. And you know the worst part? Sometimes I'll find myself at the end of a LOGOS night, and when everyone gets up and chit chats, I just stand there. I feel like no one cares about me, because no one really ever comes over and talks to me. And I don't want this to sound like I'm exaggerating, because I'm not. It literally happens every single Tuesday and Sunday.
I realize this is probably very out of the blue for you as my reader. I generally have a pretty easy life going. But lately. I don't know. I just feel like nobody cares.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I hate talking about feelings
If you've ever read my blog, or my Facebook or even my twitter, you know that I don't like talking about my feelings. Talking through them makes me unbearably uncomfortable and it lets people into my little private world.
All of that being said, this is going to be one of those rare blog posts where I divulge personal thoughts, and as uncomfortable as it's making me, I feel it must be done.
I used to love the holidays. I used to love the music and the food and the general overall "happy spirit" everyone gets between Halloween and New Years. Now a days, I just hate it. I feel like I lost my holiday spirit when my dad died. He was the one who wanted to drive around for hours and look at lights. He was the one who loved all the food, the turkey and mashed potatoes and everything else. He's the one who would watch the same Christmas movies over and over. And he was the one who would play marathon game of monopoly to ring in the new year. He was my best friend, my constant.
All of this being said, I know I have people who love me in my life right now. I know I still have my mom and my other family. I know I still have my church. I know all of these things. AND I know that three days before he died, my dad decided to love Jesus, so ONE DAY I will get to see and talk to him again. I know all of these things.
But when I sit alone in my little apartment, or when I'm driving in my car, or really anywhere, I miss him. I miss him all day, every single day. I've tried to fill that void with other things, which, of course, turn out badly. I've done everything I've ever been advised to do to make myself feel better, and still, here I am. Surrounded by people, and lonelier than I've ever been.
All of that being said, this is going to be one of those rare blog posts where I divulge personal thoughts, and as uncomfortable as it's making me, I feel it must be done.
I used to love the holidays. I used to love the music and the food and the general overall "happy spirit" everyone gets between Halloween and New Years. Now a days, I just hate it. I feel like I lost my holiday spirit when my dad died. He was the one who wanted to drive around for hours and look at lights. He was the one who loved all the food, the turkey and mashed potatoes and everything else. He's the one who would watch the same Christmas movies over and over. And he was the one who would play marathon game of monopoly to ring in the new year. He was my best friend, my constant.
All of this being said, I know I have people who love me in my life right now. I know I still have my mom and my other family. I know I still have my church. I know all of these things. AND I know that three days before he died, my dad decided to love Jesus, so ONE DAY I will get to see and talk to him again. I know all of these things.
But when I sit alone in my little apartment, or when I'm driving in my car, or really anywhere, I miss him. I miss him all day, every single day. I've tried to fill that void with other things, which, of course, turn out badly. I've done everything I've ever been advised to do to make myself feel better, and still, here I am. Surrounded by people, and lonelier than I've ever been.
Monday, November 5, 2012
My one political post
Good afternoon.
I don't often write about controversial issues, because while I believe my beliefs are correct, I don't like to start fights. But tomorrow is November sixth, Election Day, and it's a heated and very serious topic of discussion amongst my friends, family and coworkers.
I voted for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan for two specific reasons (though there are many to debate about).
Number one. President Obama had all these visions and promises of "hope and change", and while I admire his drive, over the past four years, our country has gone downhill in everything. We are trillions of dollars in the hole. Our test scores, and funding for our education system is pathetic. Our unemployment numbers are reprehensible. And we have record numbers of people on public assistance. Yes, Mr. President, you did bring change, but not good change.
Number two. Mitt Romney has some good plans. He has legitimate plans to help create jobs and cut spending. Real, plausible, plans, that when out into action, could put our country on the track towards what it once was. He has a good moral and business background, and to find a candidate like that now a days is rare. A lot of people criticize Mr. Romney for being Mormon. In elementary school, we were taught that the early settlers came to this country in search of religious freedom. I may not agree with 100% of Mr. Romney's beliefs, but who am I to judge him? He and I stand on the same side on a lot of important issues, and that's what matters.
Tomorrow is an important day.
Go out and vote.
Make your voice heard, and make it count.
I don't often write about controversial issues, because while I believe my beliefs are correct, I don't like to start fights. But tomorrow is November sixth, Election Day, and it's a heated and very serious topic of discussion amongst my friends, family and coworkers.
I voted for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan for two specific reasons (though there are many to debate about).
Number one. President Obama had all these visions and promises of "hope and change", and while I admire his drive, over the past four years, our country has gone downhill in everything. We are trillions of dollars in the hole. Our test scores, and funding for our education system is pathetic. Our unemployment numbers are reprehensible. And we have record numbers of people on public assistance. Yes, Mr. President, you did bring change, but not good change.
Number two. Mitt Romney has some good plans. He has legitimate plans to help create jobs and cut spending. Real, plausible, plans, that when out into action, could put our country on the track towards what it once was. He has a good moral and business background, and to find a candidate like that now a days is rare. A lot of people criticize Mr. Romney for being Mormon. In elementary school, we were taught that the early settlers came to this country in search of religious freedom. I may not agree with 100% of Mr. Romney's beliefs, but who am I to judge him? He and I stand on the same side on a lot of important issues, and that's what matters.
Tomorrow is an important day.
Go out and vote.
Make your voice heard, and make it count.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
This has been quite a month
I haven't blogged in a month, because it's been one of the craziest months of my life.
My last post was all about my impending surgery, and I'm happy to say that it went well!! I've had a few procedures now actually, and it's progressing nicely. I'm about halfway through my teeth-adventure, and Dr. Isom promises that I'll be able to eat at Thanksgiving. Haha.
Let's see... what else has been going on...Well, I've been getting a few more hours at work, which is nice. I love livingg on my own, but unfortunately the bills just seem like a never ending vaccuum. :( It's lame.
My love life has gotten interesting. I've gone on a few dates, with a couple of different guys, and it's been interesting to say the least. Dinner... Movies... Sunsets... The whole nine yards, and so far, no fireworks. Nothing really special happening, but that doesn't mean there isn't something interesting happening right around the corner. I went through this really lame phase last year where I was looking for someone, and I mean L-O-O-K-I-N-G. And honestly, after some of the dates and conversations I've had in the past couple of weeks, I think it's time to just enjoy life. I genuinely HAVENT been looking, and some interesting guys have been entering my life. There was R who liked to "share" his girlfriends... And then there was the guy who just didn't love Jesus.
It's exhausting, exciting, annoying and fun all at the same time.
Life of a twenty-something.
My last post was all about my impending surgery, and I'm happy to say that it went well!! I've had a few procedures now actually, and it's progressing nicely. I'm about halfway through my teeth-adventure, and Dr. Isom promises that I'll be able to eat at Thanksgiving. Haha.
Let's see... what else has been going on...Well, I've been getting a few more hours at work, which is nice. I love livingg on my own, but unfortunately the bills just seem like a never ending vaccuum. :( It's lame.
My love life has gotten interesting. I've gone on a few dates, with a couple of different guys, and it's been interesting to say the least. Dinner... Movies... Sunsets... The whole nine yards, and so far, no fireworks. Nothing really special happening, but that doesn't mean there isn't something interesting happening right around the corner. I went through this really lame phase last year where I was looking for someone, and I mean L-O-O-K-I-N-G. And honestly, after some of the dates and conversations I've had in the past couple of weeks, I think it's time to just enjoy life. I genuinely HAVENT been looking, and some interesting guys have been entering my life. There was R who liked to "share" his girlfriends... And then there was the guy who just didn't love Jesus.
It's exhausting, exciting, annoying and fun all at the same time.
Life of a twenty-something.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
My surgery tomorrow
I've been thinking and thinking about how I was going to tell the world about my latest life adventure. I've decided that my blog would be the best Plac to depress the details and emotions :)For the past month or so, I've been going to the dentist. We have been taking X-rays, and putting together a treatment plan for my mouth full of problems. Tomorrow (Friday) I am beginning these treatment plans and I'm scared. Tonight I have to take a heavy dose of Valium prescribe by my doctor, and in the morning I have to take a different set of pills (triazolam). These pills will apparently leave me conscious, able to walk around, but I've been told it will put me into a "drunken" state. I'm not allowed to drive, or even be alone at my apartment afterwards. The plus side is that I'm supposed to wake up Saturday morning with almost no memory of the procedures. I'm obviously afraid of the actual procedure and the pain to follow, but I'm also really freaked out about A. Not being in control of my faculties and B. waking up and having a chunk of time completely missing from my memory. So, tomorrow starts this whole process, and even as I'm sitting here typing this, I'm having a mild panic attack. I'm scars of SO many things. The pain, the drugs, the inevitable comments and looks I'm going to get from everyone once this is done, and most of all, what I'm going to think of the finished product. I've had screwed up teeth for literally as long as I can remember. I have pictures of myself at like 12-13 with a great smile, but I don't remember what it feels like. I was thinking about this the other day, and I came to the realization that about 95% of the people in my life right now have. Ever seen me with a regular smile. Wish me luck for tomorrow. This is a MAJOR experience in my life. I'd appreciate any texts, messages or comments to help me get through the next few days!!! If I don't respond, it's because I'm still drugged hahaThanks for the prayers peeps
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
A new chapter
I'm sure it comes as no great shock when I tell you that the number one New Year's resolution in America is to lose weight. Our country is diet-obsessed, but unfortunately there are so many contradictory opinions on what is and isn't healthy, that people are confused.
I didn't work today, and it left me quite a bit of time to read and to think.
I've decided to make a very radical change in what I'm doing with my life. Last summer I went on a crazy health kick. I gave up basically everything I loved eating and drinking, and in return lost a bunch of weight. That's great. But I've started back to my old ways. I eat out all the time. I don't go to the gym at all. I drink soda in excess amounts, and all of this combined makes me think of one word... Disgusting.
I have never been one of those people who's overly self conscious. I feel like I actually had a better self image that maybe I should have! But here I am at twenty three, and while I'm not the most unhealthy I've ever been, I'm not healthy by any stretch of the imagination.
So, I have set up rules for myself. Simple rules, that if followed, will will bring me into a new healthier lifestyle, and likewise make me drop weight.
I am both nervous and excited for this new adventure. I have prayed about this extensively. I haven't actually talked it over with anyone yet, but I know a few people who are more than qualified to help me, and who I'm sure will gladly lend a hand.
If you're one of these people and want to help with advice, recipes, encouragement, etc, text me or Fb message me.
Thanks in advance friends!!
Grace be with you.
I didn't work today, and it left me quite a bit of time to read and to think.
I've decided to make a very radical change in what I'm doing with my life. Last summer I went on a crazy health kick. I gave up basically everything I loved eating and drinking, and in return lost a bunch of weight. That's great. But I've started back to my old ways. I eat out all the time. I don't go to the gym at all. I drink soda in excess amounts, and all of this combined makes me think of one word... Disgusting.
I have never been one of those people who's overly self conscious. I feel like I actually had a better self image that maybe I should have! But here I am at twenty three, and while I'm not the most unhealthy I've ever been, I'm not healthy by any stretch of the imagination.
So, I have set up rules for myself. Simple rules, that if followed, will will bring me into a new healthier lifestyle, and likewise make me drop weight.
I am both nervous and excited for this new adventure. I have prayed about this extensively. I haven't actually talked it over with anyone yet, but I know a few people who are more than qualified to help me, and who I'm sure will gladly lend a hand.
If you're one of these people and want to help with advice, recipes, encouragement, etc, text me or Fb message me.
Thanks in advance friends!!
Grace be with you.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The little things
Today I read a quote that simply said...
"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."
And it hit me hard. I am the type of person who is always trying to go, go, go, and rarely takes time to stop or slow down. I am a planner who wants everything a certain way, and I am easily stressed out when things don't work out the way I expect them to. I'm sure a lot of you feel the same way.
This isn't a long blog post today. Just a simple reminder to "stop and smell the roses" as my grandma Max used to say. Enjoy the little God-given moments that make life sweet, because as time slips by, life only gets harder. It only gets busier.
And lastly, if you choose to maximize each and every enjoyable experience in life, when those rough and tough moments roll through, you'll have some very happy memories to help get you through. They'll be there as an awesome reminder that there's light at the end of the tunnel :)
Have a happy Tuesday.
Grace be with you.
"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."
And it hit me hard. I am the type of person who is always trying to go, go, go, and rarely takes time to stop or slow down. I am a planner who wants everything a certain way, and I am easily stressed out when things don't work out the way I expect them to. I'm sure a lot of you feel the same way.
This isn't a long blog post today. Just a simple reminder to "stop and smell the roses" as my grandma Max used to say. Enjoy the little God-given moments that make life sweet, because as time slips by, life only gets harder. It only gets busier.
And lastly, if you choose to maximize each and every enjoyable experience in life, when those rough and tough moments roll through, you'll have some very happy memories to help get you through. They'll be there as an awesome reminder that there's light at the end of the tunnel :)
Have a happy Tuesday.
Grace be with you.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
To be or not to be?
I've been thinking a lot about my blog lately. I haven't written since the beginning of August, because I decided to reevaluate what I wanted to write about and where I wanted this to go.
I enjoy writing immensely. I think about blog topics ALL the time. I'm always on the lookout for something new and fun to write about, and it's definitely a challenge to keep things interesting. The very last thing I'd want to do is start producing a blog that's stale.
Which brings me to my month-long hiatus.
As I said, I thoroughly enjoy writing. I have moments where I wish I could just do it all the time, and there are moments where (if I'm being honest) it's a complete burden. Haha. But here we are, dear reader, at this crossroads. I have been thinking long and hard about whether or not to keep writing, and if so, what to write about.
Well, after talking to some of you, my sweet and awesome readers, I've decided to keep writing. I enjoy it, and I especially enjoy providing a few minutes worth of reading to help brighten your day.
Thanks for all of your support through this time of questions and self-evaluation.
Love you guys.
I enjoy writing immensely. I think about blog topics ALL the time. I'm always on the lookout for something new and fun to write about, and it's definitely a challenge to keep things interesting. The very last thing I'd want to do is start producing a blog that's stale.
Which brings me to my month-long hiatus.
As I said, I thoroughly enjoy writing. I have moments where I wish I could just do it all the time, and there are moments where (if I'm being honest) it's a complete burden. Haha. But here we are, dear reader, at this crossroads. I have been thinking long and hard about whether or not to keep writing, and if so, what to write about.
Well, after talking to some of you, my sweet and awesome readers, I've decided to keep writing. I enjoy it, and I especially enjoy providing a few minutes worth of reading to help brighten your day.
Thanks for all of your support through this time of questions and self-evaluation.
Love you guys.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
That moment
There's that moment... That almost indescribable moment when I'm in my little apartment, all alone, wondering what my future holds and worrying about the things I know are coming. There's that moment when I start to scare myself into thinking that it's more than I can handle. There's that moment when I feel completely alone in the world. I know I have people who love and care about me. But I'm talking about that moment when I feel... Hopeless.
I've been feeling this way more and more in recent months, and I can all but FEEL it eating away at me from the inside. Transitioning from a young adult into a regular adult has been harder for me than I'd expected. Or, now that I'm thinking about it, not harder, just different than I'd expected. I grew up watching tv shows like Friends where people seemed to tradition into this adult world with ease. No major problems ever fell into their lives, or at least nothing so major that it couldn't be solved in half an hour. And for whatever reason, I expected my life at this point to have some sort of balance. I thought I'd have some sort of routine, some sort of security.
I don't have a horrible life. I have a mom and brother who love me. I'm part of a church that's growing exponentially. I have a job I love. And I have a God who, thankfully, chose to show me grace and love.
I have a good life.
But for whatever reason, sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes, there's that moment where I start to feel sorry for myself, or start to feel like I'm a disappointment. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure because I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I don't feel like anything I do or say is the right thing.
There are days like today where someone in my life pulls me aside and basically tells me that everything I've been doing lately was one lie after another. There are days like today where I get told that I've been getting lied to for months, and now my world is crumbling around me, because people in my life aren't who I thought they were.
And there are days like today where I've had a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad" day, and I come home to my little apartment. I put on a movie. I start some laundry. I talk to Jesus, and I clean.
My day started out lousy.
Then I had that moment where I realized that Jesus' got me, and that I have nothing to worry about.
That's how Jesus helped me today.
How did He help you??
I've been feeling this way more and more in recent months, and I can all but FEEL it eating away at me from the inside. Transitioning from a young adult into a regular adult has been harder for me than I'd expected. Or, now that I'm thinking about it, not harder, just different than I'd expected. I grew up watching tv shows like Friends where people seemed to tradition into this adult world with ease. No major problems ever fell into their lives, or at least nothing so major that it couldn't be solved in half an hour. And for whatever reason, I expected my life at this point to have some sort of balance. I thought I'd have some sort of routine, some sort of security.
I don't have a horrible life. I have a mom and brother who love me. I'm part of a church that's growing exponentially. I have a job I love. And I have a God who, thankfully, chose to show me grace and love.
I have a good life.
But for whatever reason, sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes, there's that moment where I start to feel sorry for myself, or start to feel like I'm a disappointment. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure because I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I don't feel like anything I do or say is the right thing.
There are days like today where someone in my life pulls me aside and basically tells me that everything I've been doing lately was one lie after another. There are days like today where I get told that I've been getting lied to for months, and now my world is crumbling around me, because people in my life aren't who I thought they were.
And there are days like today where I've had a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad" day, and I come home to my little apartment. I put on a movie. I start some laundry. I talk to Jesus, and I clean.
My day started out lousy.
Then I had that moment where I realized that Jesus' got me, and that I have nothing to worry about.
That's how Jesus helped me today.
How did He help you??
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Abandon
This is going to be one of those blogs where you, as my lovely readers, get another look into my lovely twisted world. I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying and living lately, and from it, I've drawn a few conclusions.
When I was a little kid, I thought I had the perfect family. I had two parents who, to the outside world, seemed perfect for each other. I had one older brother, Nicholas who was old enough to have his own friends and hobbies, but we had our secret bonding moments. And I had a grandma who lived with us who was my favorite person in the world. When I was 10, two days before Halloween, my grandma went home to be with Jesus. I smile while I type that, because she was the sweetest, and the sassiest lady you'd ever know. Haha. She shaped a lot of who I turned into today, and she loved Jesus. But because she was so important in my life, when she died, I was heartbroken. I didn't understand that I could see her again one day.
Less than a year later, my parents were divorcing. My dad had found someone that he loved more than my mom, and that left my mom and I to fend for ourselves for the first time ever. We managed to get it together, but for a long time I didn't like my dad. I didn't want to be around him. I didn't even want to see him, because I just couldn't understand how someone could do that to their family after all the time and memories we'd had. My brother went off to school in Arizona, and I felt even more alone.
My mom ended up putting me into therapy. I didn't really enjoy going. I would play monopoly, and the therapist would ask me probing questions. Then there was that day where the big revelation happened. There always is one when you go to the type of therapist I did I guess. We figured out that I was scared that my mom would leave me. THAT was why I was letting my grades suffer, and my attitude to become snotty. I got some reassurance once we figured out what the problem was, and I felt better.
Years went by.
My mom met a man named Dick, whom she liked very much, and eventually decided to marry. Without going into a long, sorted story, he caused some initial friction for me. He wasn't my favorite to put it lightly. Anyway, I moved in with my dad and Kathleen hoping that would repair the now-strained relationship with my mom. It didn't right away, and I began to feel like she chose Dick over me. It wasn't the most logical decision, but that's what I thought when I was 16. (Things have vastly improved, but that's not relevant for this post)
Fast forward a few years. My dad's girlfriend, Kathleen, began to tell me things like "I thought I was done raising kids", and complaining to my dad about my lack of curfew or my choice in friends. Looking back, she was 100% correct, but when I was 17, 18, 19, 20... I didn't think that way. I thought she was just hassling me. Then, one night, my dad came into my room, shut the door, and kneeled to that his forearms were on the bed, almost like a prayer pose. He told me that Kathleen thought it would be best if I moved back over to my mom's. She had decided that she was done raising kids when my 3 step-sisters had all moved out years before. I cried for days.
I finally got it together enough to move over to my mom's house. It was better over there, but not the ideal set up for me.Then, as most of my readers know, my dad got sick, and to make a long story short, went home to be with Jesus. He had become my very best friend, and it was an unbelievable blow to my life. I had honestly never thought of what my life would be like without him. You know what I mean? It's not what someone who's 21 thinks about. His absence in my day to day life was like a slap in the face. After that, things improved at home. It was strange, but because Dick's dad had died, there was almost this...kinship. It was strange, but in a weird way, it was comforting. I've never told him that. Maybe someday I will. Haha. Anywho. Another year goes by. My mom takes me to breakfast one day, at Denny's, and in the nicest way possible (and I mean that) tells me that she and Dick though it would be better if I found somewhere else to live. I was old enough to know that me living there caused strain, but in the moment she told me, it was like a slap in the face. It felt like she was choosing him all over again.
So, I moved in with Lauren, a girl in my bible study group at my church, and one of my really good friends. I loved it.
Then Matthew, the man I'd been dating for over a year left on a mission trip to Taiwan. We had broken up like 2 months before he left, but being a typical girl, I was holding out hope that we'd have a "movie moment", and realize we were perfect for each other. This is where the point of this entire blog comes together, folks. I had a major revelation that I have abandonment issues. It's something that I've been thinking about for a while, but after tons of thought and countless minutes of prayer, I've decided it's the truth. Everyone had their stories, and I know that people come and go, but I tend to focus on the negative, and lately I've been focusing on how many people have "left" me in my life.
Yesterday, Matthew and I had a big-time conversation about "us". We aren't together, but a LOT of people have been asking if we are going to get back together, so we figured we should see where the other person was, and decide. We both are in the same place. Friends. Good friends, but just friends. And while that makes me a little bit sad, but if I'm being honest, I feel a definite peace about it. I KNOW it's the right decision.
How does this relate to my blog entry tonight, you ask?
Well, my stupid human heart is convincing my brain that "it's happening again". Someone else is leaving my life, never to return. It sort of makes me laugh, because it's almost like I can feel it happening inside of me. What my weak little human heart doesn't know is that my faith in God has never, and I mean NEVER been stronger than it is right now.
So, bring it on. Bring on the confusion, the longing, the feelings of abandonment, and the sadness, because I have a God that can get me through anything. There's that old saying, "God will never give you anything that you can't handle"... Well, I don't believe that's true. I believe He's going to give you PLENTY that you can't handle... But it's your job, dear reader, to cling to Him, stay in His word, stay connected to fellow believers, and that, friends, is what'll get you through the crap of life.So, tonight, sitting in this Starbucks, I feel at peace, because I have a God who can do anything. I have a God who never abandons ANYONE, ever. And I have a God, that when the stupid devil is trying to weasle his way into my weak heart, says "COME AT ME BRO."
Grace be with you.
When I was a little kid, I thought I had the perfect family. I had two parents who, to the outside world, seemed perfect for each other. I had one older brother, Nicholas who was old enough to have his own friends and hobbies, but we had our secret bonding moments. And I had a grandma who lived with us who was my favorite person in the world. When I was 10, two days before Halloween, my grandma went home to be with Jesus. I smile while I type that, because she was the sweetest, and the sassiest lady you'd ever know. Haha. She shaped a lot of who I turned into today, and she loved Jesus. But because she was so important in my life, when she died, I was heartbroken. I didn't understand that I could see her again one day.
Less than a year later, my parents were divorcing. My dad had found someone that he loved more than my mom, and that left my mom and I to fend for ourselves for the first time ever. We managed to get it together, but for a long time I didn't like my dad. I didn't want to be around him. I didn't even want to see him, because I just couldn't understand how someone could do that to their family after all the time and memories we'd had. My brother went off to school in Arizona, and I felt even more alone.
My mom ended up putting me into therapy. I didn't really enjoy going. I would play monopoly, and the therapist would ask me probing questions. Then there was that day where the big revelation happened. There always is one when you go to the type of therapist I did I guess. We figured out that I was scared that my mom would leave me. THAT was why I was letting my grades suffer, and my attitude to become snotty. I got some reassurance once we figured out what the problem was, and I felt better.
Years went by.
My mom met a man named Dick, whom she liked very much, and eventually decided to marry. Without going into a long, sorted story, he caused some initial friction for me. He wasn't my favorite to put it lightly. Anyway, I moved in with my dad and Kathleen hoping that would repair the now-strained relationship with my mom. It didn't right away, and I began to feel like she chose Dick over me. It wasn't the most logical decision, but that's what I thought when I was 16. (Things have vastly improved, but that's not relevant for this post)
Fast forward a few years. My dad's girlfriend, Kathleen, began to tell me things like "I thought I was done raising kids", and complaining to my dad about my lack of curfew or my choice in friends. Looking back, she was 100% correct, but when I was 17, 18, 19, 20... I didn't think that way. I thought she was just hassling me. Then, one night, my dad came into my room, shut the door, and kneeled to that his forearms were on the bed, almost like a prayer pose. He told me that Kathleen thought it would be best if I moved back over to my mom's. She had decided that she was done raising kids when my 3 step-sisters had all moved out years before. I cried for days.
I finally got it together enough to move over to my mom's house. It was better over there, but not the ideal set up for me.Then, as most of my readers know, my dad got sick, and to make a long story short, went home to be with Jesus. He had become my very best friend, and it was an unbelievable blow to my life. I had honestly never thought of what my life would be like without him. You know what I mean? It's not what someone who's 21 thinks about. His absence in my day to day life was like a slap in the face. After that, things improved at home. It was strange, but because Dick's dad had died, there was almost this...kinship. It was strange, but in a weird way, it was comforting. I've never told him that. Maybe someday I will. Haha. Anywho. Another year goes by. My mom takes me to breakfast one day, at Denny's, and in the nicest way possible (and I mean that) tells me that she and Dick though it would be better if I found somewhere else to live. I was old enough to know that me living there caused strain, but in the moment she told me, it was like a slap in the face. It felt like she was choosing him all over again.
So, I moved in with Lauren, a girl in my bible study group at my church, and one of my really good friends. I loved it.
Then Matthew, the man I'd been dating for over a year left on a mission trip to Taiwan. We had broken up like 2 months before he left, but being a typical girl, I was holding out hope that we'd have a "movie moment", and realize we were perfect for each other. This is where the point of this entire blog comes together, folks. I had a major revelation that I have abandonment issues. It's something that I've been thinking about for a while, but after tons of thought and countless minutes of prayer, I've decided it's the truth. Everyone had their stories, and I know that people come and go, but I tend to focus on the negative, and lately I've been focusing on how many people have "left" me in my life.
Yesterday, Matthew and I had a big-time conversation about "us". We aren't together, but a LOT of people have been asking if we are going to get back together, so we figured we should see where the other person was, and decide. We both are in the same place. Friends. Good friends, but just friends. And while that makes me a little bit sad, but if I'm being honest, I feel a definite peace about it. I KNOW it's the right decision.
How does this relate to my blog entry tonight, you ask?
Well, my stupid human heart is convincing my brain that "it's happening again". Someone else is leaving my life, never to return. It sort of makes me laugh, because it's almost like I can feel it happening inside of me. What my weak little human heart doesn't know is that my faith in God has never, and I mean NEVER been stronger than it is right now.
So, bring it on. Bring on the confusion, the longing, the feelings of abandonment, and the sadness, because I have a God that can get me through anything. There's that old saying, "God will never give you anything that you can't handle"... Well, I don't believe that's true. I believe He's going to give you PLENTY that you can't handle... But it's your job, dear reader, to cling to Him, stay in His word, stay connected to fellow believers, and that, friends, is what'll get you through the crap of life.So, tonight, sitting in this Starbucks, I feel at peace, because I have a God who can do anything. I have a God who never abandons ANYONE, ever. And I have a God, that when the stupid devil is trying to weasle his way into my weak heart, says "COME AT ME BRO."
Grace be with you.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Glorieta
Last night I posted a blog about Glorieta, New Mexico.
I had dinner with my mom last night, and she expressed concern in me going to camp this year. I will have to take off a week of work (which I've already done), and I'd be missing out on making that money that week. I understand all of this. But last night, I was trying to explain to her why camp was so important, and I just couldn't. You, as my readers, know that sometimes I have trouble using my words. Sometimes when I get upset about something, my mouth shuts down. I can't say the things I want to.
So, here I am to type out why Glorieta is so important to me.
It's hard to put into words what happens at camp. It's hard to describe the feeling you get when you step off of the bus into this world in the mountains of New Mexico. You step out, and immediately you're surrounded by pine and aspen trees. The rustling of the leaves, and the lapping of the water down by the lake has this calming effect. The first night of chapel is always filled with excitement. Everyone's meeting new people, and they're preparing their hearts and minds for a week filled with Jesus. The announcer gets up and welcomes us to college camp twenty whatever, and everyone yells out with tangible excitement. The worship team comes on, and everyone stands to sing their hearts out.
As the week goes on, the worship is one of my favorite parts, because it's one of the bonding experiences. While at camp, God is going to slap you in the face and work on your heart. Everyone comes there with things on their minds, their own issues. And almost everyone has that one night where it finally hits them. It'll be a speaker, or a song, or a devotional. Something will click, and it can get emotional. When that happens in worship, at least in my experience, it's intense.
It's the moment when you sit down during a song, because you feel so completely humbled. It's that moment where you put your head down into your hands, and just keep praying for guidance, peace, or whatever God-given gift you need. But then you feel a hand on your shoulder or on your back, or sometimes both. The people around you, people you may not have known a week prior, are there with you through one of the most intense moment of your life. I've been to camp twice now, and it's more intense every time.
That's why camp, to me, is amazing. That is why Glorieta is my favorite place I've ever been.
Yes, the scenery is amazing. Yes, the classes are awesome and informative, and they definitely help prepare us to go back into our worldly lives with new tools and outlooks. And yes, hanging out with friends, and meeting new people is fun.
But that's not why I go.
I go to experience God in a new way.
I go to rejuvenate, refresh and reconnect.
That's Glorieta for me.
I couldn't put it into words last night. But I think this does it justice.
I had dinner with my mom last night, and she expressed concern in me going to camp this year. I will have to take off a week of work (which I've already done), and I'd be missing out on making that money that week. I understand all of this. But last night, I was trying to explain to her why camp was so important, and I just couldn't. You, as my readers, know that sometimes I have trouble using my words. Sometimes when I get upset about something, my mouth shuts down. I can't say the things I want to.
So, here I am to type out why Glorieta is so important to me.
It's hard to put into words what happens at camp. It's hard to describe the feeling you get when you step off of the bus into this world in the mountains of New Mexico. You step out, and immediately you're surrounded by pine and aspen trees. The rustling of the leaves, and the lapping of the water down by the lake has this calming effect. The first night of chapel is always filled with excitement. Everyone's meeting new people, and they're preparing their hearts and minds for a week filled with Jesus. The announcer gets up and welcomes us to college camp twenty whatever, and everyone yells out with tangible excitement. The worship team comes on, and everyone stands to sing their hearts out.
As the week goes on, the worship is one of my favorite parts, because it's one of the bonding experiences. While at camp, God is going to slap you in the face and work on your heart. Everyone comes there with things on their minds, their own issues. And almost everyone has that one night where it finally hits them. It'll be a speaker, or a song, or a devotional. Something will click, and it can get emotional. When that happens in worship, at least in my experience, it's intense.
It's the moment when you sit down during a song, because you feel so completely humbled. It's that moment where you put your head down into your hands, and just keep praying for guidance, peace, or whatever God-given gift you need. But then you feel a hand on your shoulder or on your back, or sometimes both. The people around you, people you may not have known a week prior, are there with you through one of the most intense moment of your life. I've been to camp twice now, and it's more intense every time.
That's why camp, to me, is amazing. That is why Glorieta is my favorite place I've ever been.
Yes, the scenery is amazing. Yes, the classes are awesome and informative, and they definitely help prepare us to go back into our worldly lives with new tools and outlooks. And yes, hanging out with friends, and meeting new people is fun.
But that's not why I go.
I go to experience God in a new way.
I go to rejuvenate, refresh and reconnect.
That's Glorieta for me.
I couldn't put it into words last night. But I think this does it justice.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Constant
There's quite a bit happening in my world right now. I was talking through things with one of my friends, and we came to the conclusion that no matter what I'm going through now, it's DEFINITELY not the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Right? Right.
There are times in life when things don't go the way you want them to. Sometimes you're disappointed by people in your life. Sometimes by the world around you. Sometimes just by the situations life throws at you.
Our lives aren't always constant, especially at 23. Jobs change. Friends change. Family changes. We change.
But there is one thing in this world that's constant.
God.
God is constant.
He is the one person who'll be there even in your darkest moments. He is the one person who'll be there even when you knowingly make lousy decisions. He is the person who'll always be there, even when if you decide you don't want Him to be. He won't leave your side. He's always listening. He'll always give you an answer, even if it isn't the answer you want!
When life is a roller coaster of ups and downs, and twists and turns, He's there.
Don't forget that.
Grace be with you.
There are times in life when things don't go the way you want them to. Sometimes you're disappointed by people in your life. Sometimes by the world around you. Sometimes just by the situations life throws at you.
Our lives aren't always constant, especially at 23. Jobs change. Friends change. Family changes. We change.
But there is one thing in this world that's constant.
God.
God is constant.
He is the one person who'll be there even in your darkest moments. He is the one person who'll be there even when you knowingly make lousy decisions. He is the person who'll always be there, even when if you decide you don't want Him to be. He won't leave your side. He's always listening. He'll always give you an answer, even if it isn't the answer you want!
When life is a roller coaster of ups and downs, and twists and turns, He's there.
Don't forget that.
Grace be with you.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Godly man.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want in my future husband. It's one of those things that all girls think about, but lately it's something that's been weighing on my mind.
I haven't always made the greatest choices when it came to those I chose to date. I dated a slew of guys that were, as we in the church community call, worldly. We didn't have Jesus at the center of our relationships. We didn't invest in each other in any sort of deep way. They were fairly superficial, surface type relationships. We didn't grow together. You know what I mean?
Anyway. I've been thinking a lot lately and re-evaluating what I want and what God wants for me. The most important of which is to have a Christ-centered relationship. I've learned in recent years that dating a guy who loves Jesus is a must, but to have a Christ-centered relationship is something completely different.
So far I've decided the following...
Keeping Jesus as my number one, and making sure it stays that way. It's so easy to start to idolize the person I'm with, to make them more important that spending time with the one who loves me more than life itself. And that can not happen. Even when I've dated a fellow believer, it happens. The Enemy can sneak it into even the best relationship.
Make sure I am doing my quiet times every single day, no excuses, and keeping the my godly-guy accountable for doing his. I have a lousy track record when it comes to quiet times. I am the very first one to say, well, I need to do this and this and this, so I'll do my quiet time later. Then, of course, it never gets done. This will happen for days in a row, and then the next thing I know it's been a week or two or more. It's a daily struggle for me.
The physical aspect of relationships is hard for me too. I've had some rough things happen in my life, and I've also not always made the best choices in this department, but it's definitely something that important to me now. This is something that hits my heart pretty hard. I had someone tell me the other day, though we weren't talking about me, that it's severely hypocritical to be having a physical relationship with the person your dating, and then turn right around and teach younger generations to honor God and save themselves for marriage. And you know what? The person that told me this was 100% correct! Think about this the next time this particular temptation arises. Is it worth being a hypocrite?
I am not writing this blog to convict anyone in particular. It's things that have been on my mind a bunch lately, and since this is my free space to put my opinions out into the void for my readers, I wrote this.
Convicted.
Rededicated.
Grace be with you.
I haven't always made the greatest choices when it came to those I chose to date. I dated a slew of guys that were, as we in the church community call, worldly. We didn't have Jesus at the center of our relationships. We didn't invest in each other in any sort of deep way. They were fairly superficial, surface type relationships. We didn't grow together. You know what I mean?
Anyway. I've been thinking a lot lately and re-evaluating what I want and what God wants for me. The most important of which is to have a Christ-centered relationship. I've learned in recent years that dating a guy who loves Jesus is a must, but to have a Christ-centered relationship is something completely different.
So far I've decided the following...
Keeping Jesus as my number one, and making sure it stays that way. It's so easy to start to idolize the person I'm with, to make them more important that spending time with the one who loves me more than life itself. And that can not happen. Even when I've dated a fellow believer, it happens. The Enemy can sneak it into even the best relationship.
Make sure I am doing my quiet times every single day, no excuses, and keeping the my godly-guy accountable for doing his. I have a lousy track record when it comes to quiet times. I am the very first one to say, well, I need to do this and this and this, so I'll do my quiet time later. Then, of course, it never gets done. This will happen for days in a row, and then the next thing I know it's been a week or two or more. It's a daily struggle for me.
The physical aspect of relationships is hard for me too. I've had some rough things happen in my life, and I've also not always made the best choices in this department, but it's definitely something that important to me now. This is something that hits my heart pretty hard. I had someone tell me the other day, though we weren't talking about me, that it's severely hypocritical to be having a physical relationship with the person your dating, and then turn right around and teach younger generations to honor God and save themselves for marriage. And you know what? The person that told me this was 100% correct! Think about this the next time this particular temptation arises. Is it worth being a hypocrite?
I am not writing this blog to convict anyone in particular. It's things that have been on my mind a bunch lately, and since this is my free space to put my opinions out into the void for my readers, I wrote this.
Convicted.
Rededicated.
Grace be with you.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Cole
This week, at work, I taught a classroom full of three and four-yea-olds. There was a little boy in my class, named Cole. He's four, and he is the sweetest little boy you'll ever meet. He loves to chat about the most random topics, but this week, something happened that got me thinking. Cole came over and told me that another boy in our class wouldn't share a toy with him. I knew that this other little boy had just gotten the toy, so I told Cole to go over there and talk to him about it. One of our key phrases we try to teach the kids at our preschool is to "use your words". Well, Cole walks over to this other little boy, and says "Ms. Whitney said that we have to share, so give it to me", and he took the toy right out of the other boy's hand. He turned to look at me, and I, of course, made him give the toy back.
This got me thinking.
(It's funny how the everyday adventures of a four-year-old can make you have mini-revelations about yourself)
I don't really remember when it all started. It's most vivid in high school, when I was living with my dad and his girlfriend Kathleen. Kathleen was a "note-writer". If she wanted to get something off her chest, pass along information, or just generally let something be known, she would write a note and leave it in a specific spot on our kitchen island. If we wanted to say something to her in response to her notes, we were to write a note, and leave it on her laptop at the other end of the kitchen. She worked odd hours, and this was the easiest way to converse. What I didn't know at the time, and what I didn't realize until just in the past 2 years or so, was that it's because of this that I don't know how to use my words.
During those all-important teenage years, where one is supposed to be taught to have adult conversations, piece together thoughts and voice them, I was being shown to write notes.I like to think of myself as a decent blogger. I enjoy writing, and even though I'm sure that no ones truly cares about my writings the way I do, I enjoy doing it, and I feel like I can express anything with a keyboard. (Hence the title of my blog)But if someone comes up to me and wants to talk something out, something serious, something more than just idle chit chat, I get nervous. I lose my words. I literally just can't say anything at all. My mind will race with answers to their questions, solutions for their problems, or sassy comments for their stories, but my mouth just won't work.
A few weeks ago, I was at the park with a group of friends, and one of them asked to talk to me privately. He and another friend pulled me aside to tell me that they think I've been leaving people out of our group events, purposely not inviting people that I don't like. This is a false statement. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I froze. They were sitting there telling me these things, and my speech capability just dissipated. I let them finish what they had to say, one of them said "are we good?", and I answered with a nod and walked away. OF COURSE we weren't good, but what was I going to do? Stand there stammering like an idiot? Heck no! So I walked away angry with myself. I didn't use my words, and it was unbelievably frustrating for me.
This has been happening more and more in my life in recent years, and it's something I've been working on.I'm not sure how to make it better. I have plenty to say, obviously my blog are mini-novels, but I lack the emotional strength to actually say the things that need to be said.
There really wasn't a point for this blog. It was just to let you, as the reader, into my world a little bit more.
Grace be with you.
This got me thinking.
(It's funny how the everyday adventures of a four-year-old can make you have mini-revelations about yourself)
I don't really remember when it all started. It's most vivid in high school, when I was living with my dad and his girlfriend Kathleen. Kathleen was a "note-writer". If she wanted to get something off her chest, pass along information, or just generally let something be known, she would write a note and leave it in a specific spot on our kitchen island. If we wanted to say something to her in response to her notes, we were to write a note, and leave it on her laptop at the other end of the kitchen. She worked odd hours, and this was the easiest way to converse. What I didn't know at the time, and what I didn't realize until just in the past 2 years or so, was that it's because of this that I don't know how to use my words.
During those all-important teenage years, where one is supposed to be taught to have adult conversations, piece together thoughts and voice them, I was being shown to write notes.I like to think of myself as a decent blogger. I enjoy writing, and even though I'm sure that no ones truly cares about my writings the way I do, I enjoy doing it, and I feel like I can express anything with a keyboard. (Hence the title of my blog)But if someone comes up to me and wants to talk something out, something serious, something more than just idle chit chat, I get nervous. I lose my words. I literally just can't say anything at all. My mind will race with answers to their questions, solutions for their problems, or sassy comments for their stories, but my mouth just won't work.
A few weeks ago, I was at the park with a group of friends, and one of them asked to talk to me privately. He and another friend pulled me aside to tell me that they think I've been leaving people out of our group events, purposely not inviting people that I don't like. This is a false statement. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I froze. They were sitting there telling me these things, and my speech capability just dissipated. I let them finish what they had to say, one of them said "are we good?", and I answered with a nod and walked away. OF COURSE we weren't good, but what was I going to do? Stand there stammering like an idiot? Heck no! So I walked away angry with myself. I didn't use my words, and it was unbelievably frustrating for me.
This has been happening more and more in my life in recent years, and it's something I've been working on.I'm not sure how to make it better. I have plenty to say, obviously my blog are mini-novels, but I lack the emotional strength to actually say the things that need to be said.
There really wasn't a point for this blog. It was just to let you, as the reader, into my world a little bit more.
Grace be with you.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
A piece of my story.
There are around ten days in my entire life that I remember in perfect detail. This post includes three of them. Yes, it'll be a long one, but I've decided to let my faithful readers into my mind and my emotional world. It's not something I do often. I'm not an emotional person, at least not outwardly, so for me this is a big step. Bear with me...
August 13, 2010
Everyone loads up onto the bus. We are leaving Glorieta, and I am on a spiritual high like you wouldn't believe. I'm so on fire for God, and I'm excite to get back to Vegas and get a Sin City revival going. We load up, everyone's chattering away, and laughing at stories and inside jokes from our week away.
A couple of hours into our trip, we pass a native american reservation, and stop to look at the shops and to go to the bathroom or whatever and it's the first time my phone has gotten service in a while. I have a missed call from my dad's girlfriend, and that's weird, so I listen to the voicemail she's left, and she said that my dad has been checked into Summerlin Hospital's ICU, with pneumonia and a host of other crap, and I need to call her ASAP. Okay, panic set in. I was more than 8 hours away, and I'm stuck on a bus with a group of people I've only known for a couple of months, and all I really wanted was to be home with my family. We may be dysfunctional at times, but we seem to pull together at the end of the day. :)
I finally reach Kathleen, and she says that I should come to the hospital as soon as I can, but at that point he was "critical but stable". I get the memo to Damian (our college pastor) at the front of the bus, and he gets on the loud speaker, and tells everyone the situation and we pray. A bus FULL of basically strangers prayed for a man they'd never met. That was staggering to me.
I cried off and on for hours. I kept looking around the bus, and saw people looking at me. I know it was out of care and concern, but I didn't like being watched. I seriously felt like the biggest baby for crying as much as I did. I wasn't crying just because he was in the hospital. Modern medicine is amazing, BUT the reason I was crying was even more amazing. I can't really explain it fully, and not a lot of people even know this happened... But that day, sitting in a bus of new friends, coming back from a vacation spent with Jesus...
I knew my Dad was going to die.
I know that probably sounds morbid, or unbelievable. I would think the same thing if it wasn't me. It's okay. Haha. But I just knew. It felt like... When your foot falls asleep and then it sometimes spreads up your leg... But it was a sense of peace. It just covered me completely, and I can't find any other words to describe it.
Anyway. I began my grieving process that day, and that's why I was crying so much. I just knew.
My dad was in hospitals since August. It's now December. He attempted to do rehab, and it's caused a relapse. The doctors are telling is that he will definitely not recover this time, and it's time to have important conversations, make decisions and arrangements, and say our goodbyes.
Tuesday December 14, 2010, I went to the hospital one last time, and we've decided to take him off everything and let God do His thing. That night is amazing. Ten or so people from the college group came with me (from logos) and sat with me at the hospital for hours. People I wasn't even close with. It blew my mind. Damian asked me at one point if he could have a minute alone with my dad to pray over him and have a chat. He came out like fifteen minutes later and told me that my dad had accepted Jesus. Imagine my surprise. My father, who had never really been to church, was going to Heaven, and I would see him again one day! It was the best Christmas present I've ever gotten!
Friday December 17, 2010 (three days later) I had said my goodbyes on Tuesday night, in the company of my friends, and I had decided (against the opinion of most people) to not be at the hospital for my dad's final moments. I just wanted to remember him in a pleasant way, not as someone lifeless. Ya know? Well, you probably don't. Haha.
So, I went to work. It was actually my last day working at my job I had at the time. I had gotten something new, and I was going to say goodbye to my after school kids that day. At 2:00 I called my mom and told her to tell my dad that I loved him. At 2:11, she called back and told me he was gone. I hung up on her, telling her I'd call back. I had been talking to two parents (also, friends of mine), and when I hung up, I looked up at them, turned, and walked away. I got three steps into the empty hallway, and couldn't go any further. I melted into the wall sobbing like a freak. My two friends had followed me and hugged me tight, and just let me cry.
It wasn't really what I'd expected. Movies portray death to be one way, and it's obviously not like that at all. So, after I pulled myself together, I walked into my boss' office, and told her my
Dad had died. She (and my other coworker in the room) immediately told me to go, that they would find someone to take care of the kids. I told them no. My family would be at the hospital for hours saying goodbye and doing arrangements, and I was NOT going home to an empty house. And I was NOT going to miss out on saying goodbye to these kids that I had invested so fully in. I loved them, and it wouldn't be fair to disappear from their lives without explanation. They wouldn't have understood. So, I stayed.
I don't regret staying. People kept telling me that I'd regret not being there. That I'd feel incomplete.
I don't.
I wrote this blog simply to let some emotion out, and to show a piece of my life to someone who may not have been around then. If I didn't have Jesus and my friends and family, I GUARANTEE, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have the good life I do. I have a LOT of lousy days still, feel free to pray for those, but I'm still surrounded by people who love me. This particular post is in remembrance, and to share part of my story.
Grace be with you.
August 13, 2010
Everyone loads up onto the bus. We are leaving Glorieta, and I am on a spiritual high like you wouldn't believe. I'm so on fire for God, and I'm excite to get back to Vegas and get a Sin City revival going. We load up, everyone's chattering away, and laughing at stories and inside jokes from our week away.
A couple of hours into our trip, we pass a native american reservation, and stop to look at the shops and to go to the bathroom or whatever and it's the first time my phone has gotten service in a while. I have a missed call from my dad's girlfriend, and that's weird, so I listen to the voicemail she's left, and she said that my dad has been checked into Summerlin Hospital's ICU, with pneumonia and a host of other crap, and I need to call her ASAP. Okay, panic set in. I was more than 8 hours away, and I'm stuck on a bus with a group of people I've only known for a couple of months, and all I really wanted was to be home with my family. We may be dysfunctional at times, but we seem to pull together at the end of the day. :)
I finally reach Kathleen, and she says that I should come to the hospital as soon as I can, but at that point he was "critical but stable". I get the memo to Damian (our college pastor) at the front of the bus, and he gets on the loud speaker, and tells everyone the situation and we pray. A bus FULL of basically strangers prayed for a man they'd never met. That was staggering to me.
I cried off and on for hours. I kept looking around the bus, and saw people looking at me. I know it was out of care and concern, but I didn't like being watched. I seriously felt like the biggest baby for crying as much as I did. I wasn't crying just because he was in the hospital. Modern medicine is amazing, BUT the reason I was crying was even more amazing. I can't really explain it fully, and not a lot of people even know this happened... But that day, sitting in a bus of new friends, coming back from a vacation spent with Jesus...
I knew my Dad was going to die.
I know that probably sounds morbid, or unbelievable. I would think the same thing if it wasn't me. It's okay. Haha. But I just knew. It felt like... When your foot falls asleep and then it sometimes spreads up your leg... But it was a sense of peace. It just covered me completely, and I can't find any other words to describe it.
Anyway. I began my grieving process that day, and that's why I was crying so much. I just knew.
My dad was in hospitals since August. It's now December. He attempted to do rehab, and it's caused a relapse. The doctors are telling is that he will definitely not recover this time, and it's time to have important conversations, make decisions and arrangements, and say our goodbyes.
Tuesday December 14, 2010, I went to the hospital one last time, and we've decided to take him off everything and let God do His thing. That night is amazing. Ten or so people from the college group came with me (from logos) and sat with me at the hospital for hours. People I wasn't even close with. It blew my mind. Damian asked me at one point if he could have a minute alone with my dad to pray over him and have a chat. He came out like fifteen minutes later and told me that my dad had accepted Jesus. Imagine my surprise. My father, who had never really been to church, was going to Heaven, and I would see him again one day! It was the best Christmas present I've ever gotten!
Friday December 17, 2010 (three days later) I had said my goodbyes on Tuesday night, in the company of my friends, and I had decided (against the opinion of most people) to not be at the hospital for my dad's final moments. I just wanted to remember him in a pleasant way, not as someone lifeless. Ya know? Well, you probably don't. Haha.
So, I went to work. It was actually my last day working at my job I had at the time. I had gotten something new, and I was going to say goodbye to my after school kids that day. At 2:00 I called my mom and told her to tell my dad that I loved him. At 2:11, she called back and told me he was gone. I hung up on her, telling her I'd call back. I had been talking to two parents (also, friends of mine), and when I hung up, I looked up at them, turned, and walked away. I got three steps into the empty hallway, and couldn't go any further. I melted into the wall sobbing like a freak. My two friends had followed me and hugged me tight, and just let me cry.
It wasn't really what I'd expected. Movies portray death to be one way, and it's obviously not like that at all. So, after I pulled myself together, I walked into my boss' office, and told her my
Dad had died. She (and my other coworker in the room) immediately told me to go, that they would find someone to take care of the kids. I told them no. My family would be at the hospital for hours saying goodbye and doing arrangements, and I was NOT going home to an empty house. And I was NOT going to miss out on saying goodbye to these kids that I had invested so fully in. I loved them, and it wouldn't be fair to disappear from their lives without explanation. They wouldn't have understood. So, I stayed.
I don't regret staying. People kept telling me that I'd regret not being there. That I'd feel incomplete.
I don't.
I wrote this blog simply to let some emotion out, and to show a piece of my life to someone who may not have been around then. If I didn't have Jesus and my friends and family, I GUARANTEE, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have the good life I do. I have a LOT of lousy days still, feel free to pray for those, but I'm still surrounded by people who love me. This particular post is in remembrance, and to share part of my story.
Grace be with you.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Funk
This past weekend was Father's day weekend, and it was a rough one. I woke up Sunday morning, and felt this little grey rain cloud over me. I got ready and went to church. During the closing prayer in bible study, Jason was saying something about praying for those without dads. There are actually quite a few of us that only have one parent left. It's sad. But anyway, he said that, and I lost my marbles. I had to get up and walk out of bible study and go outside.
I HATE crying in front of people. HATE HATE. SO, when I was having my mild mental breakdown, I felt like such a fool. It was embarrassing. You know what I mean? Well, Vanessa, Courtney and Karina came out once the prayer was done, because they understood my mental state. Once I finally pulled myself together enough to be in front of people, we went back into the room, and I was met with an avalanche of "I'll be praying for yous" and "I'm so sorrys", which of course made me want to cry more.
Long story short (too late!), ever since Sunday, I've been in a lousy mood. There are moments where I'm happy, true, but it's like that little grey rain cloud is following me around.
Tonight, the college group is having a bowling night at the Red Rock. I'm going in hopes that my mood with dissipate. I love bowling (I played varsity in high school), and I love my pulse peeps, so here's hoping.
Grace be with you.
I HATE crying in front of people. HATE HATE. SO, when I was having my mild mental breakdown, I felt like such a fool. It was embarrassing. You know what I mean? Well, Vanessa, Courtney and Karina came out once the prayer was done, because they understood my mental state. Once I finally pulled myself together enough to be in front of people, we went back into the room, and I was met with an avalanche of "I'll be praying for yous" and "I'm so sorrys", which of course made me want to cry more.
Long story short (too late!), ever since Sunday, I've been in a lousy mood. There are moments where I'm happy, true, but it's like that little grey rain cloud is following me around.
Tonight, the college group is having a bowling night at the Red Rock. I'm going in hopes that my mood with dissipate. I love bowling (I played varsity in high school), and I love my pulse peeps, so here's hoping.
Grace be with you.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Quiet
I'm sitting here. Resting. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for questions to be answered. Waiting for...something. The trees are rustling. The grass is wet, and there are kids playing in the distance.
In my patch of grass; my small patch on this little hill, I wait. Wherever two or more are gathered, God is there. I've been told that all of my life. So, here I sit in a field, scattered with sixty college students looking for answers. Answers to life's many questions. Where is my life going? Are my friends good ones to have around? Do I make good choices in my life? Is my relationship with this person godly and how it should be? We are sitting in this vast field, giving our fears to the one who made us; our fears of the future, of our present, and of our pasts.
We were challenged tonight to stop, rest and listen. Free our minds, and hear what God has been trying to tell us. Listen to the advice and answers He's been trying to give us, because frankly, we leave our listening ears at the door on the way out of church.
Am I right?
What did God say to you today?
Grace be with you.
In my patch of grass; my small patch on this little hill, I wait. Wherever two or more are gathered, God is there. I've been told that all of my life. So, here I sit in a field, scattered with sixty college students looking for answers. Answers to life's many questions. Where is my life going? Are my friends good ones to have around? Do I make good choices in my life? Is my relationship with this person godly and how it should be? We are sitting in this vast field, giving our fears to the one who made us; our fears of the future, of our present, and of our pasts.
We were challenged tonight to stop, rest and listen. Free our minds, and hear what God has been trying to tell us. Listen to the advice and answers He's been trying to give us, because frankly, we leave our listening ears at the door on the way out of church.
Am I right?
What did God say to you today?
Grace be with you.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Grace
It's a word we've all heard a thousand times...
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me..."
"It is by grace that you've been saved, not by works..."
But do we really ever take into account the weight this word has?
I don't.
The definition of grace, as defined by Webster, is the exercise of love, compassion and mercy.
Well, this is a word that's been popping up a lot in my life lately for one reason or another. The Bible is very clear that we are to love God and love others, and it demonstrates countless acts of compassion and mercy.
All of that being said, have you shown grace today?
There are days where the kids I teach at work are just horribly behaved. Or there are days where there's drama in my circle of friends, and it mentally exhausts me. OR there are days where my family has so many problems going on that it causes me a stress stomach ache.
On those days, when life is storming and absolutely nothing is going right, sometimes it's hard for me to remember the grace shown to me. Sometimes it's hard to remember the things Jesus went through so that I could have a better life. Sometimes, when I've had a REALLY lousy day, I just flat out don't WANT to love on people. I don't have compassion or mercy on the people bothering me.
I was sitting here today while the little ones in my class are sleeping, and this thought occurred to me...
There are days, rotten days, where I don't feel like showing grace to those around me.
That day, at Calvary, Jesus had a COMPLETELY lousy day... Imagine if he had decided that he just didn't feel like giving the world grace that day?
Imagine where we'd be.
Grace. Share some today.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me..."
"It is by grace that you've been saved, not by works..."
But do we really ever take into account the weight this word has?
I don't.
The definition of grace, as defined by Webster, is the exercise of love, compassion and mercy.
Well, this is a word that's been popping up a lot in my life lately for one reason or another. The Bible is very clear that we are to love God and love others, and it demonstrates countless acts of compassion and mercy.
All of that being said, have you shown grace today?
There are days where the kids I teach at work are just horribly behaved. Or there are days where there's drama in my circle of friends, and it mentally exhausts me. OR there are days where my family has so many problems going on that it causes me a stress stomach ache.
On those days, when life is storming and absolutely nothing is going right, sometimes it's hard for me to remember the grace shown to me. Sometimes it's hard to remember the things Jesus went through so that I could have a better life. Sometimes, when I've had a REALLY lousy day, I just flat out don't WANT to love on people. I don't have compassion or mercy on the people bothering me.
I was sitting here today while the little ones in my class are sleeping, and this thought occurred to me...
There are days, rotten days, where I don't feel like showing grace to those around me.
That day, at Calvary, Jesus had a COMPLETELY lousy day... Imagine if he had decided that he just didn't feel like giving the world grace that day?
Imagine where we'd be.
Grace. Share some today.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Seasons
I've been struggling a lot lately, dealing with how differently my life has turned out in comparison to how I'd planned. More specifically, the people in my life. A little over a year ago, I thought I had a pretty perfect life, relationship wise. I loved Jesus, I had a great boyfriend, and I hung around with an amazing group of girls.
Well, I still love Jesus. Matthew and I, though we are still good friends, aren't together any more. And my group of "best friends" turned out to be... Well, not.
So, I guess what I'm struggling with is the idea that sometimes God puts people into your life just for a season. They come in, help you through something in your life, whether minor or major, and then leave as quickly as they came in. Obviously I'm not talking about Matt or Jesus. Haha. But my friends, the ones I thought would be there forever are gone. Completely gone. I don't actually talk to any of them, except for Trace.
I can't lie, this is disheartening for me. It's hard to accept that I invested so fully and so completely in people, and now they aren't around anymore. I'm sure someone out there is reading this saying "well, call them up. Be friend's again." And I wish it was that easy.
I don't harbor any ill will towards anyone any more. I did, for a very long time, but I don't any longer. I miss what we had sometimes, but a year has passed, and I have a pretty great life going on right now :) I have a small group of hilarious friends, who I can't imagine life without :) Our group at church is at this amazing point where no ones really "cliquey" at all, which is nice.
I don't know... I almost didn't post this blog because I thought it might stir up some unwanted drama, and that isn't my intention. It's just something that's been on my mind lately, and since this is my blog... My space to basically think out loud... I thought I'd write about it here.
My life, with God's direction and a little sass, is turning out nicely :)
Well, I still love Jesus. Matthew and I, though we are still good friends, aren't together any more. And my group of "best friends" turned out to be... Well, not.
So, I guess what I'm struggling with is the idea that sometimes God puts people into your life just for a season. They come in, help you through something in your life, whether minor or major, and then leave as quickly as they came in. Obviously I'm not talking about Matt or Jesus. Haha. But my friends, the ones I thought would be there forever are gone. Completely gone. I don't actually talk to any of them, except for Trace.
I can't lie, this is disheartening for me. It's hard to accept that I invested so fully and so completely in people, and now they aren't around anymore. I'm sure someone out there is reading this saying "well, call them up. Be friend's again." And I wish it was that easy.
I don't harbor any ill will towards anyone any more. I did, for a very long time, but I don't any longer. I miss what we had sometimes, but a year has passed, and I have a pretty great life going on right now :) I have a small group of hilarious friends, who I can't imagine life without :) Our group at church is at this amazing point where no ones really "cliquey" at all, which is nice.
I don't know... I almost didn't post this blog because I thought it might stir up some unwanted drama, and that isn't my intention. It's just something that's been on my mind lately, and since this is my blog... My space to basically think out loud... I thought I'd write about it here.
My life, with God's direction and a little sass, is turning out nicely :)
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Welcome Back!!
I haven't posted on this blog since December, because I decided to branch out and start a grown up blog. I decided to check out my old blog as I'm sitting here at home tonight, and I've decided I miss it. I don't like the Wordpress layout. I don't get as much traffic as before. The title I chose was especially lame. ("Just My Rambling"). Eh. It was lame. So, here I am, back and better than ever.
Just a girl with a keyboard... revamped and rededicated.
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