Sometimes I forget how great my life is...

There are moments when I forget how great my life is. 

Today was stressful. More so than usual for a Friday, and it was a longer day than normal as well. Parent problems. Kid problems. Coworker problems. It all seemed never ending. 

And then I started driving home. I called my best friend and chatted for a few minutes, and then I just drove. I rolled my window down, because it had finally stopped raining, and I just breathed. 

I love the smell of rain. I love seeing the lights of my enormous home town. I love listening to Mandisa belt out song about Jesus. 

Sometimes I forget how great my life is, but then it rains. 

And then I remember. 

It is by grace that we've been saved.

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough for heaven?

This is a random, out of the blue, post today, but it's something that's been on my mind. 

I know that there are verses upon verses saying how it's not by works that heaven is promised. It's by grace that we've been saved. I understand this, but do you ever just feel like you're not cuttin' it? Like you're not living up to you God-given potential?   

I think I'm having a day where I feel like this. Random story. 

Enjoy your Thursday. 

How do you deal with stress?

I learned today that I don't handle stress all that well. Work and life is fairly stressful at the moment, and my eye has developed this like... Twitch. I think it's because I haven't been sleeping much and when I do, it isn't that great. 

I need to learn to deal with the stress better. 

Amen?

Tonight's post will be short and sweet, but it's something I was reminded of today. I had a long day, with an afternoon of chaos and excitement. Good news. Bad news. But you know what?

God is good. All the time. 

Amen?

Abortion

Today, I had a discussion with someone about my pro-life stance on abortion.

This is a touchy subject, but this my forum, so I'll post what I want to. Ha!

There is a popular opinion in the world today that it should be a woman's choice whether or not her baby should be brought into this world. Maybe the baby's presence wasn't planned or maybe the soon-to-be parents aren't financially stable enough to support and provide for a baby. 

So a large population of women (in their child bearing years) believe that it's perfectly fine to sleep with someone and the next morning pop the "Plan B" pill. 

I just don't understand this way of thinking.

Do you remember that story on the news a while back when they found that microscopic organism on Mars, and everyone was SO excited because there was proven life on Mars? So, sweet reader, explain to me how the scientists of the world can say that the tiny little organism on mars is "life", but a baby at the moment of conception isn't?

A lot of people will say, "Oh, if you take the 'morning after' pill, the baby doesn't even know what's happening. It's like the conception never happened." Well, dear reader, that's a load of junk. 

In my opinion, life happens at the moment of conception. In my opinion, everything happens for a reason. And in my opinion, if you decide to have a night of fun with your significant person, you'd better be prepared for anything that may happen.

In today's society, birth control, even the best of the best, isn't 100% effective. 

I'm not judging anyone in their life choices. That wouldn't be fair of me, because everyone makes life choices. But, my dear reader, it should NOT be a choice to end a human life.

And that's it.

I am pro-life, and there's no changing my mind. 

Now comes the inevitable moment when someone is reading this saying "what about someone who is raped? If they happen to get pregnant because of their rapist, is it fair to ask them to carry the baby? To carry their rapists baby, a daily reminder of the trauma they've endured?"

And to this, my answer is yes. I know this may sound heartless, but it goes back to my opinion that everything happens for a reason. I am geniunely distraught for the women out there who've endured rape, and if that same woman is then to find out that she is pregnant, I can't even imagine... But is it fair to then end that person's life? That's what the baby is... a person. 

If you don't want to keep this daily reminder, I can't blame you. I can imagine the difficulty. But there are thousands of couples out there that can't have kids that would gladly adopt.

To round out tonight's discussion, my opinion can be stated as clearly as this:

I believe that a baby is a baby no matter how small. 

I believe that abortion is wrong, no matter the reason. 

End of story.

I finally unpacked a box.

Have you ever had a complete moment of clarity?

I don't know what my mindset had been the past couple of years. I have been perfectly fine, up until this point, to just get by. Not necessarily in a bad way. I haven't settled myself anywhere, because I had no idea what the plan for my life was. At this point, last year, I was living in a cute house with my friend and his dad. My family life hasn't always been the greatest, and while it's better now, it's really only good when I'm not living at home. I wasn't financially stable enough to be living on my own, so my friend and his dad invited me to stay there. The only problem was that I never let myself settle. 

I never unpacked any boxes. I never hung up artwork, or even let myself call where I was living "home". That housing arrangement ended up not working out because we were renting the house, and life happens. I bounced around last year... an insane amount actually. I even house sat one of the preschool parents' houses for two weeks while they were in Italy, for the pure and simple reason that I had NO WHERE else to go. It was the saddest and craziest time of my life thus far.

At the end of those two weeks, I was texting a friend of mine who owns his own house, and now I rent the downstairs floor from him, and I love it. Obviously I'm not going to stay here forever, but I had a major revelation last night. After I posted last night's blog post, I was sitting on my bed, watching Glee on Netflix (again) and looking around my room pondering my life and it's direction. I have boxes that aren't unpacked. I've told people I've unpacked, but I really haven't. In all honesty, I've been afraid to. I haven't had much stability in my life... like ever, so to let myself unpack boxes means that for the next 6 months or year or whatever, that I'm okay calling this place "home". 

I love my space. My room is really big, and fits all of my things, and there's room to spare. Right now, half of the room is packed up boxes, but last night, I unpacked one. I actually ended up throwing most of what was in it away. I was looking through this box that has been packed since LAST JUNE. Last June was when I moved out of the house with my friend and his dad, and until I moved into my current house, these same boxes were in a storage facility. Now, they're in neat piles in my room, and since I moved in, I've been living around them. I haven't felt a need to unpack them. I haven't felt a need to settle, because if I settle, that means that I am allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable.

If you've read this blog for any amount of time, emotional vulnerability isn't my strong suit.

So, long story short, I finally unpacked a box. I feel secure enough in my life that I unpacked a box. Tonight, after writing this post, maybe I'll unpack another one. Maybe I'll unpack another one tomorrow night and one mroe the night after that.

But there has been a step in the right direction.

Unforgivenss.

I am probably the worst example of forgiveness.

I am a grudge-holder in every sense of the word. I was self-analyzing today in between my busy Saturday events, and realized that there are a lot of "hurts" that I hold on to. 

It's not a big secret. I haven't had the easiest life, and a large part of that is to a seemingly endless stream of poor choices on my part. I was raised to act a certain way, and I, of course, thought I knew better. So, needless to say, I have some memories that aren't my favorite.

Some of these memories include unforgivenss. 

I harbor a lot of resentment toward people, but the reasons are unhealthy. 

I have expectations of people. Some are high expectations, some are not so high, and if people don't live up to those expectations, I start to resent them. I know I shouldn't, and that's something I'm praying through and working on. But it's something that I've recently learned about myself.

I am genuinely afraid that if I don't get a handle on this I won't have anyone left in my life, worth having.

Just some musings on this Saturday night.

Luther Vandross

So, today I think I depressed myself. 

Tonight, at our church, the kids ministries were hosting a "Father-Daughter Dance", and everyone. Old attend. I got off of work over in the preschool at around 6:00, and I decided that before I left for the day, I wanted to see the finished product. The decorations were perfect, absolutely perfect. A lot of our little ladies from the preschool were in attendance, and they looked beautiful. I stood on the sidelines with a few other staff members, and it could feel it happen. It was like a creepy crawly feeling that filled me up.

What feeling do I mean, sweet reader??

Sadness. I have basically come to grips with the feelings of sadness towards my dad no longer being on this planet. Thats not what I'm talking about here. I was standing there having "flash forwards" to my wedding day and realizing that I'd never dance with my dad again.

Even sitting here, at my house, writing this, I can almost feel my heart breaking.

My dad used to blast music in our house, and he snag me and try to get me to dance with him. Not for any set reason, just for giggles! but as I grew older! I wouldn't dance. I walk away, laughing at how crazy he was being. 

I'm kind of sad I did that.

This is how I feel:::

http://youtu.be/XjfH8wJ0zqM

Pet peeved

You know what bothers me?

When people only text you when they need something. It's driving me crazy. 

Please don't text me and say something like "hey! Haven't talked to you in a while, we should catch up! Hey. Can you..." 

If that's the only reason you've talked to me in the past year, don't even bother. 

This is something that bothers me the most. 

Exhausted

I think re-licensing, or at least HELPING re-license a preschool is one of the most exhausting things I've ever done. It takes more to run and build a school than most people realize. Appreciate your teachers, but also appreciate your office staff.

Goodnight busy world.

Apparently if I don't sing...

I had a conversation with someone today, and realized a little something about myself.

When I am having a lousy day, it is written all over my face. I can fake a smile better than anyone, but if I start thinking about anything less than happy, my face shows it. It's written all over, and impossible to hide. But something else that I didn't really know is that on days when I'm sad or overly preoccupied with something not so pleasant, I don't sing.

I don't hum anything. I don't sing, not even to the kids at work.

Today was a good day. I sung quite a bit.

But it's nice to have something to watch for.

If you don't hear me singing or humming or whistling or SOMETHING... 

Something's probably wrong.

Scared

Writing this testimony is turning out to be quite a bit harder than I thought it would be. 

I keep finding myself leaving certain things out because I'm not sure I really want other people knowing about my past. 

I feel like a lot of people have this certain image of me in their heads, and after this testimony adventure is spoken, that image will change. 

I'm still doing this. I know in my heart that this is something I'm supposed to be doing, but it's just... Scary. 

Ten of my most cherished memories.

Tonight's "Top 10" list is going to be a little different. Instead of the "top" ten, this is going to be a random grouping of ten.

Tonight's adventure? 

Ten of my most cherished memories. These will be in no particular order, but I hope that this list gives you a little glimse into my past and present.

One. The first time I ever fly on a plane by myself, I was going to Denver to spend a week with my Aunt Pam and Uncle Chuck. It was just about the scariest thing I've ever done. My mom grought me to the gate, which we didn't know would be the only time that's ever happened. (A month after this excursion, September 11th happened) When I stepped through the gate into that little hallway that leads you into the plane, I literally thought I was going to throw up. Ha!  The flight went fine. I remember that I learned what turbulence was, but the airline attendants were very nice, and luckily Colorado isn't that far away, so we weren't in the air all that long. This was a liberating moment for me. It was the first time EVER in my life that I was on my own, even if it was only for a couple hours. I felt so cool.

Two. When I was in the fifth grade, I discovered my love for broadway plays. I'd always loved movie-musicals, but I'd never gotten to experience the magic of seeing a story unfold on stage. For my 11th birthday, my mom and I took her work-friend Ann and we went to see "Grease" live. It was the perfect birthday. Oh gosh. I felt so special. I got to pick where we ate lunch. My mom's friend bought me a Build-A-Bear (which I made 1950's themed, of course!) and we saw one of my favorite movies translated on to a stage. It was perfect.

Three. When I was 5 years old, my cousin Andy was getting married in Denver. I was thrilled! I was going to be one of the two flower girls in the wedding, and I felt so special! It was going to be the first time I was ever going to be in a wedding, and I knew I had to look perfectly perfect. We woke up on the morning of the wedding, and did my hair ad got my dress ready. We had a little extra time, so we decided to go to the local art museum and see what mischief we could get into. My mom and grandma went inside, and my dad and I stayed outside so that he could finish his cigarette. It was the first time I'd ever seen ice on the sidewalk, and I was having an excellent time sliding on it. I'm sure, dear reader, that you can see where this is going... I slipped. I knocked out my two front teeth, and bled ALL OVER the concrete. I don't remember all that happened next. It's in bits and pieces, but my dad scooped me up and ran me inside. (Still bleeding) My mom and grandma cleaned me up and we went back to the hotel and put ice on my face. The wedding turned out beautifully, and I even looked cute. I could DEFINITELY pull off the toothless look!

Four. The first time I ever sang in front of people, was awesome. I've written about it before, but it's worth repeating. I was in eighth grade. I had transfered to a new school (Leavitt), and I was so excited to be in choir! I tried out to sing, got the part, and the night came for the reciital. I sang my little 3 year old heart out, and was grinning ear to ear for the rest of night. I was nervous, anxious and basically ready to throw up in front of a few hundred perfect strangers.  It was one of the greatest moments of my life. You can read more about this experience and the person responsible here:     

http://whitneyelizabethsphar.blogspot.com/2014/01/important-people-part-four.html

Five. I remember the first time I made cinnamon rolls with my grandma. If you don't know about our family, these cinnamon rolls are legendary. They were a coveted treat that didn't get made all that often, but when they did... My word. Since my grandma went home to be with Jesus in October 1999, no one has made them the same way. People have tried. Some people have even tried using the "magic pan" that she used when she'd make them. The first time I made them with her was so special. I got to hand make the dough and punch it down... Let it rise... and punch it down... And then we added the cinnamon and sugar and butter and baked them. It was a bonding moment that will always remain one of my favorite memories. 

Six. When I turned 16, the first thing I was excited to do was to get a job. I was raised in daycare, so the first (and in my mind, the only) job I wanted was to go back and work at the same daycare I was raised in. The family who ran it was basically family, so getting the job was no big deal, but actually DOING it was a whole new ballgame. When I showed up the first day, I had NO IDEA what I was getting into. I learned to change diapers. I scrubbed floors and cleaned toilets. I cooked lunched for a couple hundred kids. It was insanely busy, but I loved every single minute of it. I didn't end up working there long. I got another job with better hours that would work around my school schedule, at the YMCA, but it was definitely a learning experience.

Seven. One of my most vivid memories of my childhood is the first time I ever struck someone out. I played softball for a number of years. More than I care to think about sometimes, and I was the pitcher. Not to sound cocky, but I was a very good pitcher, especially for as young as I was. The first time I ever struck a batter out was one of the coolest moments I've ever experienced. The batter was noticably angry, but as I looked over into our dugout, my dad and Richard and Fred and Angela and my mom and Julie... Everyone was grinning. It had happened. I, as a little nine year old, struck someone out, and helped us win the game. I'll never forget it.

Eight. The first time I was ever around a horse was the day I decided I hate them. Ha! My cousin Hollie has a horse ranch just outside of Las Vegas, but when I was a kid, she had one special horse named Kasey. Kasey was a beautiful horse. He was young, so he wasn't truly broken yet, but she'd been working with him enough, and she thought he was calm enough for me to ride. I was so scared, and to be perfectly honest, I knew I wasn't going to go through with actually riding him. Ha! But then something happened. Across the street, something spooked Kasey. He began to buck and kick. I, being the naive nine year old that I was, I moved back... towards his back legs. He ended up kicking me pretty good, and injured my shoulder, and I decided that I hated horses. Ha!

Nine. The first night I slept in my aparment was the scariest night of my life. My wonderful friends helped move me into my apartment, and then when everything was settled, they went home. I had never expereinced that level of alone-ness.  I was living alone, on my own, in an apartment. No parents. No friends. (At least none IN the apartment), and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I watched a movie or two, microwaved dinner, and went to bed. The rooms seemed darker than I was used to. I kept "hearing" noises, and I probably checked the front door 10 times to make sure that I'd locked it. It was a freaky night, but one that grew me as a person.

Ten. The first time I met our awesome British cousins was one of the more memorable moments of my life. Joe and James came to America in April of 2003, and stayed in Las Vegas for the second week of their American journey. I fell in love with these new family members. We have lots of cousins on our side of the pond, but it was interesting to meet some that had been raised in an entirely different culture than what we were used to. They had cool stories. They'd been all over the place, and let's not forget those accents!! We hung out ALL week, and at the end of the week, we took them to the Circus Circus Adventuredome, and had the time of our young lives! I rode my first roller coaster, and they got to experience some American carnival food. It was amazing.

The Top 10 songs that made me who I am today!

Tonight's post is another exciting top ten list :)

Tonight's post is all about the music. Tonight's post is the Top ten songs that made me who I am today. I am really excited about this one! Enjoy the videos below! :)

One. I will always love you by Whitney Houston. This one is fairly obvious. It is the song that inspired my name  and is sung by my namesake. This song is a beautiful respresentation of a lot of my friendships/relationships. It's basically saying that the memories will live on, and some element of love will always be there, but it's time to let go. Definitely moving. Definitely powerful. It's a classic that I'd confidently say that a lot of people know.

http://youtu.be/3JWTaaS7LdU

Two. Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus. Now this one, dear reader, is the most annoying song on the planet. But let me tell you, I have listened to it HUNDREDS of times over the course of my lifetime. This song is what started my love of country music, and as cheesy as it is, when that songs starts to play, it's almost impossible not to smile. Am I wrong? 

http://youtu.be/byQIPdHMpjc

Three. We Are the Champions sung by the one and only Freddy Mercury. This song is the one and only song that reminds me of ALL of my years of softball. We would win tournament after tournament and my dad would always play this stupid song. Ha! It's another one that puts a smile on my face every single time I hear it.

http://youtu.be/hSTivVclQQ0

Four. I Dreamed A Dream from the iconic broadway musical Les Miserables. This song is all about how you can think your life is one way. You can think your life is settled. And then life happens, everything changes. It's about the dream that there's a better life out there for yourself, even in the midst of terrible times. It's inspiring, and beautifully sung. The video below is the version from the Anne Hathaway motion picture version of Les Mis.

http://youtu.be/dD-w_dZ0iao

Five. Jesus Lead On. This one has been redone by a few different people, but my favorite version is the one that Saddleback Church did many moons ago. This song is the epitomy of my faith. It IS my "come to Jesus moment" as it were. I remember sitting in Room 100 at Canyon Ridge, and hearing this song. It was the first time a song, any song really, had impacted my life in any way. That was the night I truly understand what Jesus had done in my life, and ever since, it's been a favorite of mine.

This is the Saddleback version.

http://youtu.be/5HiHgy8r8FA

Six. Uptown Girl by Billy Joel. I just love this song. This was the wong that taught me all about harmonies, and made me really start thinking about the technical side of singing. It's not just words put to music. There's more to it, and this song showed me that. :)

http://youtu.be/hCuMWrfXG4E

Seven. Count Your Blessings by The Martins. I can't really explain why I love this accapela classic, but you should take a listen and see for yourself!! Such a great song!!

http://youtu.be/3EoiHMKQxa4

Eight. Always by Kristian Stanfield. I have written a blog post entirely devoted to this song before, but it's just amazing. It's an awesome reminder of God "always" being there for us, no matter what life's sassy side throws at ya!

http://youtu.be/hk-BIVVUIW8

Nine. Oh Holy Night. Really, any version of this song is my favorite. It's lyrically one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Here is one of my favorite versions.

http://youtu.be/Dbf2IbLNVgo

Ten. Amazing Grace. This song literally encompasses a sinner's journey into salvation. It's perfect.

http://youtu.be/iT88jBAoVIM

10 places I want to visit, but haven't yet. (Includes pictures!!)

Tonight's post is all about the world.

Tonight's Top 10 list is "The Top 10 places I want to go, but haven't yet".

One. Mount Rushmore. Is this weird? I don't know. Ha! I've just always wanted to visit. The patriot in me feels like it's one of the places everyone should see at least once.

Two. The Louvre. This would be a definite life-highlight.I have an overwhelming, though probably unknown love of the art and history world. It has been my fream since I first found out this joint existed, to go and enjoy and learn. 

Three.  Sydney, Australia. This one is fairly common, I think. I feel like quite a few people want to visit this country/continent. There are so many fun things to see and do. There are strange animals, foods and let's not forget those accents!! 

Four. A farm. This, I'm sure, sounds stupid. But I want to spend a week or two on a working farm. I think it would be challenging, but at the end, totally worthwhile. Life goal for sure!

Five. A broadway stage. I don't have any desire to actually be on broadway. I don't have the talent anyway, but I couldn't take the pressure!! But you know what? I think taking fifteen minutes and singing a song or two on an empty broadway stage in front of hundreds of empty seats would be the dream of a lifetime coming true.

Six. The Autobahn. this legendary freeway in Germany is known for it's basically non-existant speed limits, and it's "open road" type feeling. I think this would be epically awesome to drive on or be a passenger on. 

Seven. This one is again, cliche. But I want to visit the Eiffel Tower. Look at the picture below... Need I say more?

Eight. Egypt. I realize that this isn't the greatest time to visit Egypt, but ever since I was a kid, I've just wanted to go. I've always been fascinated be the tombs and the pyramids and everything else. I will go there someday when things settle down!! :)

Nine. China. From what I've seen on TV, and heard from stories from those who've gotten to go, this is one place I have to visit! The scenery is beautiful. The food is supposedly awesome. The technology is beyond compare. I'm pretty dang excited for this one.

Ten. Antarctica. This one sounds stupid I'm sure, but wouldn't it be neat to visit a place where people can't even really live? The beauty in the ice and the snow and the water. God's beauty found in an unlikely place.

I realize that the majority of this list is going to be expensive to visit. It's going to take a lot of time and finance planning, but you know what? It's worth it. Look back over the pictures! God's mystery and beauty found all around the world.

Ten things you may not know about me.

Tonight's blog is going to be interesting.

How well do you think you know me, sweet reader? Well, tonight's blog will test your knowledge! 

Tonight's blog... Ten things you may not know about me.

One. My favorite color is charoal grey. I know that it sounds a bit boring, but I think it's beautiful. A large  chunk of my clothing is charcoal grey. Is is because UNLV's color are scarlett and grey (all day)? Eh, who knows... but it's my favorite.

Two. When I get nervous, I tend to stutter when I speak. I don't know why this is. I didn't used to do it actually. It's just something that's developed in the past year or so. I hadn't really noticed it all that much, but someone pointed it out to me, so I notice all the time now! Ha! So, whenever I meet someone new or talk to someone with any kind of authority, I lose my words!

Three. I am absolutely terrified of having children. I joke about it all the time, but I'm usually saying my true feelings. I am just flat out scared. I amd scared of the pain of actually HAVING a baby. I'm scared that I'm not going to be a good enough parent. I feel like I'm going to make choices that just aren't the right ones for my kids. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE kids. I especially love OTHER PEOPLE'S kids ha! I see them every single day, but I don't know if I can get over this and ever actually have my own. Would I be a decent parent? I have no idea.

Four. I really want to move, but I don't know if I really can. I feel like I am being called to leave Las Vegas, and start up life in another place, but if I'm being honest, I don't know if I can! I have grown up in Las Vegas, and as much as leaving here and starting a new adventure sounds amazing, I am scared! What if I can't make it? What if I can't find a job? What if I don't make any friends? Too many unanswered questions...

Five. Since my dad died a couple Christmases ago, I'm pretty sure I have beccome a low-grade hoarder. I've talked to a couple of, in my opinion, knowledgable people who have told me that it's fairly common for people who have experienced great loss to grow unhealthy attachments to inanimate things. I'm pretty sure that's what's happened to me. I feel like I should get some intensive counselling about this, but not really sure where to start.

Six. I absolutely CAN NOT drink room temperature or hot water. It has to be ice-cold, or my gag reflex says "heck no"! I don't know what the deal is here... but I just can't. Ha!

Seven. When I was a little kid, I honestly believed I was adopted. I felt like I didn't look like anyone in my family. I didn't like the same foods or TV shows. I didn't have to same build or the same sense of humor. I just genuinely convinced myself that I must've been adopted from some random place. OBVIOUSLY that is not true. If you've seen my mom, as much as I try to deny it, we look exactly the same.

Eight. My favorite fruit is pineapple. When I was a little kid, I "hated" pineapple. Generally, when I say I don't like someone, 9 time out of 10, I haven't even tried it. SO, when I tried pineapple for the first time shortly before my 22nd birthday, I fell in love. I can't get enough. Grilled, chilled, frozen... I just love it.

Nine. I love Broadway Musicals, and if I could only listen to their sound tracks for the rest of my life, I'd probably be just fine. I think this statement stands on it's own. Ha! I think it's because I've seccretly always dreamed of performing on a broadway stage, but never had the talent or the guts. Ha! But I absolutely love belting the sound tracks in my car! I LOVE putting on shows for the drivers in the great city of Las Vegas. I've gotten some strange looks, and some epic smiles, but I wouldn't change my musical preference for anything. 

Ten. My biggest fear USED TO BE not being able to smile on my wedding day. Let me explain. I had the teeth of a violent hockey player. I mean, they were just lousy. So, that being said, I was pretty dang positive if I ever actually GOT married, I wouldn't be able to smile in my wedding photos, and that was depressing! But now that they've been fixed, my confidence has changed, and I look forward to one day being able to smile in these iconic-type pictures that I'll look at for years to come.

10 Authors that Inspire Me.

Tonight's blog is one that I've been excited about writing for a while now.

I'm mildly addicted to Buzzfeed. If someone posts a Top 10 list, no mstter what it's about, I generally read it. SO, for the next ten days, I will be writing "Top 10" lists.

Tonight's adventure?

Top 10 authors that inspire me.

JD Salinger. My favorite book in the entire world is Catcher in the Rye. It's one of the first classics I ever read, and I've loved it ever since. Holden's life adventure is unbelievably relatable. Bah! Love it!

Paul. Home boy wrote basically the whole New Testament. Can it get any better?

William Shakespeare. Remember those weeks in high school where all you did in your 6th period english class was read play after play written by Billy Shakespeare? I remember , and I loved every minute of it. Call it a touch of nerdiness, but It's just awesome.

Kyra Davis. She writed on of my favorite "chick lit" series, and when I'm having a long day, or if I've been reading a lot of heavy material, it's nice to pick up something light and funny.

J.R.R. Tolkien.Lord of the Rings. The end. Ha!

Edgar Allan Poe. With this one, I don't like everything he's written. I just have a love for his way with words. His description through his writing painted SUCH an interesting picture! The unnamed narrator in my favorite of his stories "The Tell-Tale Heart", does such an great job convincing the reader of his sanity, while clearly describing a murder he committed. Creepy yet awesome.

Lois Lowry. Lois is on my list, simply because of the book The Giver. This is my other favorite book. I've probably read it over 50 times with no exaggeration. If you haven't read it, do.

R.L.Stien. Anyone remember this guy? He wrote the "Goosebumps" series that most of us read as kids! He started my love for all things horror. I love scary movies, books and everything in between, simply becaue these stories piqued my interest.

F. Scott Fitzgerald. Great Gatsby. Need I say more?

And last but not least, Dr. Seuss.

In an age where everything is on a screen and people tend to get disconnected from the world around them, people are genuinely forgetting about books.

Read good books.

I am genuinely tired of people dying.

Tonight's post won't be especially long. 

Today I found out that my uncle, my dad's brother, died. 

I'm not taking it very well. I'm realistic in knowing that part of this emense sadness is relating to my dad. 

I know this sounds selfish...

But I am really REALLY tired of people in my life dying. Like, I'm really tired of it. 

It hurts too dang much. 

A few fleeting seconds.

That moment. 

When you first wake up in the morning, you open your eyes and breathe. Your turn off your alarm, and for a split second everything in the world is perfect. No problems exist yet. No issues have risen up and changed the dynamics of your day to day routine. 

I was having a conversation today with someone, talking about our dads. This friend of mine asked me if it ever gets easier, and I responded with a confident "no". 

But that moment... That fleeting few seconds when you first wake up to a new day... You really do forget your problems. 

There are a few of those fleeting seconds every morning when I forget. I forget that my person is gone. My person that I could say anything to and bounce ideas off of is gone. Yes, he's with Jesus and that's super. But that doesn't help the pain. It doesn't help that shortly after those perfect few seconds, reality hits and I remember. I remember that he's gone. 

What makes you happy?

Tonight I was texting a friend of mine, and we were having a conversation about what makes us happy.

Have you thougt about that lately? 

It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day struggles of life. Work. Family. Money. Everything in the world tends to preoccupy our thoughts, even when those same aspects of life are making your life miserable.

But what makes you happy? What, at the end of a long, tiring day, makes you smile?

I love thinking about this. I will admit, sometimes I tend to look on the pecimistic side of things, but this is one of the blogs I've been waiting to write!

Let's talk about some of the things that make me happy...

Christmas lights. Is there anything more joyous? In my opinion, nope. An instant smile crawls across my face every time I see those tiny bulbs snap to life every season. And to be perfectly honest... It is February something, and I still have my Christmas tree up in my room. Don't judge me.

Glee. Please don't judge my love of this show. I have watched this series since it's beginning, and I have loved every minute of it. Everyone has that one special show that they have unhealthily emotionally invested in. Glee is mine. The characters. The story lines. The songs. I don't even care that everyone else in my life thinks Glee is the lamest thing in the world. I still love it. #gleek

Traveling. I get SO excited and SO nervous every time I travel. Whether it's up the St. George to Cracker Barrell or to Glorieta for camp or to Mexico to rebuild a church or to Georgia to meet a whole group of people I've ever only heard about. I love the adventure, but I am terrified of the unknown. It's confusing, I know. But trust me... It's basically the best thing ever.

Writing this blog. When I started this life story on a web page, I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. I've always enjoyed writing. I've been told that I have a certain knack for it, but I've never really had the desire to make it a full time thing. Now that I am a month and a half into this Blog 365 thing, I have never been happier. I am becoming a better writer every day. I am now read in countries I haven't even heard of, and I feel like I am enjoying the chance to get my thoughts out into the world.

Those are a few of the things that make me happy.

What makes you smile?

Life is good

Today was a day of peacefulness. 

Keeping it simple tonight. 

Life is good. 

Why can't I take a compliment?

Today I had a very real discussion with someone about my inability to take a compliment. 

One of our preschool parents has become a friend of mine. I see him in bible study during the week and at church on the weekend. And this week, I saw him at choir rehearsal on Wednesday night. 

Today we were talking about the impending worship set this weekend, and I was telling him that I'm a bit nervous. He responds by telling me that I have no need to be nervous. That God has blessed me with a special gift, and that it's my responsibility to use it to further the Kingdom. 

All of these things are really nice things to say to someone. 

In response to these kind words, I begin to criticize my voice, and verbally doubting my ability to help lead worship in big church this weekend. 

He looks at me, leans down on the front counter and says the following...

"Look at me. God gave you a gift. It's your job to use it, and I am trying to tell you that I appreciate your gift. Can you let me pay you a compliment?" And then smiled and walked away. 

What is my issue? I love to sing. I love to sing in front of people. Even when I am so nervous that I think I may throw up... I still love to sing. And for me to question my God given talent is wrong. 

Bring it on. 

I just don't understand.

Today I was talking to one of the moms at my preschool, and she told me the most horrific story. She works at an elementary school in town, and had a three year old boy brought into the office with a huge bruise on his cheek. Upon inspection of him and his younger sister, they were covered in bruises and burn marks. Obviously CPS was called and the situation is being handled. 

I just don't understand. I don't understand how someone could get to the point where they think hurting a child is okay. How in this world could someone believe that a defenseless little person deserves something like that. 

Just thinking about this breaks my heart. 

I just don't understand :/

Choir

Tonight I went to choir practice. 

So many emotions as the night unfolded. 

It was SO much fun to be surrounded by people who love music! Using all that music theory I learned for all those years! It felt amazing! 

Then, toward the end, Ms. Sheila asked who wanted could be around all weekend, and be the "praise band" aka the ones who help Mark lead the musical aspects of the service. 

I don't know what made my hand go up!

But I am scared as crap. That's a lot of people, and a lot of pressure haha. 

I'm nervous but excited. 

I'll let y'all know how it goes!

Check back sweet reader!

Immunizations

Tonight, I went to dinner with some friends and we got on to the topic of immunizations. 

This is a hot button issue in America today. There are a lot of people out there who believe that immunizing their child will cause autism or ADHD or other things. 

I think this is insane. 

First off, there's no medical report that supports this. But there are people out there that believe that immunizing their babies will actually cause something "wrong" with them? I'm sorry, but people have been getting immunized long before this sudden outbreak off ADHD and autism.

Now, don't get me wrong, I realize that ADHD and autism are difficult thing to deal with. I've seen it in kids that I've worked with over the year, and I can only imagine what it would be like to have my own child struggle with those diseases.

But I'm sorry, I don't believe for a second that preventing deadly diseases have suddenly started causing those kinds of changes in the brain. 

Commitment issues???

If you've read my blog for any extended period of time, you'll know that when I drive home at night, I tend to talk out loud... Not a prayer exactly. Just a chat with Jesus I guess. 

So during tonight's chat, I had a revelation. 

I was thinking about relationships. Not romantic relationships, thought they might be part of this too, but I'm thinking about friendships mostly. 

I have always been a social person. I don't really have a tough time talking to new people or anything like that, but I have a hard time cultivating friendships. I don't know why this is, but I know it's unfortunately true. When a friendship gets too personal or too stressful, or even just too... Deep, I'm out. I bail. 

It sounds dramatic, but it's true! 

I don't really have friends from my childhood left anymore. I am "friends" with them on Facebook... But I'm not actually FRIENDS with them. I don't talk to them very often, if ever. I don't see them on any kind of regular basis.

Now, I do have a few good friends in my life right now, that I know will be around for a good long time.

Hm...

I don't really know where I was going with this blog post tonight. Just something I've noticed about myself. I don't keep friends really well. Apparently it's some kind of commitment issues. Ha.

I don't really know how to end this post except to say that this is something I plan on working on.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day that I pay off everything for my trip to Georgia. 

I will be leaving and spending ten days in my favorite place with some awesome people! And I am excited!

I can not wait until I step off the plane and see that Augusta tree line!

It makes me smile just thinkin about it. 

I am counting down the days...

The Breakfast Club

I'm sitting here watching the 80's cult classic "The Breakfast Club", and analyzing my life.

Every time I watching movies, I compare it to myself and my life and my story.

This movie is one of the most well known movies of all time. Five high school kids get locked up in a Saturday detention, and get to know each other and themselves over the course of a nine hour time lapsed day. They're given an assignment to write an essay about who they think they are. 

Have you ever thought about that question? 

Who are you?

What defines you?

What or who made you who you are?

Are you a "good person"? 

How does the world see you?

Do you base you actions on what others will think of you?

Are there certain people in your life who's opinions of you matter more than others?

Why? Why do people's opinions of you matter? Should they? Should they not? I feel like this is something I stress about constantly. 

I know that the right thing is that people's opinions should matter but not dictate our actions.

That's what I think.

People are always going to judge what you do and what you say. Always. But they're opinions shouldn't be what dictates your life. But somehow, it does. 

Just something to think about.

I don't know why eighties movies are so thought provoking.