Last words

Dear reader,

I am in the middle of watching "How I Met Your Mother". I know the show is long since over, but I am trekking my way through what seems like an endless supply of episodes.

I have watched a few episodes today, but one of them was heavier than the average half hour sitcom. There's a character on the show named Marshall, and in tonight's episode, Marshall's dad died. In the episode, Marshall had a voice mail from his dad, left on the day he passed away and Marshall was FREAKING OUT. Once he listened to the voice mail, whatever his dad said, those would be his dad's last words to him.

Have you ever thought about that? 

Think about the last week of your life... I mean really think about it... I'll wait.

Is everything that you've said to people been uplifting? Has every comment you've made, phrase that's escaped your lips been productive or helpful in some way? Has it been loving?

Let me just have a real moment here, sweet reader, my answer would undoubtedly be heck no! I've never really been overly concerned with the thought of "last words", but as I sit here thinking about it, I start to worry. What's the last thing I said to you, dear reader? There's no one on my friends list that I don't know in real life. I don't have an "internet friends", so it's time to think back...

What's the last thing I said to you? Was it positive? Was it rude or sarcastic? Was it sassy? Was it sweet?

I guess the point of this post is to reiterate what our parents have been telling us since we were kids...

Think before you speak

Because the next thing you say to someone could be the last thing you say to someone. 

Make it count.

Be still

As I was driving home tonight, I was giving some more thought to something that was brought to my attention yesterday during that meeting I mentioned in yesterday's post. The person I was meeting with is one of my favorites. I truly value what he has to say, and because he's known me longer than almost anyone in my life, I tend to follow the advice he gives me.

So, during yesterday's meeting, I was telling this wise friend of mine about this new new life I've begun. I talked about my new job, and my overall new chapter of life that I've just started writing. At the end of it all, I told him a realization that I'm not really happy.

My life has drastically improved in the past 365 days. Last year at this time, I was a MESS. I was basically homeless, and having some sort of early midlife crisis. The worst part of that adventure is that I told absolutely NO ONE. The people at the preschool had no idea that my life was in a downward spiral. Now, a year later, I have a job I've always wanted, I have a coupleoftop notch friends, and I have a goal for my immediate future.

But I'm not happy.

I'm not really sure what my issue is. I can't pin point one definite thing that's making me feel so "down" about life. Am I just not letting myself be happy? Does that even make sense? I know this is something I do, because I have noticed that I will intentionally listen to sad songs or watch sad movies. Isn't that insane? Why would a sane person CHOOSE to engage in sad things? 

I think I'm sounding like I'm anything but sane. 

I say this all the time, but I think I'm a little bit broken. 

BUT

The point of this long, drawn out blog post is the advice I received during yesterday's chit chat adventure. My friend told me to just "be still". 

Quit looking ahead. Quit wondering what's next. Quit worrying about every little thing.

Just be still. Enjoy life as it is. 

Be still. Let God tell you what's next when HE is ready, not when YOU think the time is right.

This is going to be tough for me, but I'm up for anything. 

Let's give it a go.

Check back, sweet reader! I'll keep you posted!!

It's time to learn about myself...

Do you ever question where your life is heading? 

I'm in a weird place in my life, and today I had a conversation with someone that, I think, is going to help me get through it.

I quit my job. I had been working at Shadow Hills for a long time, and I loved almost every minute of it. My technical work hours were 9:30 am to 6:00 pm Monday through Friday, but because of the amount of things I was needing to get done every week, I'd come in at like 8:30 in the morning and stay until 7:00 or later at night. I'd also spend a great deal of time there on Saturdays and Sundays. It was a lot of work, but the way I viewed it, it was for the betterment of the Preschool, and it was my part in furthering the kingdom. I couldn't have loved my job any more! Well, sweet reader, I'm sure you're sitting there wondering where the problem was? 

Well, I was burned out. I spent more than the majority of my waking hours on that campus, and it got to the point where I would skip Sunday church and Tuesday night bible studies because I just COULD NOT spend any more time on the grounds of Shadow Hills. It was insane.

So, I put in my notice, and I quit.

I was offered a job at a K-12 Charter School, Quest Prep Academy. It's an amazing position with someone of the greatest staff members and kids I've ever worked with. It's definitely been a change... We had some high schoolers on campus this week taking their proficiency exams, and it was interesting being around "big kids". I've been with nothing but small children for YEARS. It's a whole new world, but I am loving every minute of it.

SO, the point of this whole story is to tell you, my dear reader, is to tell you why my life is in this weird place. Like I said, I used to stay at the Preschool until all hours. I had almost NO social life, and I got settled into that life. I had gotten used to it. Well, now I get off at 3 every day, and I have a lot of free time. I mean, a LOT. I know you're asking yourself... What's the issue? 

The issue, devoted reader, is that I don't know what to DO with the free time. I was talking to someone today, and I was told to get a hobby. Find something to fill this free time. Well, dear reader, I don't have hobbies. I don't collect anything. I don't really know WHAT I like to do...

I honestly think that I'm stressed about this "new life" I've begun because I don't really know myself. My life has only ever been valuable (in my eyes) when I was serving other people. I have always been the type to make sure everyone else was happy, and I found my own version of happiness IN that service.

I think I have a little mess on my hands here.

I now have the time. I think it's time to learn about myself.

The reason I hate weddings...

Today was not my favorite day.

Today was a hectic day at work. One of the more hectic days we have had in a long while.

Today was also the wedding of two people I truly care about. The Hendrix wedding, as it has been hashtagged, has been the talk of Shadow Hills for weeks, and today was the day. I couldn't go to the ceremony because of work, but I was so excited for the reception. A relaxing night with friends and family is just what I've been needing.

So I get in my car, and get all set to drive over, and for whatever reason, I freeze. I start thinking about the night that lay ahead, and I look out across the "big grass" and see my fabulous friends taking their wedding pictures. They looked just amazing.

But as I sat there in my car, I got to thinking about the same things that always cross my mind before a wedding, and that is the DREADED father/daughter dance. I've seen one of these dances since my dad died, and it was almost worse than the moment he died.

So I decided that I would have to skip the reception... I was driving home, and rationalizing skipping this event. And then I turned around. I drove over to the reception site (our friend's house), and wandered in.

I didn't stay long. I couldn't. But I saw Kelsey in her amazing dress and Nick and his matching groomsmen. It was a beautiful night full of beautiful people. Like I said, I couldn't stay. Most weddings tend to have the dreaded dance, and I didn't want to chance it tonight.

Will this feeling, this fear ever subside? I stopped posting on my blog for a while (Hopefully you've noticed, sweet reader) because someone told me that I post about my dad too much and I became self conscious. But tonight, he's all I can think about. That noticeably awkward moment that will be missing from my wedding sometime in the future.

The thought of not being able to have that moment makes me cry the instant I think about it.

Someday I hope that changes.

I won't pray for that

Today someone asked me to pray for healing for someone they know. Is it rude that I responded with "I'll pray for God's will in the situation"?? 

On a daily basis, people ask me to pray for them in some way. A family member is sick. They're having troubles at work. Whatever the case may be. It happens every day. 

But I can't bring my self to pray for healing or safety or anything like that. Is it selfish to pray for the outcome you want I a situation when maybe that's not the ultimate plan? Is it wrong to pray for healing when maybe it's someone's special time to go hang with Jesus? Is it questioning God to ask for counsel from others before you ask advice from the One who created you? Is it proactive to moan and groan about being single? 

I won't pray that you're healed, but I'll pray for His will to be done. I won't pray for you to get the dream job, but I will pray for your patience and your peace! I won't pray for you to find the love of your life tomorrow, but I will pray that you find happiness in your life, as is, and that when you're ready, if that's the plan, that you find someone amazing. 

If you ask me, I will always pray for you,though it may not be the way you'd expected. 

God will work out everything the way it supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason. Even the bad things! Embrace it. Learn from it. 

Everything will be okay. 

And I will fear no evil

Today I am giving a lot of thought and prayer time to the idea of fear. 

We shall see where this leads.. 

Worrying is a sin.

Did you know that? 

Well, I've been worrying (aka sinning) a lot lately, especially this week. 

We weren't promised an easy life right?

Who's my favorite superhero?

Can we talk about how freakin excited I am for tomorrow? 

It's costume day at the preschool, and I am dressing up as my very favorite superhero. 

The kids are going to love it! 

Check Instagram tomorrow to find out the answer to the mystery!!

Nutshell (edited)

Today was a very long day. 

Parts of it were good. Parts of it weren't. 

I got to sing at church this weekend, and it went better than I'd hoped. I was very pleased, and more importantly, it brought the glory to the One who deserves it. 

Then I went over to the preschool and set up for this week's many adventures. It's going to be a long one, busy with lots of activities but totally worth the struggle. 

Then I had a collegiate leader meetingwhereafter  I got a phone call that tookmy afternoon into an unhappy place.

Sometimes it takes the actions or the words of one or two people to confirm what you've really known all along. 

I'm home now, resting and gearing up for the busyness that will ensue when my alarm clock rings tomorrow morning. 

Side story: when I was in Georgia last week, I met a lot of people, and became better friends with those I'd already met. Tonight,  and the end of a long and tiring day, a smile was brought to my face through a phone call. There's nothing that will snap me out of a bad mood faster than a thick southern accent. 

Goodnight 

Tonight

Tonight I am missing Georgia. 

The scenery. 

The old friends who grew closer. 

The new friends I met. 

I miss it all, so much it aches. 

I've lost my voice.

Today, my two fellow teachers and I took 22 rowdy kindergarteners to the bird sanctuary, wherein I lost my voice. 

It isn't completely gone. Probably 65 percent or so. Barely audible, but no pain, which is good!

The downside is that tomorrow at 10 am, I have rehearsal for the Easter play. And then I have been given the opportunity to sing in big church, as a solo piece, for the very first time. 

I am excited and nervous, as expected, but I am anxious more so about my throat and my voice. 

Prayers are appreciated. 

Ft. Hood (My opinion)

Tonight's post may not be the most popular of opinions, but it's something I was thinkin about today. 

Specialist Lopez, the man who shot up Ft. Hood the other day, is one of the most talked about men in America right now. 

I have a few thoughts about the events of the other day. 

Obviously, Specialist Lopez is a man with issues. Let me start by saying that I am IN NO WAY condoning what he did. Not at all. 

Did you know that one in eight soldiers returns home from deployment now-a-days with PTSD? Think about this. One in eight people. And think about this! Do you think that every soldier that comes back from deployment that MAY have PTSD will actually admit that and go in for treatment? I don't! Anyone who knows people who serve their country should know that they are a proud people who aren't easily going to admit that they have a problem. I think that CNN's statistic of 1 in 8 is a safe guess. I think PTSD affects a lot of our military men and women. Specialist Lopez had been diagnosed with severe PTSD because he served our country in Iraq. 

Again I will say that I am not saying what he did was right or justifiable. What I AM saying is that he was a very sick man who, in serving our country and protecting our family, made a poor decision with his actions. 

I am sorry to the families of the fallen soldiers, and I am praying for those in recovery with injuries. 

But you know what? 

At the end of the day, I am praying for the Lopez family as well. Their son, brother and friend is being blasted on the news as this terribly horrible person, when what he did happened because of a disease he got protecting me and mine. 

What he did was wrong. 

Four soldiers are now dead, and more than a dozen are injured. 

Being paralyzed by PTSD does not excuse away his behavior. 

But painting him as some sort of serial killer isn't right either. 

Pray for the injured, and pray for the families of those who died. 

All of them. 

Happy Wednesday.

Oh my heck!

Today was such a long day. Ha!

I am singing in the Easter Production coming up in a couple of weeks, and did some rehearsal today. The song I'm singing is coming along pretty well thanks to Liz and Ms. Sheila. 

I can't quite get back on to a Nevada sleep schedule. I got so tired at like 8 tonight. Apparently my body is still on Georgia time haha. 

I suppose I should be productive and go to my vacation laundry. 

Have a happy Wednesday evening y'all!

Crossfit? Ha!

Today I had a conversation with one of the preschool moms that made me laugh. 

This mom, G, is SUPER in shape. She does the crossfit program at a place down the street from the preschool, and because of her size and known athletic ability, I'm sure she's amazing at it. 

We were talking about my desire to eat better and get into (much) better shape. She responded back with "oh! You should come do crossfit with me! It's so fun! You get an awesome work out!"

I almost died laughing. 

I am a big kid. I have been oversized for literally as long as I can remember. 

There is no way on God's green earth that I am going to be able to do crossfit. 

She says you take it at your own pace, and it's all about figuring out how many reps you think you can do, of whatever exercise, and doing one more than that. 

So, I agreed to go. They have a free trial thing, so I agreed to torture myself and try it. 

What can go wrong right? 

#thismaynotgowell

Apparently I look like some kind of terrorist...

I just had the event of a lifetime at the Atlanta Airport's security check point. 

To set the scene, I am wearing jean capris, grey tank top and a maroon shirt. I intentionally dress simply when flying to avoid any hassle at the security counter. 

Today I was not so lucky 

Apparently, today I look like some sort of international terrorist. 

They pulled me out of line, brought the bucket with my stuff and moved me over to a private area. There were three TSA agents, and they patted me down literally from head to toe. They decided that wasn't good enough. 

Then they took me into a little room, far from the prying eyes of the hundred or so people watching the security spectacle. 

They then proceeded to pat me down again and take everything out of my carry on bag. They then released me to my gate with no further explanation. 

The contents of my carry on were as follows:

My iPad (which is removed like a laptop)

Two chargers (phone and iPad) 

Small light sweatshirt type jacket. 

My wallet

My boarding pass

People magazine

No liquids. No Chapstick. Not even gum. 

I don't understand, and that was embarrassing  

Southern Adventure - Season Finale

Tonight we went to Cracker Barrel for my "going away" dinner, and it was sad. The food was great as always, and the service and company was perfect, but at the end of dinner, the goodbyes began. 

Over the last three hours, I've said goodbye to all of my southern friends after being here for almost two weeks. 

As I walked away from the Jones residence tonight, it was like an instant depression. 

Yes, whenever a vacation is over, a certain sadness happens when it's time to go back home and face the real world. 

That's not what this is. 

This is the feeling of leaving home. Being here, living here for the past 11 days has been the most amazing adventure. I wake up and feel like I've been here my whole life. 

It's interesting how God puts something on your heart. I guess when you find a direction you're being lead, you should follow that direction huh?

Decisions decisions. 

Meanwhile, tomorrow I head home, sad and unprepared. 

Goodnight loved ones. 

Southern Adventure Day 8.

The adventure is about to begin. 

Today is Clinton's 24th birthday, so tonight we are going "downtown" to see the sights and visit a few bars. I feel like the night is going to be a night of stories, memories and inside jokes. 

The past couple of days have been a whirlwind. I've been to some truly southern restaurants and eaten some truly southern food. I've been criticized for the movies I haven't seen (aka Forest Gump) and I feel like at the end of it all, I've officially been inducted into this new group of friends. 

I won't lie. When I first met my Georgia friends, I was pretty convinced that I'd always be an outsider. 

This trip has proven me wrong, and I'm loving every minute of it. 

I am sad that my trip is drawing to a close. I can't believe that in a couple of days, I'll be leaving this state to go back to regular life. I've been here so long, that waking up here FEELS normal. I feel like wakin up in Las Vegas on Tuesday will feel... Wrong. 

#stressedout 

#makingdecisions

#anythingispossible 

#bigchangesonthehorizon

Muppets Most Wanted

Can we talk about my love for Muppet movies? Today I went to see Muppets Most Wanted, the latest Muppet movie franchise, and it was so cute! 

It was a musical, as a lot of Muppet movies are, and it had a SLEW of famous people cameos. 

I'd definitely recommend this movie. 

My southern adventure is almost over.

I have had a decent day of reflection today on this vacation. I have a lot of things going on in life, and I am excited and nervous. 

Goodnight loved ones. 

I have a lot of blogs on the horizon. 

EXHAUSTED

Today was a long and wonderful day. 

But I will write about it tomorrow. 

I am EXHAUSTED. 

#southernadventure2014