Stressed Out

Tonight's post is short but sweet.

I'm attempting to pack for Powder Palooza tomorrow, and I am overwhelmed. I'm to the point where I just don't want to go anymore. :(   I'm going. Obviously. But between packing, getting up in the morning, getting there and everything else.... I'm just stressed.

Honesty Post

I am nervous for Powder Palooza.

I am excited, and I know that it's all going to be fine BUT...

I am nervous about the altitude. I tend to get really sick in high altitudes, so I need to remember to relax and stay hydrated (which I'm horrible about)

I am nervous for everyone who's snowboarding and skiing. I'm hoping and praying that no one gets seriously injured :(  This is just the "mom" in me.

That's about it I guess. I know everything will work out, and I know everything will be okay. I'm just a tad nervous :(     (or a lot nervous)

Stoked.

Today was a day of firsts for me.

This afternoon, we had our first worship workshop, and I am SO excited about all the new and exciting adventure that God has planned for us. There's a lot planned and a great vision in place, and I couldn't be happier!

Then, post-meeting, Kate and I went to McGhee's for the first time. McGhee's is a biking/skiing/snow boarding store, that sells and rents equipment to outdoor-sy people. This store is just amazing. The guys who run it are just amazing, and they took so much time answering our questions!! Anywho. Today I bought my first pair of snow boots! They're completely waterproof, and really stinkin' cute!

THEN

Kate and I went to Tar-jey (aka Target) and bought thermals and cute sweat pants to wear around the cabin...

Today was just a good day.

The last time I remember REALLY crying.

With the group of friends that most of my free time is spent with, there is a running joke that I have no soul. I was born without one, without tear ducts as well. The running joke is that I am inexplicably unable to cry.

I'm not 100% sure when this happened, but for tonight's post, I've been challenge to relive the last moment I remember REALLY crying. Not a few tears, but REALLY crying.

Buckle up kids. This may be a sad one.

Okay. So, if you've been reading my blog for an period of time, you know that my dad now lives with Jesus. He died Christmas of 2010 due to pneumonia and a host of other issues. He's in a better place, and I am healing one day at a time. That's semi-sad, but I want to paint you a picture of the last day I saw him.

I took  a day off work. Tuesday to be specific. My dad was at St. Rose hospital out in Henderson, in hospice care, and we all knew it was nearing the end. There was a point in the early afternoon where my dad was sleeping. He was pretty heavily sedated... propofol...morphine... the good stuff. My brother and I sat in the recliners in the room, and the nurse walked in. She was one of the best nurses we'd had in our six month hospital rotation, but when she walked in with a clipboard full of forms, I knew the time had come.

There's nothing in the world more sobering than those forms... the conversation. We woke my dad up, and asked him point blank what he wanted to do. Did he want to keep fighting? The doctors had told us there was no hope, but if he wanted to keep fighting, we would've. He said he was ready to give up the fight. He was in so much pain, you could literally see it all over his face. We put him back into sedation, and my brother and I had the conversation. My dad was so drugged at that point that he didn't have any power of attorney at that point, we did. His care, his future, his life was all in the hands of me and my brother, Nicholas. 

I was selfish that day. I wasn't ready. I don't know how I really ever could've been, but I knew I just wasn't ready to have him be gone from our world forever. When I told my brother this, he cried, asking me what I wanted to do. He was leaving it up to me. Everything. Every decision was apparently up to a 21 year old girl too emotionally distraught to even know what day it was. We decided the time had come to sign the papers. Give him morphine, but stop all mechanical help with breathing. Basically, whenever God was ready for my dad, he could have him with no fight from us.

That was the last time I remember crying. 

I didn't cry at the funeral. Everyone else was, and I was so... bitter at that point. Looking back, it was just the grief, but I couldn't help but think "crying isn't going to bring him back you idiot. stop."

I hope, dear reader that I painted a vivid enough picture for you to see why I don't cry anymore. I don't cry at songs. I don't cry at movies or commercials or e-cards or anything else. After you've made the decision, even if you know it's God's plan, to end someone's life, crying at anything else seems... 

empty.

A little bit of insight

 This post isn't going to be deep in any way, shape or form. Haha. It's been a really long day, but I am REALLY excited about this blogging 365 adventure.

SO

Let's talk about something here. I have 3 favorite movies. I love lots of movies, but I have three favorites, all of which I've seen hundreds of times, and that's literally no exaggeration.

First is The First Wives Club. This movie starring Goldie Hawn, Bette Midler and Diane Keaton is all about finding a new sense of self when you feel like the world is crumbling all around you. It's an empowering movie with twists and turns... it's just... great.

Secondly, Sister Act 2. Now, the original Sister Act is good, but a group of underpriviledged, ghetto kids from the hood singing amazing songs about Jesus? What the heck! It's just fabulous.

And Lastly, Meet Me In St. Louis. It's a movie starring Judy Garland, and it's just amazing. I love any and all old movies, but Judy is just awesome. The story is sweet. The old-fashioned values and quirky sayings make me smile. 

If I'm having a bad day, or just need a musical moment, these movies take the cake.

I hope that this post has given you a little insight into who I am, and what I love :)

I'd love to know what your favorite movies are, and why!!!

Enjoy.

My influences.

Today someone asked me who was the biggest influence in my life.

Well, I have narrowed it down to the 3 that have changed my life the most. 

The first...

Mrs. Pehrson. She was my fifth grade teacher at R.E.Tobler elementary from 1999-2000, and she changed my life. I know it sounds random. Who really chooses someone who taught them in elementary school as that much of an influence. But she is the first teacher I remember who truly cared about her students. She is the one who gave me my love of all things math. She used to let me help grade afterschool, instead of going to safekey (because I literally hated it). We spent hours over the course of that school year talking about... just anything. She didn't know it at the time, but during that year, my grandma who lived with us died, and my heart was so broken that I thought I was going to die right along with her. Then shortly thereafter, my parents got divorced. Without her, I don't know what would've happened. I don't know if she even remembers those moments. She's taught for so long, and had so many kids cycle through her classrooms, but I had some of my best school memories in that classroom all because of her.

The second.

Richard Luna. He was my softball coach (in addition to my dad) for the younger years of my life, and I will never forget him. Yes, he taught me the fundamentals of softball. Yes, he made me "hit the pole" and run laps like you wouldn't believe. But he is more than that. He was the man that when I was pitching and BURNED OUT and just wanted to quit... He was the coach who wouldn't let me. He was the coach who was your best friend and your toughest critic. He drive us crazy, and made us love him at the exact same time.

The third.

George Baker. He was my US history teacher my junior year, and my Government and Street law teacher my senior year, and to him I am forever thanful. From him, I grew my love of history. He instilled in us that we needed to be informed. We needed to know where we came from to know where we were going. He taught me how to be a good American, and for that I will be forever thankful. 

I have a had a lot of people influence my life. It's hard to narrow down, and choose the people you think were the best of the best. But these three... in addition to my parents were the people who made me who I am today whether they knew it or not.

Thanks for reading.

Retrospect and a Promise

Well, dear reader, the year is now 2014, and everything seems different.

I've never quite felt the way I do right now. I feel like my whole world changed from one day to the next. I feel like life is finally coming together, and I feel like everything's finally going to be okay.

This past year was one of the best and worst all rolled into one, but I feel like I learned a lot. I grew as a person. I made new friends, and moved on from some old ones that weren't meant to be in my life any longer. I survived rough news and heartache. I made memories that are now engrained in who I am as a person, and I think I've come out of 2013 with a whole new sense of self.

I believe in a lot of things. I believe a lot of those cliche sayings are true, but none moreso than that good old line of "everything happens for a reason". I never understood this saying when I was a kid. I didn't understand how the God I was raised to know and love could let things like natural disasters and famine and murder, happen... I just couldn't get my mind around it.

Then something happend. My dad died. He ceased to exist on this earth. He ceased to exist in my life, and you know what, it was horrible. It was the worst thing that's ever happend to me, but on the other hand, it was one of the most important things to have ever happend in my life. I grew as a person. I learned about myself, about my friends and family, about the world around me... All because someone in my life was gone.

This past year was... normal.

It's funny. I just sat staring at my screen wondering what one word I'd choose to summarize my whole year, and my choice is normal. My year of 2013 was normal. Why you ask? Well, let's see...

I had lots of low moments this year. Friends died. Work was hard. Friends caused drama. Family was difficult. I made bad choices. I emotionally invested in things I shouldn't. I spent time doing things that weren't necessarily in my best interest.

But on the flipside...

I had a really great year. I made new friends. I connected with family members I didn't think I ever would. I thrived at my job, and learned to love it in whole new way. I had real conversations. I had tough conversations. I learned to walk away from drama as it's starting. I took a spur of the moment trip with no planning. (This was huge for me!) I flew alone! I moved on from things that were emtionally holding me back from being the person I'm meant to be.

I feel like I could go on and on, BUT, the point is that despite the really junky things that happend in the year of 2013, more wonderful and new things happend.

So, sweet reader, if you are still reading (Sorry it's so long tonight! Ha!), I am making a pledge, a promise, a resolution, if you will. I am going to blog every day. For the next 365 days (And probably many more after that) I will post about my life and the adventures in it. I will post about my thoughts on the world, world happenings, and all things news-worthy.

Get ready my friends.

It begins now.