I hate talking about feelings

If you've ever read my blog, or my Facebook or even my twitter, you know that I don't like talking about my feelings. Talking through them makes me unbearably uncomfortable and it lets people into my little private world.

All of that being said, this is going to be one of those rare blog posts where I divulge personal thoughts, and as uncomfortable as it's making me, I feel it must be done.

I used to love the holidays. I used to love the music and the food and the general overall "happy spirit" everyone gets between Halloween and New Years. Now a days, I just hate it. I feel like I lost my holiday spirit when my dad died. He was the one who wanted to drive around for hours and look at lights. He was the one who loved all the food, the turkey and mashed potatoes and everything else. He's the one who would watch the same Christmas movies over and over. And he was the one who would play marathon game of monopoly to ring in the new year. He was my best friend, my constant.

All of this being said, I know I have people who love me in my life right now. I know I still have my mom and my other family. I know I still have my church. I know all of these things. AND I know that three days before he died, my dad decided to love Jesus, so ONE DAY I will get to see and talk to him again. I know all of these things.

But when I sit alone in my little apartment, or when I'm driving in my car, or really anywhere, I miss him. I miss him all day, every single day. I've tried to fill that void with other things, which, of course, turn out badly. I've done everything I've ever been advised to do to make myself feel better, and still, here I am. Surrounded by people, and lonelier than I've ever been.