Always

Do you ever listen to lyrics of songs?

I'm in this ever-present argument with my friend Nick about a song we do at church called "Always" by Kristian Stanfield. It's all about how God is ever-present and will "always" be there for you. It's a great song, and for what I've been through in my life, very easy to relate to. The lyrics are beautiful, and it's just a nice reminder to have on a day that may not have been that great. He thinks that we play it too often, but every single time we play it, someone comes up to me and says something like "that's just the song I needed tonight" or whatever else. So, despite the moaning and groaning of my friend, we will continue to play it.

This week was a tough one.

We had a funeral for a 6 week old baby.
We got some news that basically broke everyone's hearts.
I got rear ended by a drunk driver.
I started writing my testimony for one of the biggest emotional projects I've ever done.

I am excited for my life. There are lots of exciting things in the works, but it's scary! Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not one for change. I realize change is necessary, and most of the time, it turns out okay. But I'll be honest here and say that I am not a fan most time. I enjoy my little box that I live in. But as a wise man once told me...

God is a God of comfort, not of comfort zones.

He will be there for me always, even when things get tough or scary.

Bring it on world.

Inherited Salvation

I had a meeting yesterday morning with Mr. Anthony Angelo, and somehow we got on to the topic of what he calls "inherited salvation". This is an interesting concept to me. I had never really thought about it, but there are quite a few people out there that truly and honestly believe that because they were raised in the church, that they are "automatically in". They seem to believe that because they were raised in a good christian home with good christian values, that they are by definition, a christian.

I don't really understand how someone could believe this about themselves if they'd read the bible or been to church at all. It's clear as crystal in the bible that you must accept Jesus into your heart and make him the Lord of your life. That's the way to Heaven. John 14:6. One way. One truth. One life. But there are still people out there, who call themselves believers, who believe in the "works" mentality.

I'm sorry, dear reader, if you are realizing for the first time that you may be one of these people. Or, better yet, if you KNOW someone like this, it's probably time to tell them that their theory on entry into Heaven is misguided.

Jesus is the way.

Not the number of hours you volunteer. Not the numbers of trash bags full of clothes you give to the Salvation Army. Not the number of kids you counsel. Not the number of babies you hold in the church nursery. And not the number of people you bring to church.

None of that matters.

Jesus answered, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one shall come to the father except through me."
John 14:6

He's the way.

All of that said, volunteer. Volunteer as many hours as your schedule allows. Hold babies. Donate clothes. Counsel kids. And for goodness sake, bring people to church.

Jesus is the way to Heaven, but when we get there, God will want to know how you furthered His Kingdom.

Long day.

Today was a long day.

I had a long day at work, mildly stressful. I had worship rehearsal with the people. And got dinner on the way home.

Tomorrow's post will be longer. I promise.

Love you.

Smithereens

Tomorrow I have a meeting to discuss giving my testimony, and I am nervous! 

I'm nervous for so many reasons...

I hate talking in front of a lot of people. 

I'm scared that people who THINK they know my past may be in for a rude awakening.

And most of all, I am scared to be vulnerable. I don't tend to open up to many people. Like, at all. And this wouldn't be just breaking out of my comfort zone. This would be taking my comfort zones and blowing it to smithereens!!

Sharing my testimony, where I came from and how God's changed me and used me, is something I KNOW He has put on my heart. 

But I am nervous. 

Here goes nothing...

Love your little ones.

Today I went to a funeral for my friend's grand daughter. 

She was born Decmber 12th, 2013 and went home to be with Jesus on January 20th, 2014.

Her parents and my friend's family are all Christians, and are finding hope in the fact that she's hangin' with Jesus. But there's nothing more solemn than an infants funeral.

Today is a short post, because to be perfectly honest, it's been an emotional day.

Love your little ones everybody. Love your little ones.

Unpacking.

Do you ever make a "to-do" list for your life, and then realize you haven't done anything on it?

Today was a self-analyzing kind of day. I have things I want to do with my life. Some things are pretty big, and some things are fairly small, but all important... at least to me.

Did you know, sweet reader, that I still have boxes I haven't unpacked? I've lived in this house since the middle of July, and while I have let the world believe that I have settled in, I haven't. I have unpacked boxes, empty book shelves, and clothes still in the suitcases they were moved in. It's crazy really. I know that... 

Today I've been thinking about why I haven't settled in, and I'm still not sure. I love the house. I love my room mate. Everything is great.

It must be something internal...

I'll figure it out one of these days.

When do parents become friends?

Today something interesting happened. 

I am 24 years old. I will be 25 in early March, and I can't believe it. I remember my 10th birthday like it was yesterday, but somehow...somehow the years have just flown by. It's been a whirlwind of adventures, jokes, stories, memories and more. Do you remember being a kid? Your parents telling you to go do something (or to stop doing something) and you'd either listen or you wouldn't. The situation would play out, and every lived happily ever after??

Well, at some point, something changes. There's some invisible line; some unknown point where you cross from "kid" into "adult" in your parents eyes. It's a strange moment... surreal almost. But today was my day. My mom and I went to lunch, and instead of talking to each other as mother and daughter, something was different. We talked about real problems and real answers. 

It was strange and awesome at the same time.

Welcome to adulthood Whitney Elizabeth.

Welcome to adulthood.

Thank you for being a friend...

My favorite show that has ever been on television is.... wait for it...

The Golden Girls.

I'm sure this sounds a little crazy or stupid, but I love The Golden Girls. Have you ever emotionally invested yourself in a TV show? I realize this, again, sounds stupid. But I just love this show. Blanche, Sofia, Rose and Dorothy taught me little life lessons in a way that made me laugh. My grandma and I used to watch it together and laugh for hours! The stories were cute, and the people relatable. 

Did you watch Golden Girls my dear reader? 

Thinking back on it, do you smile? :)

Just sayin... fave show.

Courageous

Random thoughts for the day. 

I was driving home with my phones itunes on shuffle, and that song "Courageous" cam on. Have you ever listened to the lyrics in this song??

"We were warriors of the front lines, standing up afraid. But now we're watchers on the sidlines while our families slip away."

Every time I hear these couple of lines, it hits home. Do you remember the moment you gave your life to Christ?? Wasn't it the greatest moment you've ever experienced?? After that moment, didn't you just want everyone in the world to believe and have the same love and grace you'd experienced??

But then real life hits. Troubles happen. Work gets busy or school gets difficult, and you start to lose the drive. You start to lose the internal need to see everyone you know and love get into the same relationship you've found with Jesus. You become complacent. 

I am guilty of this. I go through phases, just like everyone else. 

It's just something to think about. 

Footloose and Fancy Free

Today I read a blog post on a friend's blog entitled "Singleness Is Not A Disease", all about how people who are single into their late twenties and early thirties are obsessed with getting married. I'll admit, people are constantly asking me when I'm getting married. It's a constant topic of conversations, and it got me thinking. 

When I was thirteen, I had my life all planned out. I was going to be married by 22 and start having kids by 26.

Looking back on this, I had no idea what I was planning. Ha! I love my life! I have friends a family that I love! A job I look forward to every day, and a church that's amazing! 

One day, I'll get married. I know that. But I also know that I don't need to obsess about it. 

God has put me where I am for a reason. The people that are in my life, are IN it for a reason. 

And at the end of the day, I have peace of mind, good friends, and Jesus.

I'm good.

These were my thoughts today. Hope you enjoyed.

Growth

Tonight I realized something about myself that apparently I didn't know. As you know, dear reader, I love to give people things. Whether it's something small like a drink from Starbucks or filling up their gas tank. It doesn't matter. I love to do it. 

That being said, tonight I realized that I don't like when others do the same for me! Today I brought a friend of mine some fancy starbucks thing to celebrate his first day at our job. To return the favor, he got me a drink at our church's HeBrews coffee shop on campus. 

It made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable!! The worst part is, I don't know why! Honestly, it was a dollar soda, not a big deal at all... And yet it stressed me out to the point where I'm at home, hours later, and I'm still thinking about it. 

I KNOW that being a blessing in people's lives is something God has blessed me to do. So, I suppose when someone is trying to bless MY life, I should let them and just be thankful. 

Right?

Big changes

Do you ever feel like you're on the brink of making major life decision, but you just don't know if you can?

I believe wholeheartedly that God has put a call on my life. A call that, if followed, would change my entire world. It's not my job. I honestly believe I have found my niche and will be working with these kids for as long as God gives me breath. But it's some more personal. Something that, if accomplished, would be everything I never thought I wanted.  

Why don't I just jump in, you ask? Why don't I just throw caution to the wind and do what it is that I'm afraid of?

Because I am exactly that, afraid. 

Of failing. Of giving up. Of just plain not being good enough. I'm afraid. 

But you know what the worst part is? I'm more afraid of NOT doing it. If you're called to something, I mean REALLY called. God called. You have to do it, right? No matter the consequences? No matter how hard it seems or how sad you get thinking about it? If it's a clear straight forward direction...

I guess I know the answer. 

I'm not sure why I wrote about this tonight... Just to get my feelings out into the world I suppose. 

Life is changing, and I'm scared. 

But I am also really excited. 

Big changes happening in 2014 people. 

Big changes. 

Life lessons.

I have had four major jobs in my lifetime, and each of them has taught me something. 

My first job was at an optometrist's office in Summerlin. I filed papers. I registered new patients. I answered phone. Very straightforward. Towards the end of this job, I started being the person that calls and notifies people when their glasses or contacts are ready to be picked up. In doing this, I got to talk to and hear the stories of hundreds of people. What did I learn at this job, you ask? Well, simply that everyone has a story. People are out in your life for a reason and if someone older and wiser is telling you something, you do well to sit up and pay attention. 

My second job was at the YMCA. I worked there a long five years, and loved every minute of it. It was my first major dose of "other people's kids", and where I started thinking about my future. At sixteen, living anywhere in the world (but especially Las Vegas) there is temptation. Boys are good looking and charming, and nine time out of ten, want one thing. We all know what I mean here, right? Well, when I was sixteen, working at the Y, my life was no different. There were pressures all the time. Staff members. YMCA members. It was like my own dramatic small town. But going to work, and spending ten hours a day with those kids taught me one VALUABLE lesson. That I, Whitney, was not ready for kids. It sounds like a simple lesson, but something every sixteen year old should experience. 

My third job, which I had for only a year a half was at a charter school called Imagine Valle (Now, Quest Academy). I was in charge of the admin offices for the kindergarten site, and ran the afterschool program on top of everything else. During this job, my dad was sick in the hospital, and therein lies my lesson. Even now, I tend to keep myself busy. I don't like having a lot of down time. I don't spend a lot of time at home. I'm usually only here to sleep and shower, BUT that period of my life was SO busy, that there was a point in time where it all came crashing down. I quit my job. I'd never quit anything before. I spent seven hours a day sitting bedside in Summerlin hospital, skipping meals and lacking sleep. I took absolutely no time for myself, because in my mind, everyone else's needs were more important than my own. But on the last day I worked at Valle, I told my kids I was leaving. I didn't tell them beforehand, because I wasn't sure what their reaction would be. But I was surprised. They cried. They cried off and on for three hours, and I didn't understand why. I eventually talked to one of the oldest boys, and he told me that I had been their favorite. I had impacted them in such a way that the thought of me not being there made them sad and angry. My lesson from this job was a two - parter. Firstly to prioritize the important things. And secondly, to appreciate the little things. 

And lastly, my current job. I work at Shadow Hills Preschool in the front office doing a million and one things on a daily basis. I am always busy. Life is hectic and never endingly full of things to do. But there are moments, sweet moments, when I get to talk to one of the kids and hear them laugh. When I'm having a bad day, or a sad day, they're always there. They're always there to make me smile. Even the ones that just... Drive me crazy. I never go to work, and leave without having smiled at least once. My lesson from my job? Love what you're doing, or don't do it. 

Thanks for reading tonight, dear reader. 

Love ya. 

Wanna know a secret?

Today I found out that my blog is read in twenty three countries!! That's not the secret part, though. 

The secret is how I feel about this. 

Secretly, I'm pretty dang proud of myself. 

I know that sounds horrible. Being proud of oneself probably sounds stupid and prideful. But you know what, reader? I really enjoy writing this blog. I am enjoying the 365 days of blogging adventure I've started and you know what?! I am loving the fact that more and more people are getting to enjoy my writing. 

Nobody posts blogs JUST to put their thoughts out into the universe. People post on blogs because they want their voice to matter. They want someone else's life to somehow be impacted by their words, even if it's in a minor way. 

My blog may not change the world. I don't know where this blog is going to go over the next year, but it doesn't matter. If even one of my posts impacts one person's life for the better...

Well, that's all I can ask for. 

Important People. Part Five.

Tonight's post and the final chapter in this five part series is about Damian Cirincione. 

D was the leader and pastor of the college group at Shadow Hills during the time my dad was sick. He was there for me during the countless hours at the hospital. He and dozens of others prayed for me on a daily basis. He had that final conversation with my dad, and brought him to Christ. Damian is the one who gave me the peace of mind as my dad faded before my very eyes. 

Tonight's post is a short one, but let it be known... Without Damian Cirincione, I wouldn't have made it through those six months. Without him, I wouldn't have made it through the funeral. And without him, I wouldn't have the comfort of knowing that I will get to see my daddy in Heaven one day. 

Without Damian Cirincione, I wouldn't be who I am today. 

Thanks D. 

Important People. Part Four.

Tonight's post, sweet reader, is about Mrs. Victoria Ligon.

During the summer between seventh and eighth grades, my mom and I moved into a new house, and I tranfered schools from Molasky Junior High to Leavitt Middle School. I decided to join choir in the hopes of blending in, and getting through my last year of middle school unscathed. I didn't really know anyone, so I figured choir was a place I could blend in, and I had always like to sing. Win/win, right?

The first day I walked in, and met Mrs. Ligon, the director, I knew this year was going to be unlike any other. We did our warm ups, did amazing songs and bonded as a family. After winter break, we began to prepare for our spring recital. Mrs. Ligon decided on a bunch of songs, some of which made a medley of songs from the hit movie "My best friend's wedding". 

This is where it gets real. Mrs. Ligon held me after class one day, and strongly suggested that I audition for one of the solos in the medley. I started having a panic attack right then and there, but I had never felt so drawn to do something before. I knew this was my chance, my moment. 

The day came. That fateful Friday, and those who wanted to audition, did. I sang my heart out, but I spent all weekend wishing, hoping, thinking, praying (pun intended) and wondering what the outcome would be.

I got the solo. 

I practiced day and night for 3 months, and then came the night of the big spring recital. The notes on the piano began to play, and there was a build up to the moment when I was to sing my heart out in front of a couple hundred of my closest friends, families and complete strangers. 

I sang. I remembered all of the words. My timing was right where it needed be. And best of all, I didn't faint or throw up! It was a personal victory! 

If Mrs. Ligon hadn't invested in me, and hadn't pushed me out of my comfort zone, I wouldn't have tried out. If I hadn't tried out, I wouldn't have shown off my voice in front of all of those people. And if I hadn't broken out of my shell at that point, I don't know where I'd be today.

It's funny. 

As I'm typing this post, I can still remember all of the lyrics and notes of that solo! Ha! This makes me smile! If you see me around in the next few days and you want to hear it, let me know!!

Until next time!

Important People. Part Three.

Tonight's post is about my favorite small group leader.

The "How We Met" : I used to attend a church called Canyon Ridge Christian Church. I volunteered on Saturday nights in the 2 year old room, taking care of kids while their parents attended service. One week, we had a new kid, Andrew, who was extremely nervous about staying. So, his older brother, Timothy, decided to stay with him. After talking to him, I found out that they'd just moved to Nevada from California.  A few moons later, his mom, Kathy, decided to start and host a high school - aged small group at their house. Therein, I met Kathy.

We met every Monday night for what seemed like ever. We read out of the Bible. We watched DVDs with mini-lessons from famous Christian speakers. We had game nights and swimming nights. We had coed groups where we'd cover everything from furthering our relationship with Christ to furthering the Kingdom by telling our friends about the gospel. We had all-girl time, where we covered issues relating to high school girl-life. Boys, dating, bodies, sex and everything and anything else you can think of.

We talked. She listened. Completely impartial, and ready to impart her years of wisdom and experience. There were many nights where we probably overstayed our welcome because we just didn't want to leave.

I am so thankful to have had all the experiences I had in that house with Kathy.

I wouldn't be the woman I am today if you hadn't been there.

Important People. Part two.

Tonight's friend post is about Courtney Dawn House. 

This young woman is one of my favorite people in the world, hands down. She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She's there if I need a serious conversation or there to listen if I need to rant. 

How did we meet, you ask? Well, she will tell you that she sat next to me at bible study many moons ago, and I promptly got up and walked the other direction, completely ignoring her intentions of being friendly.  I honestly don't remember this happening, but I don't really remember how we became friends. Haha. I just know she's been around for a long time!

She's been there with me through it all. 

Boys. 

My first apartment. (She lived in the one next door)

Family drama.

Boys. 

The revamping of this very blog. 

Money woes. 

Drama. 

Road trips. 

Boys. 

And much more!

But through it all, she's remained true and loyal, and we have made it through without any drama or other issues. 

I am thankful that God brought this amazing woman into my life. I can't imagine what it would be like without her. 

Important People. Part One.

So, for the next five days, I'm doing a mini-series about my friends.

If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, you'll know that I don't trust people easily. Everyone has their issues from their past, mine just happen to leave me a little afraid of putting myself out there. The next five days' worth of reading will be filled the "how we mets", inside jokes and random stories of the five people that make me the happiest.

Tonight's post is about Clinton.

Let's start by saying that when I met Clint, I hated him! Ha! I know that sounds rude, but let me explain. I walked up to the bible study on a Sunday morning, and see Jason (our pastor) talking to these two random guys. One was Michael Stoica, and one was Mr. Clinton Christopher Jones. Jason had to leave, so he left me in charge of getting these new guys all settled in with the folks at Shadow Hills. Michael was super quiet. But the other of the pair had a southern accent and was loud, cocky and looking back on it now... obnoxious. Haha!

Little did I know that this outgoing man standing before me would turn out to be one of my two best friends. I honestly thought that day that I would introduce him to a couple of the guys, and I probably would never have to talk to him again.

Then I started actually listening to what he had to say. He knew about football and hockey. I don't know what it is... maybe it's the friends I've chosen in the past, but no one I would hang out with knew about the sports I liked. Growing up with the dad I did, and the friends we had, knowing about sports as a whole was a must. Clint knew about them. He appreciated Elvis and knew about the good older movies that I liked. 

I decided after hanging out with him a time or two more, that we'd be friends. He started to tell stories of Georgia and all of his friends and family there. I learned more and more about Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Courtney and Matt and Evan and A-Con and so many others... Looking back, when I went there this past September, I felt like I already knew them! Ha!

I know what you're thinking... Whitney, when was the moment that ya'll became best friends?

Well, I don't think it was one set moment. Between 3 am phone calls, inside jokes, swapping well-meaning insults, and an unforgettable night playing Qwelf... I don't know... we just became best friends.

I know it's easy to call someone your best friend, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I can tell him anything, and he won't judge me. He may make fun of me for a few mintues! Haha! But in the end, he'll offer some insight, and compare whatever stupid thing I've done to something even crazier that he's done.

In the end, I'm glad God brought Clinton Christopher Jones into my life. He may drive me crazy, and I may want to kill him half the time, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

                            

Unappreciated.

Do you ever feel unappreciated?

I have the type of personality where I want everyone to be happy all the time. It's a people-pleaser attitude, but really it's more than that. I don't want people to just like me... I want everyone to be happy. I want their lives to be as happy as possible at all time.

Well, in this spirit of taking care of people, sometimes it tends to back fire, and lately it seems like I'm just wasting my time. It feels like my patience is being tested for sure.

Bah.

It's time for a change.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and feel like life is changing around you?

I've had a couple days FILLED with enough time to reflect on who I am and what I'm doing with my life. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I knew where I wanted to live. I knew what my husband would be like. I knew what kind of job I'd have, and I knew exactly how my life would turn out.

Or so I thought.

As I said, the past couple of days left me some time to think...

I've got ideas, plans, dreams, and it's finally time that they come to fruition. It's time to stop being scared. I've been afraid, for so long, of failing or even worse... the unknown. If I do everything I want to do, or even attempt it, there is a great possibility that I could fail. I could be "just not good enough" or "not quite up to the challenge".

But you know what, dear reader? 

It's time to stop being afraid. I was put on this earth on purpose for a purpose, and it's time to get it started. It's time to not let the fear of the unknown hinder what I want for my life.

There is so much at stake...

But it's time for a change.

Forgive and forget?

Well,  Powder Palooza is drawing to a close, and instead of devoting another post to how lousy I feel, let's talk about something else.

Can I just say that I LOVE doing this blog-a-day thing?! It's sometimes stressful. As you can see, I sometimes end up posting at 11:40 at night, barely in the knick of time! But overall, a great experience thus far.

Last night's Powder Palooza lesson was on forgiveness. Anthony had us write down on a card who in our lives that we need to forgive, and those in our lives that we need to go to and ask forgiveness from.

This was an interesting lesson for me, because I, Whitney Elizabeth, am a grudgeholder. If someone says something that bothers me, even in the slightest, I will never forget it. And every time I see that person thereafter, I think of it. Every single time. 

The worst part is... I KNOW that holding on to things like that isn't healthy. I KNOW that we are called to forgive. And I KNOW that I tend to sabotage relationships with people simply because I can't let myself let things go.

This is something I am constantly working on. 

It's something that I definitely recognize in myself.

But it's a process. Pure and simple.

Update

So I spent the better part of today in bed.  Altitude sickness got the better of me once again, so my day was spent throwing up and sleeping. 

So far, some minor progress. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better than today. 

Short post tonight. Sorry readers. 

I just want to go home

Well, we made it to Brian Head without any severe problems, but you know what? I wish I wasn't here. 

This sounds like I'm being a Debbie downer, but literally, I just want to go home.

My altitude sickness has me throwing up all day. I slipped and fell on ice and injured both knees and my hands pretty decently. 

I just want to go home. 

Stressed Out

Tonight's post is short but sweet.

I'm attempting to pack for Powder Palooza tomorrow, and I am overwhelmed. I'm to the point where I just don't want to go anymore. :(   I'm going. Obviously. But between packing, getting up in the morning, getting there and everything else.... I'm just stressed.

Honesty Post

I am nervous for Powder Palooza.

I am excited, and I know that it's all going to be fine BUT...

I am nervous about the altitude. I tend to get really sick in high altitudes, so I need to remember to relax and stay hydrated (which I'm horrible about)

I am nervous for everyone who's snowboarding and skiing. I'm hoping and praying that no one gets seriously injured :(  This is just the "mom" in me.

That's about it I guess. I know everything will work out, and I know everything will be okay. I'm just a tad nervous :(     (or a lot nervous)

Stoked.

Today was a day of firsts for me.

This afternoon, we had our first worship workshop, and I am SO excited about all the new and exciting adventure that God has planned for us. There's a lot planned and a great vision in place, and I couldn't be happier!

Then, post-meeting, Kate and I went to McGhee's for the first time. McGhee's is a biking/skiing/snow boarding store, that sells and rents equipment to outdoor-sy people. This store is just amazing. The guys who run it are just amazing, and they took so much time answering our questions!! Anywho. Today I bought my first pair of snow boots! They're completely waterproof, and really stinkin' cute!

THEN

Kate and I went to Tar-jey (aka Target) and bought thermals and cute sweat pants to wear around the cabin...

Today was just a good day.

The last time I remember REALLY crying.

With the group of friends that most of my free time is spent with, there is a running joke that I have no soul. I was born without one, without tear ducts as well. The running joke is that I am inexplicably unable to cry.

I'm not 100% sure when this happened, but for tonight's post, I've been challenge to relive the last moment I remember REALLY crying. Not a few tears, but REALLY crying.

Buckle up kids. This may be a sad one.

Okay. So, if you've been reading my blog for an period of time, you know that my dad now lives with Jesus. He died Christmas of 2010 due to pneumonia and a host of other issues. He's in a better place, and I am healing one day at a time. That's semi-sad, but I want to paint you a picture of the last day I saw him.

I took  a day off work. Tuesday to be specific. My dad was at St. Rose hospital out in Henderson, in hospice care, and we all knew it was nearing the end. There was a point in the early afternoon where my dad was sleeping. He was pretty heavily sedated... propofol...morphine... the good stuff. My brother and I sat in the recliners in the room, and the nurse walked in. She was one of the best nurses we'd had in our six month hospital rotation, but when she walked in with a clipboard full of forms, I knew the time had come.

There's nothing in the world more sobering than those forms... the conversation. We woke my dad up, and asked him point blank what he wanted to do. Did he want to keep fighting? The doctors had told us there was no hope, but if he wanted to keep fighting, we would've. He said he was ready to give up the fight. He was in so much pain, you could literally see it all over his face. We put him back into sedation, and my brother and I had the conversation. My dad was so drugged at that point that he didn't have any power of attorney at that point, we did. His care, his future, his life was all in the hands of me and my brother, Nicholas. 

I was selfish that day. I wasn't ready. I don't know how I really ever could've been, but I knew I just wasn't ready to have him be gone from our world forever. When I told my brother this, he cried, asking me what I wanted to do. He was leaving it up to me. Everything. Every decision was apparently up to a 21 year old girl too emotionally distraught to even know what day it was. We decided the time had come to sign the papers. Give him morphine, but stop all mechanical help with breathing. Basically, whenever God was ready for my dad, he could have him with no fight from us.

That was the last time I remember crying. 

I didn't cry at the funeral. Everyone else was, and I was so... bitter at that point. Looking back, it was just the grief, but I couldn't help but think "crying isn't going to bring him back you idiot. stop."

I hope, dear reader that I painted a vivid enough picture for you to see why I don't cry anymore. I don't cry at songs. I don't cry at movies or commercials or e-cards or anything else. After you've made the decision, even if you know it's God's plan, to end someone's life, crying at anything else seems... 

empty.

A little bit of insight

 This post isn't going to be deep in any way, shape or form. Haha. It's been a really long day, but I am REALLY excited about this blogging 365 adventure.

SO

Let's talk about something here. I have 3 favorite movies. I love lots of movies, but I have three favorites, all of which I've seen hundreds of times, and that's literally no exaggeration.

First is The First Wives Club. This movie starring Goldie Hawn, Bette Midler and Diane Keaton is all about finding a new sense of self when you feel like the world is crumbling all around you. It's an empowering movie with twists and turns... it's just... great.

Secondly, Sister Act 2. Now, the original Sister Act is good, but a group of underpriviledged, ghetto kids from the hood singing amazing songs about Jesus? What the heck! It's just fabulous.

And Lastly, Meet Me In St. Louis. It's a movie starring Judy Garland, and it's just amazing. I love any and all old movies, but Judy is just awesome. The story is sweet. The old-fashioned values and quirky sayings make me smile. 

If I'm having a bad day, or just need a musical moment, these movies take the cake.

I hope that this post has given you a little insight into who I am, and what I love :)

I'd love to know what your favorite movies are, and why!!!

Enjoy.

My influences.

Today someone asked me who was the biggest influence in my life.

Well, I have narrowed it down to the 3 that have changed my life the most. 

The first...

Mrs. Pehrson. She was my fifth grade teacher at R.E.Tobler elementary from 1999-2000, and she changed my life. I know it sounds random. Who really chooses someone who taught them in elementary school as that much of an influence. But she is the first teacher I remember who truly cared about her students. She is the one who gave me my love of all things math. She used to let me help grade afterschool, instead of going to safekey (because I literally hated it). We spent hours over the course of that school year talking about... just anything. She didn't know it at the time, but during that year, my grandma who lived with us died, and my heart was so broken that I thought I was going to die right along with her. Then shortly thereafter, my parents got divorced. Without her, I don't know what would've happened. I don't know if she even remembers those moments. She's taught for so long, and had so many kids cycle through her classrooms, but I had some of my best school memories in that classroom all because of her.

The second.

Richard Luna. He was my softball coach (in addition to my dad) for the younger years of my life, and I will never forget him. Yes, he taught me the fundamentals of softball. Yes, he made me "hit the pole" and run laps like you wouldn't believe. But he is more than that. He was the man that when I was pitching and BURNED OUT and just wanted to quit... He was the coach who wouldn't let me. He was the coach who was your best friend and your toughest critic. He drive us crazy, and made us love him at the exact same time.

The third.

George Baker. He was my US history teacher my junior year, and my Government and Street law teacher my senior year, and to him I am forever thanful. From him, I grew my love of history. He instilled in us that we needed to be informed. We needed to know where we came from to know where we were going. He taught me how to be a good American, and for that I will be forever thankful. 

I have a had a lot of people influence my life. It's hard to narrow down, and choose the people you think were the best of the best. But these three... in addition to my parents were the people who made me who I am today whether they knew it or not.

Thanks for reading.

Retrospect and a Promise

Well, dear reader, the year is now 2014, and everything seems different.

I've never quite felt the way I do right now. I feel like my whole world changed from one day to the next. I feel like life is finally coming together, and I feel like everything's finally going to be okay.

This past year was one of the best and worst all rolled into one, but I feel like I learned a lot. I grew as a person. I made new friends, and moved on from some old ones that weren't meant to be in my life any longer. I survived rough news and heartache. I made memories that are now engrained in who I am as a person, and I think I've come out of 2013 with a whole new sense of self.

I believe in a lot of things. I believe a lot of those cliche sayings are true, but none moreso than that good old line of "everything happens for a reason". I never understood this saying when I was a kid. I didn't understand how the God I was raised to know and love could let things like natural disasters and famine and murder, happen... I just couldn't get my mind around it.

Then something happend. My dad died. He ceased to exist on this earth. He ceased to exist in my life, and you know what, it was horrible. It was the worst thing that's ever happend to me, but on the other hand, it was one of the most important things to have ever happend in my life. I grew as a person. I learned about myself, about my friends and family, about the world around me... All because someone in my life was gone.

This past year was... normal.

It's funny. I just sat staring at my screen wondering what one word I'd choose to summarize my whole year, and my choice is normal. My year of 2013 was normal. Why you ask? Well, let's see...

I had lots of low moments this year. Friends died. Work was hard. Friends caused drama. Family was difficult. I made bad choices. I emotionally invested in things I shouldn't. I spent time doing things that weren't necessarily in my best interest.

But on the flipside...

I had a really great year. I made new friends. I connected with family members I didn't think I ever would. I thrived at my job, and learned to love it in whole new way. I had real conversations. I had tough conversations. I learned to walk away from drama as it's starting. I took a spur of the moment trip with no planning. (This was huge for me!) I flew alone! I moved on from things that were emtionally holding me back from being the person I'm meant to be.

I feel like I could go on and on, BUT, the point is that despite the really junky things that happend in the year of 2013, more wonderful and new things happend.

So, sweet reader, if you are still reading (Sorry it's so long tonight! Ha!), I am making a pledge, a promise, a resolution, if you will. I am going to blog every day. For the next 365 days (And probably many more after that) I will post about my life and the adventures in it. I will post about my thoughts on the world, world happenings, and all things news-worthy.

Get ready my friends.

It begins now.