Saturday, January 22, 2011

My life as of today.

Life is sometimes complicated.

I interviewed to work full-time at the daycare at church. I interviewed on Thursday, so hopefully I hear something soon. It would be a nice job. Full-time plus benefits, and it'll work with me going to school in the fall.

Have I mentioned that on here? That's right, I haven't. Well, sound the horns and be excited, I'm going to school in the fall. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I feel like I've forgotten how to be in school because I've been in the working world so long. Hopefully it'll go better than I'm imagining. Lol. I still haven't decided what I want to do with my life, but I'm also in no super-rush to find out either. It'll sort itself out when the time's right.

I went to a wedding today. My friend Taylor Lynne (Baker) got married to Kyle Baker at Canyon Gate Country Club this morning, and it was wonderful. The ceremony was beautiful, the dress was fabulous, and Kyle is the perfect man for her. :) I can't lie though. I probably should've left before I actually did. I ended up staying longer than I'd planned, and unfortunately I saw the father/daughter dance. It was a LOT harder to watch than I expected. It depresses me, even now hours later, to think that one day when I get married... I won't have that. I know there are other men in my life I could dance with in place of my dad... but it's not the same, ya know? It'll be alright though :) I'm not too worried at this point. It's sometime in the future, so it's not worth worrying about now. :)

I have 2 new friends :) Well, they aren't actually new, but they've become 2 of my favorite girls in the entire world, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Courtney and Caitlyn Key. These two are awesome. They listen to my sob stories, and make me DIE LAUGHING at some of their antics. I don't know what I'd do without them. :)

Until next time.

I love you.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Thoughtful.

My life is nuts. Here's what's going on...

1. I got my dad's death certificates in the mail today, and it has me thrown for a loop. It feels more... real than it did before, and I hate it. Lol. He wouldn't want me to be sad, yadda yadda, but it's hard sometimes. Nicholas (my brother) and I have a meeting with the HR department from my dad's work to discuss his life insurance stuff and his retirement fund. Another depressing thing... eek.

Moving on.

2. I am between jobs. I left Imagine (the charter school) to work as nanny for a very close friend of mine. I started the nanny job, and for a number of different reasons, it didn't work out. So, I went back to the school (thinking, I had only missed 2 days... maybe they'll take me back)... turned out as a "nope". So, I am again jobless. I am currently working a temp job at my mom's office. They (though not her specifically) are WAAAY behind in some filing stuff, and I'm helping catch them up. Unfortunately, this is a temporary job, so hopefully I find something else soon.

Anyone know of anything?

3. I love Matthew. He's been soo amazing since we started dating, but especially since my dad got sick in August. :) I won't embarrass him further, but he's a great guy :)

4. I feel like, with the exception of Matthew, that I have no stability in my life any more. Long story.

Will things ever get easier?

I love you.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Re-committed.

So, with this new year we just started, I've re-committed to losing weight. I started slacking there near the end of the year. I can try to blame it on the holidays or my dad's issues... but really it's my own fault. It was just plain... easier to eat fast food.

But that's changing. I'm not cutting things out completely. That's not the answer. Matt and I made a choice to eat out once a week, and the rest of the week, eat at home. It's already making a difference. I lost 30 lbs or so last year (well, since camp) and it's going to only get better from there.

So this blog won't just be about weight loss. It won't just be about my dad, or about any one thing in particular. It'll just be... a life blog. :)

I love you.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Grieving.

I've been getting a lot of flack lately for not outwardly grieving for my dad. Here's the thing... I'm okay.


Yes, I'm sad. Very, in fact. I miss him more than anything I've ever missed before, and the hole I feel sometimes aches so much, that it feel likes a real hole. I loved my dad more than anyone in the world (besides Jesus and Matthew). He was my best friend. He was the most caring, sweet, bright and supportive father there'll ever be. I can't describe the feeling I have when something reminds me of him. It's the worst thing in the world sometimes... but sometimes it makes me smile. Sometimes I laugh at salt shakers, because he used more salt than most of Las Vegas combined. I've been watching all of his favorite movies, because that's what we bonded over. But sometimes, if I see someone with a grey beard and mustache, or someone in a Northwest Girls Softball t-shirt, I want to cry.

I'm not an outwardly emotional person. I am a bottle-it-up, only let it out once in a while, kind of person. I don't  know why. That's just how I've always been. It's not easily going to change. But receiving messages and calls criticizing my way of grieving is making things worse.

What I need is for people to treat me normally. What I need is for people to simply ask, "how are you doing?" and leave it at that. I need to start trying to have a normal life, and I NEED people to help me.

It may sound rude, but please don't criticize.

I love you.