Last words

Dear reader,

I am in the middle of watching "How I Met Your Mother". I know the show is long since over, but I am trekking my way through what seems like an endless supply of episodes.

I have watched a few episodes today, but one of them was heavier than the average half hour sitcom. There's a character on the show named Marshall, and in tonight's episode, Marshall's dad died. In the episode, Marshall had a voice mail from his dad, left on the day he passed away and Marshall was FREAKING OUT. Once he listened to the voice mail, whatever his dad said, those would be his dad's last words to him.

Have you ever thought about that? 

Think about the last week of your life... I mean really think about it... I'll wait.

Is everything that you've said to people been uplifting? Has every comment you've made, phrase that's escaped your lips been productive or helpful in some way? Has it been loving?

Let me just have a real moment here, sweet reader, my answer would undoubtedly be heck no! I've never really been overly concerned with the thought of "last words", but as I sit here thinking about it, I start to worry. What's the last thing I said to you, dear reader? There's no one on my friends list that I don't know in real life. I don't have an "internet friends", so it's time to think back...

What's the last thing I said to you? Was it positive? Was it rude or sarcastic? Was it sassy? Was it sweet?

I guess the point of this post is to reiterate what our parents have been telling us since we were kids...

Think before you speak

Because the next thing you say to someone could be the last thing you say to someone. 

Make it count.

Be still

As I was driving home tonight, I was giving some more thought to something that was brought to my attention yesterday during that meeting I mentioned in yesterday's post. The person I was meeting with is one of my favorites. I truly value what he has to say, and because he's known me longer than almost anyone in my life, I tend to follow the advice he gives me.

So, during yesterday's meeting, I was telling this wise friend of mine about this new new life I've begun. I talked about my new job, and my overall new chapter of life that I've just started writing. At the end of it all, I told him a realization that I'm not really happy.

My life has drastically improved in the past 365 days. Last year at this time, I was a MESS. I was basically homeless, and having some sort of early midlife crisis. The worst part of that adventure is that I told absolutely NO ONE. The people at the preschool had no idea that my life was in a downward spiral. Now, a year later, I have a job I've always wanted, I have a coupleoftop notch friends, and I have a goal for my immediate future.

But I'm not happy.

I'm not really sure what my issue is. I can't pin point one definite thing that's making me feel so "down" about life. Am I just not letting myself be happy? Does that even make sense? I know this is something I do, because I have noticed that I will intentionally listen to sad songs or watch sad movies. Isn't that insane? Why would a sane person CHOOSE to engage in sad things? 

I think I'm sounding like I'm anything but sane. 

I say this all the time, but I think I'm a little bit broken. 

BUT

The point of this long, drawn out blog post is the advice I received during yesterday's chit chat adventure. My friend told me to just "be still". 

Quit looking ahead. Quit wondering what's next. Quit worrying about every little thing.

Just be still. Enjoy life as it is. 

Be still. Let God tell you what's next when HE is ready, not when YOU think the time is right.

This is going to be tough for me, but I'm up for anything. 

Let's give it a go.

Check back, sweet reader! I'll keep you posted!!

It's time to learn about myself...

Do you ever question where your life is heading? 

I'm in a weird place in my life, and today I had a conversation with someone that, I think, is going to help me get through it.

I quit my job. I had been working at Shadow Hills for a long time, and I loved almost every minute of it. My technical work hours were 9:30 am to 6:00 pm Monday through Friday, but because of the amount of things I was needing to get done every week, I'd come in at like 8:30 in the morning and stay until 7:00 or later at night. I'd also spend a great deal of time there on Saturdays and Sundays. It was a lot of work, but the way I viewed it, it was for the betterment of the Preschool, and it was my part in furthering the kingdom. I couldn't have loved my job any more! Well, sweet reader, I'm sure you're sitting there wondering where the problem was? 

Well, I was burned out. I spent more than the majority of my waking hours on that campus, and it got to the point where I would skip Sunday church and Tuesday night bible studies because I just COULD NOT spend any more time on the grounds of Shadow Hills. It was insane.

So, I put in my notice, and I quit.

I was offered a job at a K-12 Charter School, Quest Prep Academy. It's an amazing position with someone of the greatest staff members and kids I've ever worked with. It's definitely been a change... We had some high schoolers on campus this week taking their proficiency exams, and it was interesting being around "big kids". I've been with nothing but small children for YEARS. It's a whole new world, but I am loving every minute of it.

SO, the point of this whole story is to tell you, my dear reader, is to tell you why my life is in this weird place. Like I said, I used to stay at the Preschool until all hours. I had almost NO social life, and I got settled into that life. I had gotten used to it. Well, now I get off at 3 every day, and I have a lot of free time. I mean, a LOT. I know you're asking yourself... What's the issue? 

The issue, devoted reader, is that I don't know what to DO with the free time. I was talking to someone today, and I was told to get a hobby. Find something to fill this free time. Well, dear reader, I don't have hobbies. I don't collect anything. I don't really know WHAT I like to do...

I honestly think that I'm stressed about this "new life" I've begun because I don't really know myself. My life has only ever been valuable (in my eyes) when I was serving other people. I have always been the type to make sure everyone else was happy, and I found my own version of happiness IN that service.

I think I have a little mess on my hands here.

I now have the time. I think it's time to learn about myself.

The reason I hate weddings...

Today was not my favorite day.

Today was a hectic day at work. One of the more hectic days we have had in a long while.

Today was also the wedding of two people I truly care about. The Hendrix wedding, as it has been hashtagged, has been the talk of Shadow Hills for weeks, and today was the day. I couldn't go to the ceremony because of work, but I was so excited for the reception. A relaxing night with friends and family is just what I've been needing.

So I get in my car, and get all set to drive over, and for whatever reason, I freeze. I start thinking about the night that lay ahead, and I look out across the "big grass" and see my fabulous friends taking their wedding pictures. They looked just amazing.

But as I sat there in my car, I got to thinking about the same things that always cross my mind before a wedding, and that is the DREADED father/daughter dance. I've seen one of these dances since my dad died, and it was almost worse than the moment he died.

So I decided that I would have to skip the reception... I was driving home, and rationalizing skipping this event. And then I turned around. I drove over to the reception site (our friend's house), and wandered in.

I didn't stay long. I couldn't. But I saw Kelsey in her amazing dress and Nick and his matching groomsmen. It was a beautiful night full of beautiful people. Like I said, I couldn't stay. Most weddings tend to have the dreaded dance, and I didn't want to chance it tonight.

Will this feeling, this fear ever subside? I stopped posting on my blog for a while (Hopefully you've noticed, sweet reader) because someone told me that I post about my dad too much and I became self conscious. But tonight, he's all I can think about. That noticeably awkward moment that will be missing from my wedding sometime in the future.

The thought of not being able to have that moment makes me cry the instant I think about it.

Someday I hope that changes.

I won't pray for that

Today someone asked me to pray for healing for someone they know. Is it rude that I responded with "I'll pray for God's will in the situation"?? 

On a daily basis, people ask me to pray for them in some way. A family member is sick. They're having troubles at work. Whatever the case may be. It happens every day. 

But I can't bring my self to pray for healing or safety or anything like that. Is it selfish to pray for the outcome you want I a situation when maybe that's not the ultimate plan? Is it wrong to pray for healing when maybe it's someone's special time to go hang with Jesus? Is it questioning God to ask for counsel from others before you ask advice from the One who created you? Is it proactive to moan and groan about being single? 

I won't pray that you're healed, but I'll pray for His will to be done. I won't pray for you to get the dream job, but I will pray for your patience and your peace! I won't pray for you to find the love of your life tomorrow, but I will pray that you find happiness in your life, as is, and that when you're ready, if that's the plan, that you find someone amazing. 

If you ask me, I will always pray for you,though it may not be the way you'd expected. 

God will work out everything the way it supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason. Even the bad things! Embrace it. Learn from it. 

Everything will be okay. 

And I will fear no evil

Today I am giving a lot of thought and prayer time to the idea of fear. 

We shall see where this leads.. 

Worrying is a sin.

Did you know that? 

Well, I've been worrying (aka sinning) a lot lately, especially this week. 

We weren't promised an easy life right?

Who's my favorite superhero?

Can we talk about how freakin excited I am for tomorrow? 

It's costume day at the preschool, and I am dressing up as my very favorite superhero. 

The kids are going to love it! 

Check Instagram tomorrow to find out the answer to the mystery!!

Nutshell (edited)

Today was a very long day. 

Parts of it were good. Parts of it weren't. 

I got to sing at church this weekend, and it went better than I'd hoped. I was very pleased, and more importantly, it brought the glory to the One who deserves it. 

Then I went over to the preschool and set up for this week's many adventures. It's going to be a long one, busy with lots of activities but totally worth the struggle. 

Then I had a collegiate leader meetingwhereafter  I got a phone call that tookmy afternoon into an unhappy place.

Sometimes it takes the actions or the words of one or two people to confirm what you've really known all along. 

I'm home now, resting and gearing up for the busyness that will ensue when my alarm clock rings tomorrow morning. 

Side story: when I was in Georgia last week, I met a lot of people, and became better friends with those I'd already met. Tonight,  and the end of a long and tiring day, a smile was brought to my face through a phone call. There's nothing that will snap me out of a bad mood faster than a thick southern accent. 

Goodnight 

Tonight

Tonight I am missing Georgia. 

The scenery. 

The old friends who grew closer. 

The new friends I met. 

I miss it all, so much it aches. 

I've lost my voice.

Today, my two fellow teachers and I took 22 rowdy kindergarteners to the bird sanctuary, wherein I lost my voice. 

It isn't completely gone. Probably 65 percent or so. Barely audible, but no pain, which is good!

The downside is that tomorrow at 10 am, I have rehearsal for the Easter play. And then I have been given the opportunity to sing in big church, as a solo piece, for the very first time. 

I am excited and nervous, as expected, but I am anxious more so about my throat and my voice. 

Prayers are appreciated. 

Ft. Hood (My opinion)

Tonight's post may not be the most popular of opinions, but it's something I was thinkin about today. 

Specialist Lopez, the man who shot up Ft. Hood the other day, is one of the most talked about men in America right now. 

I have a few thoughts about the events of the other day. 

Obviously, Specialist Lopez is a man with issues. Let me start by saying that I am IN NO WAY condoning what he did. Not at all. 

Did you know that one in eight soldiers returns home from deployment now-a-days with PTSD? Think about this. One in eight people. And think about this! Do you think that every soldier that comes back from deployment that MAY have PTSD will actually admit that and go in for treatment? I don't! Anyone who knows people who serve their country should know that they are a proud people who aren't easily going to admit that they have a problem. I think that CNN's statistic of 1 in 8 is a safe guess. I think PTSD affects a lot of our military men and women. Specialist Lopez had been diagnosed with severe PTSD because he served our country in Iraq. 

Again I will say that I am not saying what he did was right or justifiable. What I AM saying is that he was a very sick man who, in serving our country and protecting our family, made a poor decision with his actions. 

I am sorry to the families of the fallen soldiers, and I am praying for those in recovery with injuries. 

But you know what? 

At the end of the day, I am praying for the Lopez family as well. Their son, brother and friend is being blasted on the news as this terribly horrible person, when what he did happened because of a disease he got protecting me and mine. 

What he did was wrong. 

Four soldiers are now dead, and more than a dozen are injured. 

Being paralyzed by PTSD does not excuse away his behavior. 

But painting him as some sort of serial killer isn't right either. 

Pray for the injured, and pray for the families of those who died. 

All of them. 

Happy Wednesday.

Oh my heck!

Today was such a long day. Ha!

I am singing in the Easter Production coming up in a couple of weeks, and did some rehearsal today. The song I'm singing is coming along pretty well thanks to Liz and Ms. Sheila. 

I can't quite get back on to a Nevada sleep schedule. I got so tired at like 8 tonight. Apparently my body is still on Georgia time haha. 

I suppose I should be productive and go to my vacation laundry. 

Have a happy Wednesday evening y'all!

Crossfit? Ha!

Today I had a conversation with one of the preschool moms that made me laugh. 

This mom, G, is SUPER in shape. She does the crossfit program at a place down the street from the preschool, and because of her size and known athletic ability, I'm sure she's amazing at it. 

We were talking about my desire to eat better and get into (much) better shape. She responded back with "oh! You should come do crossfit with me! It's so fun! You get an awesome work out!"

I almost died laughing. 

I am a big kid. I have been oversized for literally as long as I can remember. 

There is no way on God's green earth that I am going to be able to do crossfit. 

She says you take it at your own pace, and it's all about figuring out how many reps you think you can do, of whatever exercise, and doing one more than that. 

So, I agreed to go. They have a free trial thing, so I agreed to torture myself and try it. 

What can go wrong right? 

#thismaynotgowell

Apparently I look like some kind of terrorist...

I just had the event of a lifetime at the Atlanta Airport's security check point. 

To set the scene, I am wearing jean capris, grey tank top and a maroon shirt. I intentionally dress simply when flying to avoid any hassle at the security counter. 

Today I was not so lucky 

Apparently, today I look like some sort of international terrorist. 

They pulled me out of line, brought the bucket with my stuff and moved me over to a private area. There were three TSA agents, and they patted me down literally from head to toe. They decided that wasn't good enough. 

Then they took me into a little room, far from the prying eyes of the hundred or so people watching the security spectacle. 

They then proceeded to pat me down again and take everything out of my carry on bag. They then released me to my gate with no further explanation. 

The contents of my carry on were as follows:

My iPad (which is removed like a laptop)

Two chargers (phone and iPad) 

Small light sweatshirt type jacket. 

My wallet

My boarding pass

People magazine

No liquids. No Chapstick. Not even gum. 

I don't understand, and that was embarrassing  

Southern Adventure - Season Finale

Tonight we went to Cracker Barrel for my "going away" dinner, and it was sad. The food was great as always, and the service and company was perfect, but at the end of dinner, the goodbyes began. 

Over the last three hours, I've said goodbye to all of my southern friends after being here for almost two weeks. 

As I walked away from the Jones residence tonight, it was like an instant depression. 

Yes, whenever a vacation is over, a certain sadness happens when it's time to go back home and face the real world. 

That's not what this is. 

This is the feeling of leaving home. Being here, living here for the past 11 days has been the most amazing adventure. I wake up and feel like I've been here my whole life. 

It's interesting how God puts something on your heart. I guess when you find a direction you're being lead, you should follow that direction huh?

Decisions decisions. 

Meanwhile, tomorrow I head home, sad and unprepared. 

Goodnight loved ones. 

Southern Adventure Day 8.

The adventure is about to begin. 

Today is Clinton's 24th birthday, so tonight we are going "downtown" to see the sights and visit a few bars. I feel like the night is going to be a night of stories, memories and inside jokes. 

The past couple of days have been a whirlwind. I've been to some truly southern restaurants and eaten some truly southern food. I've been criticized for the movies I haven't seen (aka Forest Gump) and I feel like at the end of it all, I've officially been inducted into this new group of friends. 

I won't lie. When I first met my Georgia friends, I was pretty convinced that I'd always be an outsider. 

This trip has proven me wrong, and I'm loving every minute of it. 

I am sad that my trip is drawing to a close. I can't believe that in a couple of days, I'll be leaving this state to go back to regular life. I've been here so long, that waking up here FEELS normal. I feel like wakin up in Las Vegas on Tuesday will feel... Wrong. 

#stressedout 

#makingdecisions

#anythingispossible 

#bigchangesonthehorizon

Muppets Most Wanted

Can we talk about my love for Muppet movies? Today I went to see Muppets Most Wanted, the latest Muppet movie franchise, and it was so cute! 

It was a musical, as a lot of Muppet movies are, and it had a SLEW of famous people cameos. 

I'd definitely recommend this movie. 

My southern adventure is almost over.

I have had a decent day of reflection today on this vacation. I have a lot of things going on in life, and I am excited and nervous. 

Goodnight loved ones. 

I have a lot of blogs on the horizon. 

EXHAUSTED

Today was a long and wonderful day. 

But I will write about it tomorrow. 

I am EXHAUSTED. 

#southernadventure2014

Southern Adventure Day 4.

Tonight's post will be short but sweet. 

Today I got to see my sweetest friend, Kitty Kidd. We had lunch with her sweet 17 month old little tiger Miles, and I loved every minute of it. We talked about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. I have missed her presence in my every day life immensely, and it was an exciting adventure getting to visit her in the great state of Georgia. We had lunch at an Irish place in a town called Senoia in which a large chunk of the TV series "The Walking Dead" was filmed, along with a movie that is easily in my top 5 faves, "Fried Green Tomatoes". 

I have missed this lady, and when I walked away from her perfectly southern home to head back to Augusta, I was quite sad. Short of moving here, I won't see her nearly as often as I used to and no where near as much as I'd like. It's quite the dilemma. 

Post-lunch adventures included driving in Atlanta traffic, which EASILY rivals LA traffic. I will admit I had to exercise some extra grace and patience today. Thank goodness for this awesome country station I was told about!

"The group" went to dinner again tonight and then over to Courtney's where we watched "Rio" and I was introduced to the world of animal heads, stuffed of course, and used as decoration. It was quite the experience, I will say. 

The night ended with some minor star gazing and it's off to sleep I go. 

Tomorrow we are off to the Vanderbilt estate (called the "Biltmore"). It's in Morth Carolina, so we have to get up early! 

Later days. 

Southern Adventure Day 3.

Today was peaceful. 

I slept in until about 10:00 Georgia time (7 in Vegas). I spent the morning on some odds and ends. 

Then Clint and I went to this restaurant called The Cotten Patch. It was this little tiny place that served some dang good southern food. Definitely an "A" rating! 

After lunch, we went to a place called Cabella's. It's sort of like Bass Pro Shop in that it sells outdoor equipment. But this is the south, so we weren't just there to look at fishin' poles and camo gear. Oh no! We were there to look at some guns! And boy did we!! They must've had a thousand guns in that store. Everything from little carry-guns to some of the biggest rifles and shotguns I've ever seen. #merica

Then we went and saw the movie "Divergent". I hadn't ever even heard of this series of books before today, but the movie was awesome! It had some good acting in it. The story line was entertaining, and had few surprises that kept the plot moving. All in all, awesome flick!

Then we went back to the Jones residence and ate dinner and watched "Dancing With The Stars". I hadn't ever watched this show, and I thought it was neat. Probably not going to be a show I get hooked on, but definitely loved it. 

Southern Adventure Day Two.

Day two of my southern adventure was just as good as day one. 

We woke up this mornin and went to Green Acres Baptist Church with Clint's parents. This church was enormous! We went to bible study at 8:45 (5:45 vegas time!) which was an experience. The leader was awesome; very relatable and funny. Then we went to big church. First off, we sat in the balcony! This was too fun, because I haven't ever belonged to a church with a balcony. Legit!! The church choir was awesome! The worship leaders were very good. And the preacher was everything I thought a southern baptist preacher in Georgia would be. 

Then we went to lunch at this Japanese place called Kyoto. Their food was amazing! I tried a couple new things, and had some good chatting time with mama and poppa Jones. 

Then I went back to my hotel and did some stuff on my iPad that I needed to get done. 

Then I went to our friend Courtney's house and we watched a couple different games for March Madness. 

And lastly, we went to dinner at this place called Carolina Brewhouse or something. The food was decent, but the company was amazing. 

So far, my southern adventure is everything I wanted it to be. 

Southern adventure Day 1

I am officially in Georgia. 

I maneuvered my way through the enormous Atlanta airport, and started my drive to Augusta. It's a two hour drive, and I loved every minute of it. I blasted my favorite music. I called and chatted with a few people. The time passed quickly, and it was amazing. 

The trees were fabulous, and some have even started blooming!! It was fantastic.

Then I got to my hotel, checked in, and I love my room! The bed is huge, and I won't lie, I am excited to get to sleep in. I don't have to stress about getting into the preschool. I don't have to expect barking dogs at 730. I am stoked. 

Then I went to Clint's house. We chatted with his parents and caught up. His mom got me a BUNCH of Georgia stuff for my birthday and a REALLY pretty bracelet. (Which will be posted on Instagram shortly!!)

All in all, a fabulous day. 

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. 

A mix of emotions about tomorrow...

I'm writing tonight's post a little earlier in the evening than I normally do.

Tomorrow I leave on vacation to the great state of Georgia, and I am a mix of emotions! Is that weird?

I am excited to go! I am getting to visit with people I haven't seen in a long time, and I get to continue my "southern education". I'm sure I'll meet some new people and see some new things, and that's exciting.

But for some reason, I can't shake these feelings of nervousness and sadness.

I can't really explain it, but I'm going to try.

I drove off of the preschool's campus tonight with a heaviness in my heart. I am genuinely going to miss my preschoolers while I'm away! Does that sound weird? It's hard not to get attached to people that you see day in and day out. It's hard to go over 10 days without seeing them. It's hard to go more than 10 days, being out of my life routine.

I am also nervous. This one I can't really explain, except to say that a lot of things are going to be happening over the next few weeks, and they all start tomorrow. My life has never exactly been dull, but the next month or two is going to be especially interesting. It's all starting when my feet hit the soil in Georgia.

I don't know if these feelings are normal. I definitely didn't expect to have them.

But I know that when I get off of that plane tomorrow and see the beautiful Georgian scenery, that it will all be okay.

My bags are packed... I'm ready to go...

My bag is packed and I am ready for this trip. 

Is is Saturday yet!?

I can't even type tonight. 

Too impatient. 

RIP suitcase

Tonight I did my laundry and began to pack for my trip this weekend.

I pulled my suitcase out of the closet and realized that the time had come...

My suitcase is worn out :/

My big, obnoxiously red suitcase has been so many places. 

Mission trips.

Road trips.

Camp.

Random adventures.

And it's officially not going to make it on any more adventures.

Now the search begins. 

New suitcase, here I come.

Until I can get out shopping, I am going to try and borrow from someone for THIS trip.

Hopefully that works out!! Ha!

Who's in that picture??

Tonight, when I got home from work, I learned that if received a package. 

Photos!! 

I'd ordered photo prints, and they finally came! They're packaged neatly in a little 4x6 book with perferated edges (for easy removal) and it was fabulous! I flipped through all 100 photos reliving the past five months of my life, and just smiled. 

Then came my favorite part. I got out my handy dandy pen and started to write. On the back of every picture, I began to write where the picture was taken and why it was taken and also, who was pictured!

There's so been SO many times that I've looked through my parents or grandparents pictures and no one remembers who the person in the photo is!! Isn't that terrible!!

Write down your memories folks!!

When you're old and grey, you won't remember every detail of the parties you went to or the boy you liked... But photos with the stories written on the back will help the memories come alive again!!

Venting

Tonight, during my drive home, I called my best friend and vented.

Venting is a long-standing tradition in my life, and it helps me immensely. I told him all about the things that have happened today that stressed me out, made me laugh and changed my life. He, in turn, told me the same about his life, and the conversation ended for the evening.

I feel so much better.

I love having friends that I can count on to listen to me and counsel me in life's ever-changing adventures. And I am even happier about being able to BE a friend that people can come to when here having stressful time or sad moments.

Tonight was good.

T-minus 4 days. 

The time has come...

Tonight, the OCD side of me started writing my packing list for my Georgia trip this week. 

I beyond excited, but my stress level is at an all time high. 

This week is going to go by SO slowly. 

First timer

I am currently riding shotgun in a car on an adventure. In try vegas fashion, I am off to try my hand at some minor gambling tonight for the first time. 

I shall let you know how it goes!!

Tonight, I am sick.

Tonight, I am sick. 

The end. 

A simple truth

Tonight I was reminded of a simple truth. 

God is good. All the time. 

Thanks for reader my sweet follower. This blog means a lot to me, but the fact that you take time out of your busy schedule to read it means even more. 

I got the best compliment tonight...

Tonight I was paid the ultimate compliment. 

I sang tonight during the Lord's Supper service, I sang a song called "Jesus Paid It All". It was the first time I sang solo in front of the people in our church, and I'll admit, I felt like I was going to throw up! Ha!

I walked into choir, post service and sat behind a lady I've never even spoken too.  She turns around, grinning, and says the best thing I've ever had spoken to me...

"I hope you don't take offense to this sweetheart, but your voice is awesome. You sound like a Disney princess!"

Oh. My. Lands. 

Best. Compliment. Ever. 

The. End. 

At the end of a journey...

Everyone says that cliche saying "everything happens for a reason". You've heard it right? I literally hear it on a daily basis and today was no exception. 

My life has taken a few unexpected turns lately. Some good things. Some not so good things. But at the end of every day, I am confident in knowing that everything happens for a reason. And! On top of that little biggest of truth, God's plan is happening!

Good things, bad things, or somewhere in between, everyone wonders why. Why did this happen? Why is my life not like I thought it would be? Why is this person severely ill? Why did Leonardo DiCaprio not win an Oscar AGAIN this year? Why is there hunger in the world? 

All of these are valid questions, but the frustrating part is the not knowing. The hard thing to deal with is that we may never get an answer! 

Everything is part of God's plan. Every single thing that happens or is said. Everything happens on purpose FOR a purpose. 

So when life deals you an unfair hand once in a while, is it fair to whine about it? Is it productive to vent about it to anyone who will listen? Is it representative of the Christ-reflecting life we are supposed to be living to become spiteful or angry or hateful because life isn't going "according to plan"?

No. 

I am guilty of this. We all are. 

It's hard to trust that, at the end of a long day when nothing seemed to be going right, that God's hands are right there. God's hands are in the thick of battle with you, because whatever is making your life path a little rocky, is because He allowed it to be so. 

Think of it this way. I am NOT a hiker. I am a "big kid" who is not in shape enough to enjoy hiking, but every once in a while, the mood will strike! So, the adventure begins! I'll wander around Red Rock canyon or Mount Charleston or wherever, and sometimes, because I'm super awesome, I'll get lost. I will wander off the beaten path because I'm not paying enough attention, and end up somewhere I never intended on going. But you know what, sweet reader?

I have seen some of God's most beautiful creations when I've wandered off the beaten path. 

The terrain may be tougher. The hills may get steeper. And Heaven knows, the blood, sweat and tears may be rolling. 

But it's just like life. 

Sometimes the best things in life are at the end of a long, tough but, in the end worthwhile, journey. 

Those are my thoughts today. 

Ringing in 25

Today was a decent birthday. 

I didn't do a whole lot. 

No party. 

No cake. 

No abundance of presents. 

But you know what? I was okay with it. 

I went to work, and had an overall good day. I got a couple gifts from my work friends. 

And now I'm at home, snuggled in bed texting and checking Facebook. 

It doesn't sound like a very exciting way to ring in being 25, but I don't think I was looking for excitement. 

It was nice. 

My life thus far.

I had a pretty good idea what tonight's post was going to be about. I got some news yesterday that's basically going to change my life for the foreseeable future, but I don't want to post about it. 

Instead, I'm going to post about the past 24 years of my life. 

I have been through quite a bit in my life, more than most people know about. But at the end of the day, I've lived a good life. I've traveled. I've shared precious moments and survived disasters. I have seen some of God's most amazing wonders and met some of the most fascinating people. 

I have had an amazing quarter of a century, and I am looking forward to the next quarter.

Goodnight sweet reader.

Prayers are appreciated. 

Thrills

Tomorrow is the day of auditions for the church Easter musical, and I am nervous. 

I have auditioned before, that's not the problem. I know what to expect. I know my music, and I even know who the "judges" will be. 

But no matter how many time I've done this, I still get nervous. But I love every minute of it. It's an awesome thrill, and to be honest, I perform well under pressure!

Goodnight sweet reader. I'm off to rest my vocal chords!! Ha!

Burn out

Do you ever hear someone say something, but it takes something jarring your memory to have it really sink in?

This happened to me today. 

A couple of days ago, I was talking with one of my favorite coworkers about the fact that I go home at night and think about work. I think about it when I go to the movies or out to dinner. I think about it when I'm with my family or with my friends. I even think about when I'm on vacation! 

I truly love my job. I visibly light up when I talk about it, and I know that. 

My problem lies in the simple fact that I let it consume my life. I don't know if it's necessarily in a bad way, but it's definitely all consuming. I found myself the other night literally unable to sleep because I could not stop thinking about my work and everything that it entails. 

My job makes me happy and I feel like I make a genuine impact on a life or two every once in a while, though that's not what I do it for. 

But today, as I pulled into the parking lot after a night of almost zero sleep again, I saw a sign for the new series that we are fixin to start called "Choices", I believe. Beneath had a list of things relating to ministry that will be covered in the series, one of which was burn out. 

Is it possible to burn out on a job that you find joy in? Is it possible to burn out on a job that you find gratifying every single day? 

Maybe. 

So, in conclusion, I need to make steps toward leaving work at work, at least for the most part. 

It seems impossible but worth a try. 

Until next time sweet reader...

A small and simple truth.

Good evening sweet reader.

Today was a good day.

The kids were, overall, extremely well behaved.

Almost everone was in a cheerful mood.

And I must say that God blessed us with a beautiful day weather-wise

Tonight's post is not going to be some long, drawn out adventure.

I had a wonderful day, and I am thankful.

Simple truths.

Is what I do important?

My birthday is six days away, and I will be turning twenty five. 

I've been struggling with this birthday more than any other. I think I'm may be having a quarter-century-crisis. 

I love my job. 

I love my friends. 

I love my family. 

I love my church. 

I love my life. 

But do you ever feel like you aren't doing anything major with your life? That's all I've been thinking about for the past two days. I mean, literally, it's the constant thought replaying in my head. 

I work at a preschool helping parents, teachers and children get through the daily grind. I have conversations, tell stories, heal boo boos, sing songs, build websites, take photos, and among a million other things, teach kids that Jesus loves them. 

I have moments when I doubt that what I'm doing is important, but those are the moments where I hold on to the simple truth that God has me where He wants me to be for now. 

What I do, day in and day out, is important whether the outside world believes it or not. It takes all of my strength some days to remember that. 

Quarter-crisis or not, I am excited for this birthday adventure. 

Sassy boots

Today I was told by a number of people that I had my sassy boots on. Apparently I was a bit of a smart Alec over the course of the day. But I think I'm always have a smart mouth, but more times than not, I keep it to myself. 

Random musings from today. 

Is there hope for the kids in America?

Tonight, on my way home, I stopped at the neighborhood market for some minor grocery shopping, and saw something that piqued my interest. 

I'm in line, waiting to check out my handful of items, when a little boy who's maybe... 9 comes to the "Returns" desk with a grocery bag and a receipt. He hands the bag up to the lady behind the counter and tells the her that he put two packs of cookies in his mom's cart after she told him not to. It's at this point that I look beyond the desk, and a woman who I assume is his mother is standing and watching him confess this to a random market stranger. The lady behind the counter is visibly amazed and gives the boy the cash in return for the two packs of cookies and the little boy walks away with his mother.

This, to me, is excellent parenting.

So many parents out there are so passive when it comes to disciplining their kids. Most parents would have discovered the cookies and just headed home, chastising them along the way. What parents don't seem to notice or seem to care that every time they let their little bundle of joy get away with something like that, there's a shift in power. Sometimes it's minute and there's no overwhelming outward change. Sometimes the minute moments have addded up and the child becomes the controller of the relationship. 

I've seen it  on both ends of the spectrum, and tonight, when that mom made that little boy own up to his choices... I was impressed and proud of her. And I was proud of him for not throwing a fit or making a big spectacle of himself, which kids so often do.

I often worry about the future of America. With parents raising their kids with the sentiment of being "their friends" instead of their parents, I believe that there is a large percentage of kids out there being raised to think that they are in control. But tonight reminded me that there are some people out there still raising their kids to act the way they should.

Maybe there is some hope out there.

House of cards.

I think I've become moderately addicted to this show on netflix called "House of Cards". I tried to watch it once before, but didn't take the time to get into it. 

It's one of those shows that take time and effort to get into and having a knowledge of the political world helps make it funnier than it appears on the surface. 

This post tonight isn't all that lengthy or deep. Just a quick thought. 

I finally finished it.

Well, I did it. 

I finally finished writing my testimony. 

It's been a scary adventure. I don't particularly like the vulnerability of it all, but I am happy that it's done. I'm happy that it's written down. 

It's a strange sort of happy though. I'm relieved but stressed at the same time. I'm fearful of the judgment but hopeful of the effect. 

Goodnight sweet reader. I will sleep easier tonight. I promise you that. 

Sometimes I forget how great my life is...

There are moments when I forget how great my life is. 

Today was stressful. More so than usual for a Friday, and it was a longer day than normal as well. Parent problems. Kid problems. Coworker problems. It all seemed never ending. 

And then I started driving home. I called my best friend and chatted for a few minutes, and then I just drove. I rolled my window down, because it had finally stopped raining, and I just breathed. 

I love the smell of rain. I love seeing the lights of my enormous home town. I love listening to Mandisa belt out song about Jesus. 

Sometimes I forget how great my life is, but then it rains. 

And then I remember. 

It is by grace that we've been saved.

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough for heaven?

This is a random, out of the blue, post today, but it's something that's been on my mind. 

I know that there are verses upon verses saying how it's not by works that heaven is promised. It's by grace that we've been saved. I understand this, but do you ever just feel like you're not cuttin' it? Like you're not living up to you God-given potential?   

I think I'm having a day where I feel like this. Random story. 

Enjoy your Thursday. 

How do you deal with stress?

I learned today that I don't handle stress all that well. Work and life is fairly stressful at the moment, and my eye has developed this like... Twitch. I think it's because I haven't been sleeping much and when I do, it isn't that great. 

I need to learn to deal with the stress better. 

Amen?

Tonight's post will be short and sweet, but it's something I was reminded of today. I had a long day, with an afternoon of chaos and excitement. Good news. Bad news. But you know what?

God is good. All the time. 

Amen?

Abortion

Today, I had a discussion with someone about my pro-life stance on abortion.

This is a touchy subject, but this my forum, so I'll post what I want to. Ha!

There is a popular opinion in the world today that it should be a woman's choice whether or not her baby should be brought into this world. Maybe the baby's presence wasn't planned or maybe the soon-to-be parents aren't financially stable enough to support and provide for a baby. 

So a large population of women (in their child bearing years) believe that it's perfectly fine to sleep with someone and the next morning pop the "Plan B" pill. 

I just don't understand this way of thinking.

Do you remember that story on the news a while back when they found that microscopic organism on Mars, and everyone was SO excited because there was proven life on Mars? So, sweet reader, explain to me how the scientists of the world can say that the tiny little organism on mars is "life", but a baby at the moment of conception isn't?

A lot of people will say, "Oh, if you take the 'morning after' pill, the baby doesn't even know what's happening. It's like the conception never happened." Well, dear reader, that's a load of junk. 

In my opinion, life happens at the moment of conception. In my opinion, everything happens for a reason. And in my opinion, if you decide to have a night of fun with your significant person, you'd better be prepared for anything that may happen.

In today's society, birth control, even the best of the best, isn't 100% effective. 

I'm not judging anyone in their life choices. That wouldn't be fair of me, because everyone makes life choices. But, my dear reader, it should NOT be a choice to end a human life.

And that's it.

I am pro-life, and there's no changing my mind. 

Now comes the inevitable moment when someone is reading this saying "what about someone who is raped? If they happen to get pregnant because of their rapist, is it fair to ask them to carry the baby? To carry their rapists baby, a daily reminder of the trauma they've endured?"

And to this, my answer is yes. I know this may sound heartless, but it goes back to my opinion that everything happens for a reason. I am geniunely distraught for the women out there who've endured rape, and if that same woman is then to find out that she is pregnant, I can't even imagine... But is it fair to then end that person's life? That's what the baby is... a person. 

If you don't want to keep this daily reminder, I can't blame you. I can imagine the difficulty. But there are thousands of couples out there that can't have kids that would gladly adopt.

To round out tonight's discussion, my opinion can be stated as clearly as this:

I believe that a baby is a baby no matter how small. 

I believe that abortion is wrong, no matter the reason. 

End of story.

I finally unpacked a box.

Have you ever had a complete moment of clarity?

I don't know what my mindset had been the past couple of years. I have been perfectly fine, up until this point, to just get by. Not necessarily in a bad way. I haven't settled myself anywhere, because I had no idea what the plan for my life was. At this point, last year, I was living in a cute house with my friend and his dad. My family life hasn't always been the greatest, and while it's better now, it's really only good when I'm not living at home. I wasn't financially stable enough to be living on my own, so my friend and his dad invited me to stay there. The only problem was that I never let myself settle. 

I never unpacked any boxes. I never hung up artwork, or even let myself call where I was living "home". That housing arrangement ended up not working out because we were renting the house, and life happens. I bounced around last year... an insane amount actually. I even house sat one of the preschool parents' houses for two weeks while they were in Italy, for the pure and simple reason that I had NO WHERE else to go. It was the saddest and craziest time of my life thus far.

At the end of those two weeks, I was texting a friend of mine who owns his own house, and now I rent the downstairs floor from him, and I love it. Obviously I'm not going to stay here forever, but I had a major revelation last night. After I posted last night's blog post, I was sitting on my bed, watching Glee on Netflix (again) and looking around my room pondering my life and it's direction. I have boxes that aren't unpacked. I've told people I've unpacked, but I really haven't. In all honesty, I've been afraid to. I haven't had much stability in my life... like ever, so to let myself unpack boxes means that for the next 6 months or year or whatever, that I'm okay calling this place "home". 

I love my space. My room is really big, and fits all of my things, and there's room to spare. Right now, half of the room is packed up boxes, but last night, I unpacked one. I actually ended up throwing most of what was in it away. I was looking through this box that has been packed since LAST JUNE. Last June was when I moved out of the house with my friend and his dad, and until I moved into my current house, these same boxes were in a storage facility. Now, they're in neat piles in my room, and since I moved in, I've been living around them. I haven't felt a need to unpack them. I haven't felt a need to settle, because if I settle, that means that I am allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable.

If you've read this blog for any amount of time, emotional vulnerability isn't my strong suit.

So, long story short, I finally unpacked a box. I feel secure enough in my life that I unpacked a box. Tonight, after writing this post, maybe I'll unpack another one. Maybe I'll unpack another one tomorrow night and one mroe the night after that.

But there has been a step in the right direction.

Unforgivenss.

I am probably the worst example of forgiveness.

I am a grudge-holder in every sense of the word. I was self-analyzing today in between my busy Saturday events, and realized that there are a lot of "hurts" that I hold on to. 

It's not a big secret. I haven't had the easiest life, and a large part of that is to a seemingly endless stream of poor choices on my part. I was raised to act a certain way, and I, of course, thought I knew better. So, needless to say, I have some memories that aren't my favorite.

Some of these memories include unforgivenss. 

I harbor a lot of resentment toward people, but the reasons are unhealthy. 

I have expectations of people. Some are high expectations, some are not so high, and if people don't live up to those expectations, I start to resent them. I know I shouldn't, and that's something I'm praying through and working on. But it's something that I've recently learned about myself.

I am genuinely afraid that if I don't get a handle on this I won't have anyone left in my life, worth having.

Just some musings on this Saturday night.

Luther Vandross

So, today I think I depressed myself. 

Tonight, at our church, the kids ministries were hosting a "Father-Daughter Dance", and everyone. Old attend. I got off of work over in the preschool at around 6:00, and I decided that before I left for the day, I wanted to see the finished product. The decorations were perfect, absolutely perfect. A lot of our little ladies from the preschool were in attendance, and they looked beautiful. I stood on the sidelines with a few other staff members, and it could feel it happen. It was like a creepy crawly feeling that filled me up.

What feeling do I mean, sweet reader??

Sadness. I have basically come to grips with the feelings of sadness towards my dad no longer being on this planet. Thats not what I'm talking about here. I was standing there having "flash forwards" to my wedding day and realizing that I'd never dance with my dad again.

Even sitting here, at my house, writing this, I can almost feel my heart breaking.

My dad used to blast music in our house, and he snag me and try to get me to dance with him. Not for any set reason, just for giggles! but as I grew older! I wouldn't dance. I walk away, laughing at how crazy he was being. 

I'm kind of sad I did that.

This is how I feel:::

http://youtu.be/XjfH8wJ0zqM

Pet peeved

You know what bothers me?

When people only text you when they need something. It's driving me crazy. 

Please don't text me and say something like "hey! Haven't talked to you in a while, we should catch up! Hey. Can you..." 

If that's the only reason you've talked to me in the past year, don't even bother. 

This is something that bothers me the most. 

Exhausted

I think re-licensing, or at least HELPING re-license a preschool is one of the most exhausting things I've ever done. It takes more to run and build a school than most people realize. Appreciate your teachers, but also appreciate your office staff.

Goodnight busy world.

Apparently if I don't sing...

I had a conversation with someone today, and realized a little something about myself.

When I am having a lousy day, it is written all over my face. I can fake a smile better than anyone, but if I start thinking about anything less than happy, my face shows it. It's written all over, and impossible to hide. But something else that I didn't really know is that on days when I'm sad or overly preoccupied with something not so pleasant, I don't sing.

I don't hum anything. I don't sing, not even to the kids at work.

Today was a good day. I sung quite a bit.

But it's nice to have something to watch for.

If you don't hear me singing or humming or whistling or SOMETHING... 

Something's probably wrong.

Scared

Writing this testimony is turning out to be quite a bit harder than I thought it would be. 

I keep finding myself leaving certain things out because I'm not sure I really want other people knowing about my past. 

I feel like a lot of people have this certain image of me in their heads, and after this testimony adventure is spoken, that image will change. 

I'm still doing this. I know in my heart that this is something I'm supposed to be doing, but it's just... Scary. 

Ten of my most cherished memories.

Tonight's "Top 10" list is going to be a little different. Instead of the "top" ten, this is going to be a random grouping of ten.

Tonight's adventure? 

Ten of my most cherished memories. These will be in no particular order, but I hope that this list gives you a little glimse into my past and present.

One. The first time I ever fly on a plane by myself, I was going to Denver to spend a week with my Aunt Pam and Uncle Chuck. It was just about the scariest thing I've ever done. My mom grought me to the gate, which we didn't know would be the only time that's ever happened. (A month after this excursion, September 11th happened) When I stepped through the gate into that little hallway that leads you into the plane, I literally thought I was going to throw up. Ha!  The flight went fine. I remember that I learned what turbulence was, but the airline attendants were very nice, and luckily Colorado isn't that far away, so we weren't in the air all that long. This was a liberating moment for me. It was the first time EVER in my life that I was on my own, even if it was only for a couple hours. I felt so cool.

Two. When I was in the fifth grade, I discovered my love for broadway plays. I'd always loved movie-musicals, but I'd never gotten to experience the magic of seeing a story unfold on stage. For my 11th birthday, my mom and I took her work-friend Ann and we went to see "Grease" live. It was the perfect birthday. Oh gosh. I felt so special. I got to pick where we ate lunch. My mom's friend bought me a Build-A-Bear (which I made 1950's themed, of course!) and we saw one of my favorite movies translated on to a stage. It was perfect.

Three. When I was 5 years old, my cousin Andy was getting married in Denver. I was thrilled! I was going to be one of the two flower girls in the wedding, and I felt so special! It was going to be the first time I was ever going to be in a wedding, and I knew I had to look perfectly perfect. We woke up on the morning of the wedding, and did my hair ad got my dress ready. We had a little extra time, so we decided to go to the local art museum and see what mischief we could get into. My mom and grandma went inside, and my dad and I stayed outside so that he could finish his cigarette. It was the first time I'd ever seen ice on the sidewalk, and I was having an excellent time sliding on it. I'm sure, dear reader, that you can see where this is going... I slipped. I knocked out my two front teeth, and bled ALL OVER the concrete. I don't remember all that happened next. It's in bits and pieces, but my dad scooped me up and ran me inside. (Still bleeding) My mom and grandma cleaned me up and we went back to the hotel and put ice on my face. The wedding turned out beautifully, and I even looked cute. I could DEFINITELY pull off the toothless look!

Four. The first time I ever sang in front of people, was awesome. I've written about it before, but it's worth repeating. I was in eighth grade. I had transfered to a new school (Leavitt), and I was so excited to be in choir! I tried out to sing, got the part, and the night came for the reciital. I sang my little 3 year old heart out, and was grinning ear to ear for the rest of night. I was nervous, anxious and basically ready to throw up in front of a few hundred perfect strangers.  It was one of the greatest moments of my life. You can read more about this experience and the person responsible here:     

http://whitneyelizabethsphar.blogspot.com/2014/01/important-people-part-four.html

Five. I remember the first time I made cinnamon rolls with my grandma. If you don't know about our family, these cinnamon rolls are legendary. They were a coveted treat that didn't get made all that often, but when they did... My word. Since my grandma went home to be with Jesus in October 1999, no one has made them the same way. People have tried. Some people have even tried using the "magic pan" that she used when she'd make them. The first time I made them with her was so special. I got to hand make the dough and punch it down... Let it rise... and punch it down... And then we added the cinnamon and sugar and butter and baked them. It was a bonding moment that will always remain one of my favorite memories. 

Six. When I turned 16, the first thing I was excited to do was to get a job. I was raised in daycare, so the first (and in my mind, the only) job I wanted was to go back and work at the same daycare I was raised in. The family who ran it was basically family, so getting the job was no big deal, but actually DOING it was a whole new ballgame. When I showed up the first day, I had NO IDEA what I was getting into. I learned to change diapers. I scrubbed floors and cleaned toilets. I cooked lunched for a couple hundred kids. It was insanely busy, but I loved every single minute of it. I didn't end up working there long. I got another job with better hours that would work around my school schedule, at the YMCA, but it was definitely a learning experience.

Seven. One of my most vivid memories of my childhood is the first time I ever struck someone out. I played softball for a number of years. More than I care to think about sometimes, and I was the pitcher. Not to sound cocky, but I was a very good pitcher, especially for as young as I was. The first time I ever struck a batter out was one of the coolest moments I've ever experienced. The batter was noticably angry, but as I looked over into our dugout, my dad and Richard and Fred and Angela and my mom and Julie... Everyone was grinning. It had happened. I, as a little nine year old, struck someone out, and helped us win the game. I'll never forget it.

Eight. The first time I was ever around a horse was the day I decided I hate them. Ha! My cousin Hollie has a horse ranch just outside of Las Vegas, but when I was a kid, she had one special horse named Kasey. Kasey was a beautiful horse. He was young, so he wasn't truly broken yet, but she'd been working with him enough, and she thought he was calm enough for me to ride. I was so scared, and to be perfectly honest, I knew I wasn't going to go through with actually riding him. Ha! But then something happened. Across the street, something spooked Kasey. He began to buck and kick. I, being the naive nine year old that I was, I moved back... towards his back legs. He ended up kicking me pretty good, and injured my shoulder, and I decided that I hated horses. Ha!

Nine. The first night I slept in my aparment was the scariest night of my life. My wonderful friends helped move me into my apartment, and then when everything was settled, they went home. I had never expereinced that level of alone-ness.  I was living alone, on my own, in an apartment. No parents. No friends. (At least none IN the apartment), and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I watched a movie or two, microwaved dinner, and went to bed. The rooms seemed darker than I was used to. I kept "hearing" noises, and I probably checked the front door 10 times to make sure that I'd locked it. It was a freaky night, but one that grew me as a person.

Ten. The first time I met our awesome British cousins was one of the more memorable moments of my life. Joe and James came to America in April of 2003, and stayed in Las Vegas for the second week of their American journey. I fell in love with these new family members. We have lots of cousins on our side of the pond, but it was interesting to meet some that had been raised in an entirely different culture than what we were used to. They had cool stories. They'd been all over the place, and let's not forget those accents!! We hung out ALL week, and at the end of the week, we took them to the Circus Circus Adventuredome, and had the time of our young lives! I rode my first roller coaster, and they got to experience some American carnival food. It was amazing.

The Top 10 songs that made me who I am today!

Tonight's post is another exciting top ten list :)

Tonight's post is all about the music. Tonight's post is the Top ten songs that made me who I am today. I am really excited about this one! Enjoy the videos below! :)

One. I will always love you by Whitney Houston. This one is fairly obvious. It is the song that inspired my name  and is sung by my namesake. This song is a beautiful respresentation of a lot of my friendships/relationships. It's basically saying that the memories will live on, and some element of love will always be there, but it's time to let go. Definitely moving. Definitely powerful. It's a classic that I'd confidently say that a lot of people know.

http://youtu.be/3JWTaaS7LdU

Two. Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus. Now this one, dear reader, is the most annoying song on the planet. But let me tell you, I have listened to it HUNDREDS of times over the course of my lifetime. This song is what started my love of country music, and as cheesy as it is, when that songs starts to play, it's almost impossible not to smile. Am I wrong? 

http://youtu.be/byQIPdHMpjc

Three. We Are the Champions sung by the one and only Freddy Mercury. This song is the one and only song that reminds me of ALL of my years of softball. We would win tournament after tournament and my dad would always play this stupid song. Ha! It's another one that puts a smile on my face every single time I hear it.

http://youtu.be/hSTivVclQQ0

Four. I Dreamed A Dream from the iconic broadway musical Les Miserables. This song is all about how you can think your life is one way. You can think your life is settled. And then life happens, everything changes. It's about the dream that there's a better life out there for yourself, even in the midst of terrible times. It's inspiring, and beautifully sung. The video below is the version from the Anne Hathaway motion picture version of Les Mis.

http://youtu.be/dD-w_dZ0iao

Five. Jesus Lead On. This one has been redone by a few different people, but my favorite version is the one that Saddleback Church did many moons ago. This song is the epitomy of my faith. It IS my "come to Jesus moment" as it were. I remember sitting in Room 100 at Canyon Ridge, and hearing this song. It was the first time a song, any song really, had impacted my life in any way. That was the night I truly understand what Jesus had done in my life, and ever since, it's been a favorite of mine.

This is the Saddleback version.

http://youtu.be/5HiHgy8r8FA

Six. Uptown Girl by Billy Joel. I just love this song. This was the wong that taught me all about harmonies, and made me really start thinking about the technical side of singing. It's not just words put to music. There's more to it, and this song showed me that. :)

http://youtu.be/hCuMWrfXG4E

Seven. Count Your Blessings by The Martins. I can't really explain why I love this accapela classic, but you should take a listen and see for yourself!! Such a great song!!

http://youtu.be/3EoiHMKQxa4

Eight. Always by Kristian Stanfield. I have written a blog post entirely devoted to this song before, but it's just amazing. It's an awesome reminder of God "always" being there for us, no matter what life's sassy side throws at ya!

http://youtu.be/hk-BIVVUIW8

Nine. Oh Holy Night. Really, any version of this song is my favorite. It's lyrically one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. Here is one of my favorite versions.

http://youtu.be/Dbf2IbLNVgo

Ten. Amazing Grace. This song literally encompasses a sinner's journey into salvation. It's perfect.

http://youtu.be/iT88jBAoVIM

10 places I want to visit, but haven't yet. (Includes pictures!!)

Tonight's post is all about the world.

Tonight's Top 10 list is "The Top 10 places I want to go, but haven't yet".

One. Mount Rushmore. Is this weird? I don't know. Ha! I've just always wanted to visit. The patriot in me feels like it's one of the places everyone should see at least once.

Two. The Louvre. This would be a definite life-highlight.I have an overwhelming, though probably unknown love of the art and history world. It has been my fream since I first found out this joint existed, to go and enjoy and learn. 

Three.  Sydney, Australia. This one is fairly common, I think. I feel like quite a few people want to visit this country/continent. There are so many fun things to see and do. There are strange animals, foods and let's not forget those accents!! 

Four. A farm. This, I'm sure, sounds stupid. But I want to spend a week or two on a working farm. I think it would be challenging, but at the end, totally worthwhile. Life goal for sure!

Five. A broadway stage. I don't have any desire to actually be on broadway. I don't have the talent anyway, but I couldn't take the pressure!! But you know what? I think taking fifteen minutes and singing a song or two on an empty broadway stage in front of hundreds of empty seats would be the dream of a lifetime coming true.

Six. The Autobahn. this legendary freeway in Germany is known for it's basically non-existant speed limits, and it's "open road" type feeling. I think this would be epically awesome to drive on or be a passenger on. 

Seven. This one is again, cliche. But I want to visit the Eiffel Tower. Look at the picture below... Need I say more?

Eight. Egypt. I realize that this isn't the greatest time to visit Egypt, but ever since I was a kid, I've just wanted to go. I've always been fascinated be the tombs and the pyramids and everything else. I will go there someday when things settle down!! :)

Nine. China. From what I've seen on TV, and heard from stories from those who've gotten to go, this is one place I have to visit! The scenery is beautiful. The food is supposedly awesome. The technology is beyond compare. I'm pretty dang excited for this one.

Ten. Antarctica. This one sounds stupid I'm sure, but wouldn't it be neat to visit a place where people can't even really live? The beauty in the ice and the snow and the water. God's beauty found in an unlikely place.

I realize that the majority of this list is going to be expensive to visit. It's going to take a lot of time and finance planning, but you know what? It's worth it. Look back over the pictures! God's mystery and beauty found all around the world.

Ten things you may not know about me.

Tonight's blog is going to be interesting.

How well do you think you know me, sweet reader? Well, tonight's blog will test your knowledge! 

Tonight's blog... Ten things you may not know about me.

One. My favorite color is charoal grey. I know that it sounds a bit boring, but I think it's beautiful. A large  chunk of my clothing is charcoal grey. Is is because UNLV's color are scarlett and grey (all day)? Eh, who knows... but it's my favorite.

Two. When I get nervous, I tend to stutter when I speak. I don't know why this is. I didn't used to do it actually. It's just something that's developed in the past year or so. I hadn't really noticed it all that much, but someone pointed it out to me, so I notice all the time now! Ha! So, whenever I meet someone new or talk to someone with any kind of authority, I lose my words!

Three. I am absolutely terrified of having children. I joke about it all the time, but I'm usually saying my true feelings. I am just flat out scared. I amd scared of the pain of actually HAVING a baby. I'm scared that I'm not going to be a good enough parent. I feel like I'm going to make choices that just aren't the right ones for my kids. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE kids. I especially love OTHER PEOPLE'S kids ha! I see them every single day, but I don't know if I can get over this and ever actually have my own. Would I be a decent parent? I have no idea.

Four. I really want to move, but I don't know if I really can. I feel like I am being called to leave Las Vegas, and start up life in another place, but if I'm being honest, I don't know if I can! I have grown up in Las Vegas, and as much as leaving here and starting a new adventure sounds amazing, I am scared! What if I can't make it? What if I can't find a job? What if I don't make any friends? Too many unanswered questions...

Five. Since my dad died a couple Christmases ago, I'm pretty sure I have beccome a low-grade hoarder. I've talked to a couple of, in my opinion, knowledgable people who have told me that it's fairly common for people who have experienced great loss to grow unhealthy attachments to inanimate things. I'm pretty sure that's what's happened to me. I feel like I should get some intensive counselling about this, but not really sure where to start.

Six. I absolutely CAN NOT drink room temperature or hot water. It has to be ice-cold, or my gag reflex says "heck no"! I don't know what the deal is here... but I just can't. Ha!

Seven. When I was a little kid, I honestly believed I was adopted. I felt like I didn't look like anyone in my family. I didn't like the same foods or TV shows. I didn't have to same build or the same sense of humor. I just genuinely convinced myself that I must've been adopted from some random place. OBVIOUSLY that is not true. If you've seen my mom, as much as I try to deny it, we look exactly the same.

Eight. My favorite fruit is pineapple. When I was a little kid, I "hated" pineapple. Generally, when I say I don't like someone, 9 time out of 10, I haven't even tried it. SO, when I tried pineapple for the first time shortly before my 22nd birthday, I fell in love. I can't get enough. Grilled, chilled, frozen... I just love it.

Nine. I love Broadway Musicals, and if I could only listen to their sound tracks for the rest of my life, I'd probably be just fine. I think this statement stands on it's own. Ha! I think it's because I've seccretly always dreamed of performing on a broadway stage, but never had the talent or the guts. Ha! But I absolutely love belting the sound tracks in my car! I LOVE putting on shows for the drivers in the great city of Las Vegas. I've gotten some strange looks, and some epic smiles, but I wouldn't change my musical preference for anything. 

Ten. My biggest fear USED TO BE not being able to smile on my wedding day. Let me explain. I had the teeth of a violent hockey player. I mean, they were just lousy. So, that being said, I was pretty dang positive if I ever actually GOT married, I wouldn't be able to smile in my wedding photos, and that was depressing! But now that they've been fixed, my confidence has changed, and I look forward to one day being able to smile in these iconic-type pictures that I'll look at for years to come.

10 Authors that Inspire Me.

Tonight's blog is one that I've been excited about writing for a while now.

I'm mildly addicted to Buzzfeed. If someone posts a Top 10 list, no mstter what it's about, I generally read it. SO, for the next ten days, I will be writing "Top 10" lists.

Tonight's adventure?

Top 10 authors that inspire me.

JD Salinger. My favorite book in the entire world is Catcher in the Rye. It's one of the first classics I ever read, and I've loved it ever since. Holden's life adventure is unbelievably relatable. Bah! Love it!

Paul. Home boy wrote basically the whole New Testament. Can it get any better?

William Shakespeare. Remember those weeks in high school where all you did in your 6th period english class was read play after play written by Billy Shakespeare? I remember , and I loved every minute of it. Call it a touch of nerdiness, but It's just awesome.

Kyra Davis. She writed on of my favorite "chick lit" series, and when I'm having a long day, or if I've been reading a lot of heavy material, it's nice to pick up something light and funny.

J.R.R. Tolkien.Lord of the Rings. The end. Ha!

Edgar Allan Poe. With this one, I don't like everything he's written. I just have a love for his way with words. His description through his writing painted SUCH an interesting picture! The unnamed narrator in my favorite of his stories "The Tell-Tale Heart", does such an great job convincing the reader of his sanity, while clearly describing a murder he committed. Creepy yet awesome.

Lois Lowry. Lois is on my list, simply because of the book The Giver. This is my other favorite book. I've probably read it over 50 times with no exaggeration. If you haven't read it, do.

R.L.Stien. Anyone remember this guy? He wrote the "Goosebumps" series that most of us read as kids! He started my love for all things horror. I love scary movies, books and everything in between, simply becaue these stories piqued my interest.

F. Scott Fitzgerald. Great Gatsby. Need I say more?

And last but not least, Dr. Seuss.

In an age where everything is on a screen and people tend to get disconnected from the world around them, people are genuinely forgetting about books.

Read good books.

I am genuinely tired of people dying.

Tonight's post won't be especially long. 

Today I found out that my uncle, my dad's brother, died. 

I'm not taking it very well. I'm realistic in knowing that part of this emense sadness is relating to my dad. 

I know this sounds selfish...

But I am really REALLY tired of people in my life dying. Like, I'm really tired of it. 

It hurts too dang much. 

A few fleeting seconds.

That moment. 

When you first wake up in the morning, you open your eyes and breathe. Your turn off your alarm, and for a split second everything in the world is perfect. No problems exist yet. No issues have risen up and changed the dynamics of your day to day routine. 

I was having a conversation today with someone, talking about our dads. This friend of mine asked me if it ever gets easier, and I responded with a confident "no". 

But that moment... That fleeting few seconds when you first wake up to a new day... You really do forget your problems. 

There are a few of those fleeting seconds every morning when I forget. I forget that my person is gone. My person that I could say anything to and bounce ideas off of is gone. Yes, he's with Jesus and that's super. But that doesn't help the pain. It doesn't help that shortly after those perfect few seconds, reality hits and I remember. I remember that he's gone. 

What makes you happy?

Tonight I was texting a friend of mine, and we were having a conversation about what makes us happy.

Have you thougt about that lately? 

It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day struggles of life. Work. Family. Money. Everything in the world tends to preoccupy our thoughts, even when those same aspects of life are making your life miserable.

But what makes you happy? What, at the end of a long, tiring day, makes you smile?

I love thinking about this. I will admit, sometimes I tend to look on the pecimistic side of things, but this is one of the blogs I've been waiting to write!

Let's talk about some of the things that make me happy...

Christmas lights. Is there anything more joyous? In my opinion, nope. An instant smile crawls across my face every time I see those tiny bulbs snap to life every season. And to be perfectly honest... It is February something, and I still have my Christmas tree up in my room. Don't judge me.

Glee. Please don't judge my love of this show. I have watched this series since it's beginning, and I have loved every minute of it. Everyone has that one special show that they have unhealthily emotionally invested in. Glee is mine. The characters. The story lines. The songs. I don't even care that everyone else in my life thinks Glee is the lamest thing in the world. I still love it. #gleek

Traveling. I get SO excited and SO nervous every time I travel. Whether it's up the St. George to Cracker Barrell or to Glorieta for camp or to Mexico to rebuild a church or to Georgia to meet a whole group of people I've ever only heard about. I love the adventure, but I am terrified of the unknown. It's confusing, I know. But trust me... It's basically the best thing ever.

Writing this blog. When I started this life story on a web page, I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. I've always enjoyed writing. I've been told that I have a certain knack for it, but I've never really had the desire to make it a full time thing. Now that I am a month and a half into this Blog 365 thing, I have never been happier. I am becoming a better writer every day. I am now read in countries I haven't even heard of, and I feel like I am enjoying the chance to get my thoughts out into the world.

Those are a few of the things that make me happy.

What makes you smile?

Life is good

Today was a day of peacefulness. 

Keeping it simple tonight. 

Life is good. 

Why can't I take a compliment?

Today I had a very real discussion with someone about my inability to take a compliment. 

One of our preschool parents has become a friend of mine. I see him in bible study during the week and at church on the weekend. And this week, I saw him at choir rehearsal on Wednesday night. 

Today we were talking about the impending worship set this weekend, and I was telling him that I'm a bit nervous. He responds by telling me that I have no need to be nervous. That God has blessed me with a special gift, and that it's my responsibility to use it to further the Kingdom. 

All of these things are really nice things to say to someone. 

In response to these kind words, I begin to criticize my voice, and verbally doubting my ability to help lead worship in big church this weekend. 

He looks at me, leans down on the front counter and says the following...

"Look at me. God gave you a gift. It's your job to use it, and I am trying to tell you that I appreciate your gift. Can you let me pay you a compliment?" And then smiled and walked away. 

What is my issue? I love to sing. I love to sing in front of people. Even when I am so nervous that I think I may throw up... I still love to sing. And for me to question my God given talent is wrong. 

Bring it on. 

I just don't understand.

Today I was talking to one of the moms at my preschool, and she told me the most horrific story. She works at an elementary school in town, and had a three year old boy brought into the office with a huge bruise on his cheek. Upon inspection of him and his younger sister, they were covered in bruises and burn marks. Obviously CPS was called and the situation is being handled. 

I just don't understand. I don't understand how someone could get to the point where they think hurting a child is okay. How in this world could someone believe that a defenseless little person deserves something like that. 

Just thinking about this breaks my heart. 

I just don't understand :/

Choir

Tonight I went to choir practice. 

So many emotions as the night unfolded. 

It was SO much fun to be surrounded by people who love music! Using all that music theory I learned for all those years! It felt amazing! 

Then, toward the end, Ms. Sheila asked who wanted could be around all weekend, and be the "praise band" aka the ones who help Mark lead the musical aspects of the service. 

I don't know what made my hand go up!

But I am scared as crap. That's a lot of people, and a lot of pressure haha. 

I'm nervous but excited. 

I'll let y'all know how it goes!

Check back sweet reader!

Immunizations

Tonight, I went to dinner with some friends and we got on to the topic of immunizations. 

This is a hot button issue in America today. There are a lot of people out there who believe that immunizing their child will cause autism or ADHD or other things. 

I think this is insane. 

First off, there's no medical report that supports this. But there are people out there that believe that immunizing their babies will actually cause something "wrong" with them? I'm sorry, but people have been getting immunized long before this sudden outbreak off ADHD and autism.

Now, don't get me wrong, I realize that ADHD and autism are difficult thing to deal with. I've seen it in kids that I've worked with over the year, and I can only imagine what it would be like to have my own child struggle with those diseases.

But I'm sorry, I don't believe for a second that preventing deadly diseases have suddenly started causing those kinds of changes in the brain.