Saturday, June 29, 2013

Homelessness

Today I moved.

The man who owned our house, needed to move back in due to unforeseen circumstances, so today was my last day there. I don't really know how to feel. I hired movers, and packed up everything. They loaded up, and we moved everything I own, except for a few random bags of clothes and my iPad, into a 5 X 10 storage unit indefinitely. 

I am going to be staying at a friend/coworker's house while she's out of town, so I have somewhere to sleep, but I can't get over this unwavering feeling of homelessness. I am currently a transient person.

I hate this feeling.

It sucks.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Who am I?

The other night at our bible study in the park, we were prompted to read over a passage (Exodus 3) and then we were supposed to ask ourselves "Who Am I?" 

Who am I...

 I sat there in the wet grass at Pueblo Park with fifty or so other people contemplating this question. Who Am I?

 To my God, who am I? To the people I was sitting in that park with, who am I? What do I fill my time and thoughts with? What am I known for? 

Am I known as someone who speaks Christ's love and mercy everyday? No. Am I known as someone who is constantly trying to populate Heaven? No.

 If I had to guess, I think I'm known for simpler things. I work with kids in the preschool, and I'd say that I'm good at my job. I attend and serve in the collegiate ministry at my church. I lead worship there aka I sing. And if I'm HONESTLY looking at my life... 

 That's probably all I'm known for. 

 I'm the girl that's good with kids, goes to church and sings. 

What kind of legacy am I leaving? Will the people around me remember me when I'm going? Will the world? What sort of impact have I made? 

 In Exodus 3, Moses encounters the burning bush, and he finds out that he (along with God) will lead the Israelites out of Israel.

 Can we talk about pressure? 

 I get throw-up nervous when I'm asked to say a 2 minute segment on a Tuesday night. I can't even IMAGINE how I'd feel knowing that I had to lead people out and away from the only life they've ever known. Can we, once again, talk about pressure? Moses was appointed this task when he was basically a nobody.

 I've never really thought that I was destined to do anything special. But who knows. Maybe I am. 

 But now I sit here, typing this post, and think of Andrew. Andrew was a boy in our church who passed away a few weeks ago from a fall out at Red Rock. There was a massive wave of sadness in the following days, but there was also a lot of smiles. I went to Andrew's memorial service, even though I'd only met him a time or two, and the night was amazing. He had been so outspoken and touched SO many lives in such a positive way... It was just extraordinary. 

 Maybe everyone is destined to make an impact, whether it be on a large scale or just a small moment... 

Maybe my time of impact hasn't happened. Maybe it has. Maybe it's ongoing. 

 But the question still remains... 

 Who am I?

Monday, June 10, 2013

Father's Day

When my dad died two a half years ago, there were two kinds of people that I had in my life. There were those that said I needed to be strong, suck it up and keep on trucking through life. They said that I'd see my dad again one day, so why waste selfish tears on something you can't change. And then, there were those who ask why I never cried. The polar opposites of the previous people. And even now, looking back on it, I didn't really cry. I  was so busy planning the memorial and taking care of my family that I just didn't have time to be sad. Then when my family all travelled back home, I had to worry about getting a new job, so I through myself into that, and that took all of my attention. 

And ever since then, I focus on 4 things. My relationship with Jesus. My family. My work. And my group of friends and all that in entails. I haven't had time... or better put... I haven't ALLOWED myself time to grieve. Is that wrong? I realize it's probably "unhealthy". If you're an avid reader, you know that my mom sent me to grief counseling at one point later year, and that was a complete bust. If I'm being honest, it's because I didn't ALLOW myself to get into it. I'd watch the videos, and listen to what my therapist person said, but I didn't actually care enough to take it to heart.

Now, here I am. Two and a half years later, and I am where I started... in ignorant bliss. I know my dad is gone, though there are still days where I get good news and reach for my phone to call him. But overall, I understand he is, at this point, unreachable. But beyond that, I haven't dealt with anything. I haven't dealt with the loss. I haven't dealt with the memories. I haven't dealt with the anger. I haven't dealt with anything, but I ESPECIALLY haven't dealt with the healing. I feel like it's just eons away, and because it's so unattainable, I just don't even want to bother trying.

So, all of this being said, I am sad this week. 

Father's Day is fast approaching. We are making "Father's Day Art" in our classrooms at the preschool and every time I see a project drying in the hallway, it just breaks my heart all over again. People the past two years, around Father's Day, say something like "You have a wonderful Heavenly Father, focus on that!" or "God should be enough of a Father for you!", and while those two statements are all well and good, they're just not enough. 

On the days when I can barely get out of bed. On the days where I can barely get through work. On the days when I can barely BREATHE... On those days, that's just not enough. And this week, when everyone is planning special days and making cards or buying gifts for the fathers in their lives, I get more sad by the minute.