Starbucks.

I have this addiction to sitting in Starbucks for hours at a time, contemplating life, reading, and people watching. I used to be really bad. Lol. I dated someone who worked at Starbucks, and I was here ALL the time, but I feel like it's slowed since then. Lol. THEN I met Kate Shura. Lol. She's just as obsessed as I used to be, so I have this new/re-found love of hanging out in Starbucks and chatting the rainy afternoons away.

I had a mini-chat the other day with my friend Tasha, and we were talking about my blog. I told her that I was thinking about deleting it, because I feel like no one reads it. I told her I felt like I was just sending my thoughts out into this void, and that no one one would miss it if it were gone. I haven't really decided one way or the other yet. Tasha said she reads it. Lol. So, I have at least one fan. :) Lol. I really enjoy blogging. I wish I could be a professional blogger. Lol. Unfortunately, I don't think writing is what I'm called to do. Lol. But it's nice to dream right?

In other news, I'm currently getting ready to, in the next 5 days, do ALL of my laundry, shop/pack for camp, pack ALL of my belongings, and semi-move into the Key house, and leave for camp. Lol. It's going to be the most insane week. Lol. I'm excited for everything to happen!! Lol.

In other news, I feel like I'm getting to a better place with the whole "matt's gone" thing. I still have moments, USUALLY when I get an email. Lol. But I'm getting a lot better. I've finally accepted that he's okay. It's weird, because even though I knew he got there safely, I still just couldn't accept that he was okay. Lol. It's weird. I'm not sure how to explain it. Lol. ANYWAYS. So, we've emailed a few times, and I've seen some pictures, so I know he's PERFECTLY fine. So, I'm getting better. Lol. That's the gist of this entire paragraph. Lol. I'm getting to a better point with everything going on, but there's a few things I want to say. Lol. People keep asking me the same questions, so I'm going to answer them on here :) Haha. No, Matt and I aren't together. No, we did not promise to hold out for each other while he's away. Lol. Yes, we are still REALLY good friends. Yes, I'm emailing him while he's on his mission trip, though not often because I don't want to cause any distractions. No, I don't know if we're going to get back together when he gets back. Lol. Only God knows that one. Lol. But yes, we'll always be really good friends, and no, there's no awkwardness needed anymore about this situation. Lol. If you have a question or comment about us, feel free to ask. Lol.

I'm in a fairly happy mood today :)

Thanks Jesus.

Sass.

The title of my blog today makes me smile. :) My friend Kate, who I am currently sitting by, this I full of sass. I make some fairly sassy comments sometimes, and there are moments when it's just HILARIOUS... or at least I think so. Lol.

In other news, I am down 8lbs since the fourth of July :) HEY! Lol. It's fairly exciting news. Obviously not a tremendous amount of weight loss in 3 weeks, but it makes me happy anyway. Lol.

I'm STOKED for camp! The weird food. The community groups. (Though I'm sad none of my buddies from last year will be there!) The worship. The messages. The classes aka tracks. I'm so excited :) Last year, I was fighting and complaining LITERALLY the ENTIRE drive up there, and it ended up being the best experience of my life. Lol.

So, I wasn't going to put this on my blog, because I'm probably not going to get the response that I want to hear from putting it on here, but here goes...

I was sitting in my classroom at work last week, and something really strange happened. I got this weird feeling. Now, let me preface this by saying that I've never had a "God moment" where I felt his presence the way I did that day. I don't really understand what it was, but I just got this unavoidable urge to write. So, I pulled out a spiral notebook, because I ALWAYS have one. Lol. And I wrote. I don't really remember writing, which is strange to me. But I finished two hours later when my little ones at work woke up from their naps. I reread what I wrote, and it seemed to be a lesson. Now, let me just say that I have NEVER EVER EVER thought of getting up on a Tuesday night or a Sunday morning, and telling people about the bible. It's never been one of my goals. I've never even thought about it, and to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't want to do it. The thought scares me. Lol. After rereading these pages of thoughts and notes and verses, I titled the lesson, "Faith Through Hard Times", and put the spiral notebook on my dresser, and I haven't touched it since then. I emailed a friend about it, and I was told that I have to teach it. I was told that it wasn't given to me just for kicks or for giggles. It was given to me because God wanted me, specifically to have it. So here I am, at this crossroads of "I was given this lesson in a spiritual moment" and "I would be terrified to get up in front of everyone, and I just flat out don't want to tell people about this". So, no plans yet.

So those three things are what my mind is focused on at the moment. Haha. Weight loss. Camp. Mystery Lesson.

Ha. My life's a trip.

Fake.

Last year, camp was the best, and worst week of my life. I got to hear some AMAZING worship. I got to meet my AWESOME community group members. And I got to bond with my church family. All Positives.

Then we sat in that circle. Then we sat in that giant circle and admitted to everything we didn't want to admit too in front of eighty something other people. My problem?

I'm fake.

If you were with us at Glorieta last year, maybe you'll remember the following story, but I'm posting it on here just for funsies.

It was Wednesday of the week we were at camp, and my turn had already past in the circle event. I had said my peace about my comfort zone, and I had NO plans to get up an share any more of my personal issues. But I had this feeling. ALMOST a voice telling me to get up and share again. Share something else. Earlier that day I had a conversation with someone, and admitted that I'd been sick the ENTIRE week at camp, and I was faking being "good" or "okay" because I didn't want to worry anyone else. I try my very hardest not to put my burdens on other people. Lol. That person told me that I was being fake. They told me that this was my church family, and that most of them, when they asked "how are you feeling?" wanted a genuine answer. I, of course, came right back and told this person that NO ONE wanted to hear that I had SEVERE altitude sickness, and was absolutely miserable. NO ONE. Lol. But I digress. Lol. So here we are, sitting in the giant circle. Damian told us that if at any point we feel led to get up and say something, we can. So here comes that little feeling... that little voice... telling me to get up and fess up. So I stood up. I had no idea what I was going to say. I had no idea what I was doing, and to be honest, I would've given anything to sit back in my seat. Lol. I told everyone the story of the conversation I had earlier in the day, and all of a sudden I found myself apologizing for being fake. Apologizing for not being truthful with my family. I prayed that night when I got into bed that night that I would wake up with a sense of peace about that entire situation. WELL, let me just tell you, I woke up even better than that. I woke up COMPLETELY fine. I didn't throw up even ONCE that day! ha! It was a flippin miracle! I knew it was God :) He was proud of me for following His direction, and the last day of camp was beyond amazing :) It was such a treat!

So, I know I'll probably get SOME altitude sickness again this year... my body just doesn't do heights like that. Lol. But, now I have some hope that it'll be eased :)

New start.

I reread my post from last night, and I almost didn't recognize myself.

I have this life verse. It's 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. It says "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you who belong in Christ Jesus."

When my dad died, that verse was my lifeline. It got me through the hundreds of hours in the hospital rooms. It got me through signing paper after paper telling doctors that they could perform procedures, when 90 percent of the time, I had NO idea why the procedures were needed. It got me through his final few days, and through his funeral. It got me through the next few days, and the hardest Christmas of my life. It was there for me through all of that, and now, it's like I've forgotten it.

I'm going through this rough patch in my life. I moved out of my mom's house recently. My best friend is thousands of miles away. I can't seem to get this job situation stabilized. And I can't seem to get a grip. Lol.

So, anywho. I was laying in bed last night, thinking this all over, and I feel ashamed of myself. How could I just forget this verse and the meaning behind it? How could I forget that I'm surrounded by people who want nothing but good things for me? I thought about all of these things last night, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't believe I could be so passive with something like that.

It's time for a new start, and a rejuvenated relationship with God. He will be my strength,. He is who I will lean on when I'm sad. He's who I will lean on when I'm scared, and when I feel alone.

:)

Current predicament.

Good evening folks.

I'm laying here in bed, unable to sleep, mind racing with thoughts, and I feel like a fool. I have always been one of those people who could bottle up their emotions, and no one ever really knew how they felt. I did that for a number of reasons, though my main reason was so that I wouldn't burden others with my troubles and my hurt feelings. I've learned over the last year and a half or so of my life that that's an incorrect way to be. The people around you, friends, are the ones who will be there for you, help you through the hardest times, and will stay up late with you when you're sad. I've learned that I have lots of people in my life I can count on. I have lots of people I can turn too. But for whatever reason, the LAST person on my mind when I'm sad is God. And I feel even worse because of that. I KNOW where to turn. I know who will ALWAYS be there for me, no matter what. So why is it so hard to act on this knowledge?

Dang.

Chaos.

Do you ever feel like your life is just chaos? Do you ever feel like you just CAN'T get control of the events happening in and around your life? Do you ever feel alone when you're surrounded by people all the time?

That's how I feel right now.

I'm not looking for a pity party or anything. This blog is just to put feelings out into the world to get them out of my head. Lol. So here it goes.

There's a lot of times lately where I just don't know what to do with myself. There's moments where I miss my dad so much it HURTS. If I try to talk to someone about it, people just come back with "pray about it". And yes, that's a great option, but sometimes I needs something more. Ya know?

If you know me, you know that I'm not a crier. I don't cry over ANYTHING unless it's super important, but lately I've been a mess. And if you know me AT ALL, you know that I'm not the one to complain about this. I'd rather just keep my emotions and any sadness to myself and not burden someone else. Ya know?

I don't know.

That's how I'm feeling.

Over emotional.

Do you ever have those times in your life where you're like... overly emotional? Lol. I feel like I've been in this emotional spiral for weeks now. It's a long story, so here it goes...

I figured out fairly recently that I miss my dad WAY more than I've been admitting. I understand that he's happier where he is now. I know that I'll see him again one day... but that's not a comforting though 100 percent of the time. Lol.

THEN

Matt left. He went to Taiwan on his mission trip, and I am so excited for him! He's doing amazing things already, and is having an AWESOME time. But I miss him. I miss my best friend. Lol. It's stupid, and I feel ESPECIALLY bad, because I feel like I'm being selfish because I miss him. So I don't know. Lol.

THEN

I've been having issues with certain people in my group of friends. No major drama. I just had expectations of people... more specifically, I had expressed to a few peeps how hard it would be for me when Matt left, and I honestly thought they'd be there for me... check in. I don't know. But I feel like it's just not happening. And even though that's disappointing, it's not a huge deal.

BUT ALL OF THIS PUT TOGETHER

Has put me into this funk. I was talking with Lauren and Caitlyn a little while back, and we discovered that I feel abandoned. I feel literally retarded saying that. 22 with abandonment issues? Really? But I think that may just be what it is. Lol. I don't want to blame any one thing in particular. I just feel like it's everything adding up together. Ya know what I mean?? I just feel unhappy. And I hate it.

I don't know.

Meep.