Alone Part 2.

So, I have come to the realization that I can never live alone. I hate being in my house alone at night. Matthew just dropped me off, and I feel like a 6 year old. I'm lonely, and moderately scared. Lol. Yes, I realize this probably sounds totally crazy and stupid, but honestly... I don't care. I hate being home alone. Looks like I will be finding another place to stay while the folks are outta town.

Alone.

So my mom and her husband left today for Arizona. They go every year right after Christmas, to visit his family, so off they went. My mom almost didn't go. She thought I'd get depressed being in a house by myself so soon after my dad died... I told her to go, and that I'd be fine, but I now wish she had stayed. Literally, as soon as they left, I wanted to see her face. I got through little moments. Pastor Bob told me that it gets easier day to day, and that usually it'll just be little things that'll make me miss him.

I've had very few breakdowns, but I miss him every day. It's weird that I can't just call or text him, or just go over to his house. It's weird that I can't ask his advice on things. The worst part is when I think about my future without him there. He won't be at my wedding. He won't get to meet his grandkids. He won't get to see me turn into an actual adult. It makes me sad to think about.

Does it ever get easier?

I guess I'm not really expecting an answer to this question. Just sending it out into the void...

I love you.

Christmas 2010

Well, my first Christmas without my dad is officially over. It's Christmas day at... 9 (ish) pm, and my first dad-absent holiday is over. I made it through pretty well I think. Yesterday Matthew and I joined my mom and her family at Canyon Ridge for their Christmas service, and then went to my grandparents for dinner. Then I spent the night at the Headley's house, so I'd be there bright and early for Christmas morning. We woke up, at monkey bread (Yum!), and opened presents. Matthew and I got each other wonderful presents, and all was well. Then I watched some of Big Bang Theory (Season 3), and awaited the family gathering at 3:30. Apparently it was a small gathering this year (though it seemed like a lot of people to me), but it was full of wonderful people :) The little kids opened their presents (which was hilarious), and then the adults (including me!) play a white elephant-type gift exchange game, in which I won 2 collage picture frames (black) with the "Live, Laugh, Love" saying, and the "Faith Hope and Love" saying. I love them :)

Matthew (along with the rest of the Headleys) made this one of the best Christmases by far.

I had one minor meltdown (right before I left their house tonight, actually), about my dad. I usually go over to his house (and the out to Aunt Debbie's) for Christmas day, but this year was different. I'm not on that adapts to change well, so it was a real shock waking up in a house that wasn't mine, and not being with at least SOMEONE from my family on Christmas. Then Matthew reminded me, that I WAS with family. He and the Headley's ARE my family, because of the love that Matthew and I share. It was a nice reminder :) I do miss my daddy this Christmas, and I'm not 100 percent sure of what I'm going to do with his Christmas presents... but I know that he's happy, and pain-free up in Heaven, awaiting the day that I go to join him.

I love you.

Dad Update.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I am here to inform you of the news. My dad (Stephen Wayne Sphar) passed away on Friday December 17th at about 1:50 pm at St Rose Hospital.

I'm sort of a mix of emotions. I'm mildly depressed, only because things keep reminding me of him. I'm a little overwhelmed at the amount of things to do, and to arrange in the next week or two; not to mention entertaining all of the family that is in town now. And last but not least, I'm relieved. I nkow that probably sounds wierd or mean, but it's true. He was in So much pain for SO long, and he was SO tired ALL the time, he was just ready to go.

The timeline sort of went like this... Monday they took the tube out, he seemed to be breathing okay, so they left it out....Tuesday, he started having difficulty, and the hospital called us all to his bedside to make some decisions with him. When we got there, he told us that he didn't want to go through this anymore, and didn't want to be re-intubated. We signed the forming stating that... Wednesday, he started going downhill again. His heart rate was erratic (to say the least), and his breathing was funky. He was having trouble talking, but I had one last real conversatioin with him about decisions that were going to have to be made. I told him that if he was ready to stop fighting, and go be with Jesus, that would be okay with me. Everyone in my family agreed, and so my dad decided that he wanted to be taken off all medications (besides morphine) and just let God's will prevail. So, that's what we did. We filed the paperwork to make that happen... Wednesday was the last time I ever saw my dad. I had been thinking all week, that when the time came, I didn't want to see his final breaths. That was just never something I wanted to do. I didn't want to remember him like that, and I know for certain that he wouldn't want me to be traumatized like that.... So Thursday, I went to work. I worked all day, and then went to Grey's night with my girlfriends. We did our little white elephant thing, and that was pretty much it....Friday came, and we knew the end was drawing near. I called the hospital/my mom every hour or so to get updates. Over the course of the day, his numbers (heart rate, bloodpressure etc) were getting very bad. The at around 2, my mom called with the news. He went home to see Jesus.

An interesting bit of information that I left out of the above paragraph (on purpose) was this : My daddy loved Jesus. WHO KNEW! Pastor Damian chatted with his Tuesday night, for only a few minutes, and apparently since my dad was sick before (in august), he had found Jesus, and had been living as a Christ Follower ever since :)

That, ladies and gents, is why I feel relief. I know that one day, some day, I will see him again in his full glory.

I love you daddy.

Stephen Wayne Sphar
September 24th, 1952 - Birthday
December 17th, 2010 - Day he went Home.