Father's Day

When my dad died two a half years ago, there were two kinds of people that I had in my life. There were those that said I needed to be strong, suck it up and keep on trucking through life. They said that I'd see my dad again one day, so why waste selfish tears on something you can't change. And then, there were those who ask why I never cried. The polar opposites of the previous people. And even now, looking back on it, I didn't really cry. I  was so busy planning the memorial and taking care of my family that I just didn't have time to be sad. Then when my family all travelled back home, I had to worry about getting a new job, so I through myself into that, and that took all of my attention. 

And ever since then, I focus on 4 things. My relationship with Jesus. My family. My work. And my group of friends and all that in entails. I haven't had time... or better put... I haven't ALLOWED myself time to grieve. Is that wrong? I realize it's probably "unhealthy". If you're an avid reader, you know that my mom sent me to grief counseling at one point later year, and that was a complete bust. If I'm being honest, it's because I didn't ALLOW myself to get into it. I'd watch the videos, and listen to what my therapist person said, but I didn't actually care enough to take it to heart.

Now, here I am. Two and a half years later, and I am where I started... in ignorant bliss. I know my dad is gone, though there are still days where I get good news and reach for my phone to call him. But overall, I understand he is, at this point, unreachable. But beyond that, I haven't dealt with anything. I haven't dealt with the loss. I haven't dealt with the memories. I haven't dealt with the anger. I haven't dealt with anything, but I ESPECIALLY haven't dealt with the healing. I feel like it's just eons away, and because it's so unattainable, I just don't even want to bother trying.

So, all of this being said, I am sad this week. 

Father's Day is fast approaching. We are making "Father's Day Art" in our classrooms at the preschool and every time I see a project drying in the hallway, it just breaks my heart all over again. People the past two years, around Father's Day, say something like "You have a wonderful Heavenly Father, focus on that!" or "God should be enough of a Father for you!", and while those two statements are all well and good, they're just not enough. 

On the days when I can barely get out of bed. On the days where I can barely get through work. On the days when I can barely BREATHE... On those days, that's just not enough. And this week, when everyone is planning special days and making cards or buying gifts for the fathers in their lives, I get more sad by the minute.