Abandon

This is going to be one of those blogs where you, as my lovely readers, get another look into my lovely twisted world. I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying and living lately, and from it, I've drawn a few conclusions.

When I was a little kid, I thought I had the perfect family. I had two parents who, to the outside world, seemed perfect for each other. I had one older brother, Nicholas who was old enough to have his own friends and hobbies, but we had our secret bonding moments. And I had a grandma who lived with us who was my favorite person in the world. When I was 10, two days before Halloween, my grandma went home to be with Jesus. I smile while I type that, because she was the sweetest, and the sassiest lady you'd ever know. Haha. She shaped a lot of who I turned into today, and she loved Jesus. But because she was so important in my life, when she died, I was heartbroken. I didn't understand that I could see her again one day.

Less than a year later, my parents were divorcing. My dad had found someone that he loved more than my mom, and that left my mom and I to fend for ourselves for the first time ever. We managed to get it together, but for a long time I didn't like my dad. I didn't want to be around him. I didn't even want to see him, because I just couldn't understand how someone could do that to their family after all the time and memories we'd had. My brother went off to school in Arizona, and I felt even more alone.

My mom ended up putting me into therapy. I didn't really enjoy going. I would play monopoly, and the therapist would ask me probing questions. Then there was that day where the big revelation happened. There always is one when you go to the type of therapist I did I guess. We figured out that I was scared that my mom would leave me. THAT was why I was letting my grades suffer, and my attitude to become snotty. I got some reassurance once we figured out what the problem was, and I felt better.

Years went by.

My mom met a man named Dick, whom she liked very much, and eventually decided to marry. Without going into a long, sorted story, he caused some initial friction for me. He wasn't my favorite to put it lightly. Anyway, I moved in with my dad and Kathleen hoping that would repair the now-strained relationship with my mom. It didn't right away, and I began to feel like she chose Dick over me. It wasn't the most logical decision, but that's what I thought when I was 16. (Things have vastly improved, but that's not relevant for this post)

Fast forward a few years. My dad's girlfriend, Kathleen, began to tell me things like "I thought I was done raising kids", and complaining to my dad about my lack of curfew or my choice in friends. Looking back, she was 100% correct, but when I was 17, 18, 19, 20... I didn't think that way. I thought she was just hassling me. Then, one night, my dad came into my room, shut the door, and kneeled to that his forearms were on the bed, almost like a prayer pose. He told me that Kathleen thought it would be best if I moved back over to my mom's. She had decided that she was done raising kids when my 3 step-sisters had all moved out years before. I cried for days.

I finally got it together enough to move over to my mom's house. It was better over there, but not the ideal set up for me.Then, as most of my readers know, my dad got sick, and to make a long story short, went home to be with Jesus. He had become my very best friend, and it was an unbelievable blow to my life. I had honestly never thought of what my life would be like without him. You know what I mean? It's not what someone who's 21 thinks about. His absence in my day to day life was like a slap in the face. After that, things improved at home. It was strange, but because Dick's dad had died, there was almost this...kinship. It was strange, but in a weird way, it was comforting. I've never told him that. Maybe someday I will. Haha. Anywho. Another year goes by. My mom takes me to breakfast one day, at Denny's, and in the nicest way possible (and I mean that) tells me that she and Dick though it would be better if I found somewhere else to live. I was old enough to know that me living there caused strain, but in the moment she told me, it was like a slap in the face. It felt like she was choosing him all over again.

So, I moved in with Lauren, a girl in my bible study group at my church, and one of my really good friends. I loved it.

Then Matthew, the man I'd been dating for over a year left on a mission trip to Taiwan. We had broken up like 2 months before he left, but being a typical girl, I was holding out hope that we'd have a "movie moment", and realize we were perfect for each other. This is where the point of this entire blog comes together, folks. I had a major revelation that I have abandonment issues. It's something that I've been thinking about for a while, but after tons of thought and countless minutes of prayer, I've decided it's the truth. Everyone had their stories, and I know that people come and go, but I tend to focus on the negative, and lately I've been focusing on how many people have "left" me in my life.

Yesterday, Matthew and I had a big-time conversation about "us". We aren't together, but a LOT of people have been asking if we are going to get back together, so we figured we should see where the other person was, and decide. We both are in the same place. Friends. Good friends, but just friends. And while that makes me a little bit sad, but if I'm being honest, I feel a definite peace about it. I KNOW it's the right decision.

How does this relate to my blog entry tonight, you ask?

Well, my stupid human heart is convincing my brain that "it's happening again". Someone else is leaving my life, never to return. It sort of makes me laugh, because it's almost like I can feel it happening inside of me. What my weak little human heart doesn't know is that my faith in God has never, and I mean NEVER been stronger than it is right now.

So, bring it on. Bring on the confusion, the longing, the feelings of abandonment, and the sadness, because I have a God that can get me through anything. There's that old saying, "God will never give you anything that you can't handle"... Well, I don't believe that's true. I believe He's going to give you PLENTY that you can't handle... But it's your job, dear reader, to cling to Him, stay in His word, stay connected to fellow believers, and that, friends, is what'll get you through the crap of life.So, tonight, sitting in this Starbucks, I feel at peace, because I have a God who can do anything. I have a God who never abandons ANYONE, ever. And I have a God, that when the stupid devil is trying to weasle his way into my weak heart, says "COME AT ME BRO."

Grace be with you.