Re-dedication

Here it is ladies and gentlemen. My re-dedication.

My life lately has been crazy, and there are LOTS of things going on, and I'm here to report on them.

First off. This re-dedication.
I've been feeling lately a lack of luster in my life. Things are fine, but that's all they've been. "Fine". But I'm not at the point in my life where settling for "fine" is okay. I want bigger and brighter things in my life. I want a relationship with Jesus that makes others ask questions. I want fellowship with my friends that God would be proud of. I want to better myself as a person, both emotionally and physically.

Most of you know by now that I am single again. Matthew and I decided to break up last week, and honestly, I think it's the best thing we could've done. Don't get me wrong. I still love him. There's no way to get over that overnight. BUT I'm getting there. We decided early on that we would remain friends. We are going to work overtime to make sure there's no awkwardness and no bitterness from either side, and I'm honestly, really excited to see what God has in store for us, both together as friends and as individual people.

So, let me put this official statement out there. Yes, we are broken up. No, I don't hate him. Yes, we are still friendly. No, neither one of us is leaving the college group. Yes, you can ask one of us if you want further details. But no, we'd rather not be gossiped about.

Now for the re-dedication. I want to revamp my life into something better. I want a life Jesus would be proud of. I want to have daily quiet times. And yes, I know this sounds simple, but honestly, I make excuses not to do it just like everyone else. I want to get more involved at church. I talked to Damian about one way I could do that, and I'm waiting for advice about that. I also want to have more meaningful fellowship time with my peeps.

I'm really good at being social. :) I love to organize events. I love to chat with everyone, catch up on their week, ask how their families are and that's about it. I don't get deeply involved except for a select few, and I feel like it's time to change that. So, be ready loved ones. I'm going to be asking you the tough questions. Have you had 7 quiet times this week? Do you talk to God on regular basis? Or do you only ask him for favors when you need something? Think it over :)

Re-dedication Part 2. I'm large. I know this sounds weird, but I need to be blunt with myself, or it'll never change. Yes, I know that God loves me JUST the way I am. But I also feel like the bible tells us to tak care of our bodies because God did GIVE them to us while we're on this earth, and honestly, I'm not doing too great of a job taking care of mine. Ya know? So this is the re-dedication part. I'm not going to say I'm going to work out every single day or that I'm never going to drink another soda or eat another french fry. I know myself better than that. BUT what I will say is that I'm going to try a heck of a lot harder than I've been trying.

And I am asking for your help dear friends. I would like to ask you, yes all seven hundred (+) of you, to help me. I would like you to keep me accountable. Ask me how I'm doing, and don't just settle for "okay". Ask what I've been eating, and encourage me to keep on the healthier stuff.

So, will you help me?

I hope so.

Crazy Love

The Book: Crazy Love written by Francis Chan copywrite 2008

Tonight I sat at Starbucks and finished chapter 2 of this book. The first chapter was entitled "stop praying", and the second was entitled "you might not finish this chapter".

This book is really throwing me for a loop. The first chapter explains how marvelous and miraculous God really is. Something Francis says in the book is that God has always been. It confused me, and I don't really know why. I've heard it before. He's always been there. There's never ever been a moment when He wasn't around. It's simple to say, but for me, for some reason, it's hard to comprehend.

Then the second chapter talked about how we live our lives. Do you live your life for God? You might say yes. That's great, because the entire 2nd chapter is about how we could die at any moment. Will you be going to Heaven when you die? And do you know that for sure? If you were to die tomorrow, what would people say about you at your funeral? Would they say you were a man or a woman of God? Would they come to the funeral because they loved you, and they're happily celebrating your journey to be with Jesus? Or would they be there out of obligation to other friends and family? Would they know the real you? Or do they know the you that you pretend to be?

Think it over.

I love you.

Until next time.

Changes?

Do you ever have moments in life where everything is going pretty dang well, and you have a completely positive outlook on life?

I'm having that right now :)

I have good people in my life, and a Savior who loves me. What else do I need?

Nothing. :)

I was having a reflective moment the other day. I was driving home from Green Valley, and having an out-loud conversation with Jesus. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't pray out loud... I generally stay pretty quiet in that department, but for some reason, the urge just hit me. (I probably looked like a crazy person talking to myself lol ) Anyhow. I was having a Jesus-chat, and came to some minor revelations. I need to start working on memorizing verses. Seriously, I'm presented with lots of situations, where my advice is sound, but I would LOVE to have a verse or two to reference. Secondly, I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect and please everyone. This has to stop. Lol. I am a stress-a-holic. I just soak it up until one day I just can't take it anymore, and I get grumpy (or chicken pox lol).

Those are my minor life changes that have already started to work in my life.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Until next time.

I love you.

OH. P.s. I got a gym membership at 24hr fitness, and used it for the first time today. I am in pain, but it's totally worth it. Lol. :)

My life as of today.

Life is sometimes complicated.

I interviewed to work full-time at the daycare at church. I interviewed on Thursday, so hopefully I hear something soon. It would be a nice job. Full-time plus benefits, and it'll work with me going to school in the fall.

Have I mentioned that on here? That's right, I haven't. Well, sound the horns and be excited, I'm going to school in the fall. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I feel like I've forgotten how to be in school because I've been in the working world so long. Hopefully it'll go better than I'm imagining. Lol. I still haven't decided what I want to do with my life, but I'm also in no super-rush to find out either. It'll sort itself out when the time's right.

I went to a wedding today. My friend Taylor Lynne (Baker) got married to Kyle Baker at Canyon Gate Country Club this morning, and it was wonderful. The ceremony was beautiful, the dress was fabulous, and Kyle is the perfect man for her. :) I can't lie though. I probably should've left before I actually did. I ended up staying longer than I'd planned, and unfortunately I saw the father/daughter dance. It was a LOT harder to watch than I expected. It depresses me, even now hours later, to think that one day when I get married... I won't have that. I know there are other men in my life I could dance with in place of my dad... but it's not the same, ya know? It'll be alright though :) I'm not too worried at this point. It's sometime in the future, so it's not worth worrying about now. :)

I have 2 new friends :) Well, they aren't actually new, but they've become 2 of my favorite girls in the entire world, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Courtney and Caitlyn Key. These two are awesome. They listen to my sob stories, and make me DIE LAUGHING at some of their antics. I don't know what I'd do without them. :)

Until next time.

I love you.

Thoughtful.

My life is nuts. Here's what's going on...

1. I got my dad's death certificates in the mail today, and it has me thrown for a loop. It feels more... real than it did before, and I hate it. Lol. He wouldn't want me to be sad, yadda yadda, but it's hard sometimes. Nicholas (my brother) and I have a meeting with the HR department from my dad's work to discuss his life insurance stuff and his retirement fund. Another depressing thing... eek.

Moving on.

2. I am between jobs. I left Imagine (the charter school) to work as nanny for a very close friend of mine. I started the nanny job, and for a number of different reasons, it didn't work out. So, I went back to the school (thinking, I had only missed 2 days... maybe they'll take me back)... turned out as a "nope". So, I am again jobless. I am currently working a temp job at my mom's office. They (though not her specifically) are WAAAY behind in some filing stuff, and I'm helping catch them up. Unfortunately, this is a temporary job, so hopefully I find something else soon.

Anyone know of anything?

3. I love Matthew. He's been soo amazing since we started dating, but especially since my dad got sick in August. :) I won't embarrass him further, but he's a great guy :)

4. I feel like, with the exception of Matthew, that I have no stability in my life any more. Long story.

Will things ever get easier?

I love you.

Re-committed.

So, with this new year we just started, I've re-committed to losing weight. I started slacking there near the end of the year. I can try to blame it on the holidays or my dad's issues... but really it's my own fault. It was just plain... easier to eat fast food.

But that's changing. I'm not cutting things out completely. That's not the answer. Matt and I made a choice to eat out once a week, and the rest of the week, eat at home. It's already making a difference. I lost 30 lbs or so last year (well, since camp) and it's going to only get better from there.

So this blog won't just be about weight loss. It won't just be about my dad, or about any one thing in particular. It'll just be... a life blog. :)

I love you.

Grieving.

I've been getting a lot of flack lately for not outwardly grieving for my dad. Here's the thing... I'm okay.


Yes, I'm sad. Very, in fact. I miss him more than anything I've ever missed before, and the hole I feel sometimes aches so much, that it feel likes a real hole. I loved my dad more than anyone in the world (besides Jesus and Matthew). He was my best friend. He was the most caring, sweet, bright and supportive father there'll ever be. I can't describe the feeling I have when something reminds me of him. It's the worst thing in the world sometimes... but sometimes it makes me smile. Sometimes I laugh at salt shakers, because he used more salt than most of Las Vegas combined. I've been watching all of his favorite movies, because that's what we bonded over. But sometimes, if I see someone with a grey beard and mustache, or someone in a Northwest Girls Softball t-shirt, I want to cry.

I'm not an outwardly emotional person. I am a bottle-it-up, only let it out once in a while, kind of person. I don't  know why. That's just how I've always been. It's not easily going to change. But receiving messages and calls criticizing my way of grieving is making things worse.

What I need is for people to treat me normally. What I need is for people to simply ask, "how are you doing?" and leave it at that. I need to start trying to have a normal life, and I NEED people to help me.

It may sound rude, but please don't criticize.

I love you.